Paying for younger sibling

[Eucalyptusleaf]

My sister is 6 years younger, so quite an age difference. We live in different countries. I'm married with kids, a mortgage etc, she's flatsharing with a friend and working casual hospitality jobs after finishing university a couple of years ago.

She's staying with us for a month over the Christmas holidays. We offered to pay half of her flight over here (long haul so expensive) - we like her seeing the kids, and obviously like seeing her too, and she has less money than us so it seemed like a nice thing to do (plus nice big sister thing to help with).

My AIBU is, am I unreasonable to get a bit annoyed that she doesn't then offer to pay for things once she's over here? She'll happily let us buy the groceries, meals out, and won't instigate paying for things unless I say 'right, I think it's your turn!' Which I hate doing. But is it infantilising her to pay for everything for her, or should I suck it up being the older sister? She's mid twenties. I'm on unpaid maternity leave and although we are alright financially (and definitely more stable than her), we don't have much spare cash at the moment. The flight contribution was a stretch.

I'm 6 years older than my brother (he's 21, I'm 27) and he is better with his money than I am! Your sister is being rude, it's not just a younger sibling thing.

Saying it is her turn is not really fair.

You treat her. One person. Am i to understand you ask her to take turns and thus pay for all 4 of you and herself when you know she has no money and you have steady jobs a home and a car.

Right......

You invite her knowing she has no money .

She doesn't pay for meals and trips out for 3 adults and 2 children in daily life and she really cant afford it.

Ask her to pay her own share when you're out.

I agree with Niki there. You're expecting her to fork out for meals and days out for 3 adults and 2 children knowing she has no money?
You paid half her flight over because she has no money, so I don't know where you think she's going to find the funds for days and meals out.

I don't think you should be asking for a contribution to groceries either unless it's something specifically for her...like the items she's been chucking in the trolley for herself...get her a separate basket for those. Otherwise no - she doesn't have it and you shouldn't expect it.

Where does OP say she expects sis to pay for 3 adults and 2 kids?

Even if she paid for her self that would be a big help.

Or she could take her DNS out for a treat and pay just for them.

There are lots of ways for someone to contribute.

And the sis clearly does have money if she's going away after the month at her sister's.

I bet if the sister actually offered to pay for things it would actually be cheaper because OP would probably then decline the offer. It's the fact that she doesn't offer in the first place. That's good manners. She should offer to pay for / towards a takeaway sometimes or offer a contribution to the groceries if she's there a month. OP might take her up on it or might not, but there wouldn't be ill-feeling.

Yanbu. I have a younger sister who is studying at the moment. If she comes to stay with us, she pays for all travel plus some groceries while here. I would pay for her travel if I knew she wanted to come but couldn’t afford the train ticket, but she’s too busy for me now .

You’ve reminded me to phone her and invite her soon.

Yanbu, however, you paid for half of her flight so she visits you and your DC which puts her in a difficult spot as she'll feel more obliged and I'm sure the half she's paying isn't cheap either. When we were first dating, my DH always visited his family when they paid for him to visit but couldn't really afford much at all when there just felt obliged to go, he couldn't even say he couldn't afford it and worried he'd offend them if he'd say he was busy all the time. I also don't get why you paid half if things were tight?

You say she's planning a break with her bf but you have no idea who will pay for what. He may have said he'd pay for it, it may be a gift to them from someone or maybe she's just saying it to make herself feel better as you seem so much better off.

The reason why I think yabu is that putting stuff in with your shopping is so cheeky! Although, after near starving with relatives recently and lasting on bread alone, could it be you aren't offering her enough food or she doesn't like your food? Perhaps ask as both of those things are your job as host to ensure. When you say it's her turn is that for her to pay for you all? That doesn't seem right. In any case, I think mid twenties with little responsibility she may not think about these things and just think you are taking turns.

I think you have perhaps set a precedent that you need to get out of and you can do that by communicating to her that things are tight at the moment, ask if she is able to buy her own things and then next time ask if she has spending money for anything she wants or needs whilst visiting before she plans to visit as she reminder.

I know it reads as though I think yabu but I don't, I just think these things can happen without realising - my MIL is outraged every time I offer to pay for things so I stopped as it offended her, unless she said I wouldn't know.

Thanks all. Reading each reply and taking pointers on board.

Re paying half the flights. We are the only close family she has and so we all want to see each other. Christmas seems a good time for it (otherwise she'd just be with friends). She wants to see her niece and nephew and they want to see her, they have a lovely relationship. So me and DH thought, right we have more money than her, let's offer to give her half, then it's not such a massive thing to save up for on minimum wage jobs.

I get that we probably need to have a conversation about whether she really wants to come out each Christmas (I think she does) and how affordable it is for her.

I just feel mean saying we wouldn't contribute. We could go to the UK but 2 under 2s aren't brilliant travel companions and we couldn't afford it right now anyway.

*Saying it is her turn is not really fair.

You treat her. One person. Am i to understand you ask her to take turns and thus pay for all 4 of you and herself when you know she has no money and you have steady jobs a home and a car.

Right......*

I didn't mean her turn as in strict turn taking. She hadn't offered to pay for anything for the two weeks she'd been here. I had bought food out, drinks etc. We went to the pub for a drink and lunch. I bought a round of drinks. She didn't offer to pay for them, the next one or the food and would have happily let us pay for it all if I didn't say 'your turn!' for the lunch. Kids are small and share our meal (both under 2) so it was food for me, her and DH.

There has to be some give on her side.

Don't sleepwalk walk into this becoming the norm for the next 10 years.

Putting stuff in your shopping trolley is beyond cheeky.

Sorry, that should have said 'The reason why I think SHE is BU is that putting stuff in with your shopping is so cheeky!'

She might not even realise so talking is good, I doubt it with the shopping but everything else, perhaps.

I'd contribute maybe to one meal but if she's there a month I'd be having home cooked meals most of the time anyway but I'm sure that's a lifestyle decision.

Could you try to visit to her with the DC in years to come and let her know that is on your radar to do at some point so that feels less one sided with travel too?

I'm on unpaid maternity leave and although we are alright financially (and definitely more stable than her), we don't have much spare cash at the moment. The flight contribution was a stretch.

So if neither can afford it then it just cant happen.

What's the point in her coming for all of you to worry about money.

Sad but maybe it has to stop until she earns more money.