To have said that he needs to do something about seeing his children?

[QueenAmongstMen]

AIBU to have told my friend that her partner has got to do something to ensure he sees his children?

I have a very good friend who is in a LTR with a really lovely guy, they've been together about 3 years now and are very happy.

The guy has been married before and has a son and a daughter. He and his Ex-wife have been separated for coming up 7 years now and she is also in a LTR (though a volatile one) and she recently had twins with her new partner.

The problem is that there are no formal contact arrangements in place and his Ex is very controlling about when he can see his children. She often tells him she will bring them over on 'X' date and then just doesn't show up. She refused to let him see them over Christmas, which she does every year, and it is now almost three weeks since she has allowed contact. On previous occasions she has withheld contact for up to 7 weeks. She picks and chooses when he can see the children and it's really upsetting for him and the children. There have been ongoing issues where the school have had concerns about how his Ex cares for the children and Social Services have been involved.

My friends partner has found the withholding of contact harder and harder and it's worrying her, and us, how low he is becoming. I saw him briefly on Christmas morning when I dropped some presents off and he looked like a broken man because all he wanted was to see his children.

I have met the Ex a few times and she gives the impression that she doesn't want the father seeing the children because she doesn't like them being around my friend - this is despite the fact she lives with someone else and has recently had the twins with him.

A common pattern in the past has been that when things are good between her and her partner she allows the father to see his children, but if she and her partner are going through a bad patch (they've split up a few times) she then withholds contact.

My friend's partner is not in a well paying job and between that, his household bills and his child maintenance he cannot afford legal advice or afford to take legal action to formalise contact so he sadly is at his Ex's mercy and she knows this.

The children are really lovely and it's clear they have such a good relationship with their dad and the whole situation just seems so wrong.

Anyway, today me and my friend got into an argument over it because I told her that surely there must be something her partner can do and there should be no excuse for this to be happening. My friend then started shouting at me, repeating that he is against a wall because of his finances, asking if I was accusing him of not caring about his children (I wasn't at all) and that I didn't have a clue what I was talking about.

I felt really bad afterwards because she was genuinely upset but I just can't see how this is allowed to happen. Did I step out of line? Surely there must be something he can do?

Thanks voice - he isn't a dead beat dad at all. He loves his children and is just in a really shitty situation. He's just so scared about challenging her because he thinks she will withhold contact even further. He literally just has to sit around and wait for her to decide he can see his children

You've swallowed it whole, haven't you? Are there ANY circumstances that you would sit around and wait for someone else to decide to you could see your children? Or would you do anything, spend anything, sell everything, to get to your children?

He's done nothing. He may be a nice guy but he's a shitty dad.

I think my friend is worried he's going to end their relationship in the hope his Ex will let him see the children more

If that was what it took, I'd do that.

I’m sorry if I’ve missed it in the thread somewhere, and appreciate you might not know, but it seems that the ExW drops off the DC. Why doesn’t the father pick up? I know it’s a horrible assumption/stereotype/pretty unfair, but it seems that often it’s the non resident parent that does all the kid transport.

deliberately - he doesn't drive for medical reasons (epilepsy).

My friend used to take him to collect them but then his Ex put a stop to that as she didn't want my friend socialising with the children. I then took him a few times to collect them but then she put a stop to that too as she said she didn't want her children being driven around by someone she doesn't know.

The dad then started collecting them on the bus but then she put a stop to that too after a few months because she said she wasn't happy with them being on a bus for about 50 minutes. He obviously argued with her over it but she said that she'd do all drop offs/pick-ups as that's the only arrangement she would be happy with and that if he turned up at hers with the intention of collecting the children then she just wouldn't open the door to him.

It's all part of the control game I guess.

Urgh, this situation all sounds a bit rough! My DPs DCs are a similar age to the DCs in this situation and they are so AWARE. I wonder what on Earth they say to their DM about this?

FWIW, my DP obtained an order a couple of years ago. His sols costs were c. £2k plus court costs. But I do think part of him pulling his finger out and getting it sorted was when I gave him some money and pointed out it’s not just him and his DCs being affected by what was unpredictable (but not as bad as this scenario!) access. So what I think I’m saying is that I hope your friend isn’t avoiding the situation or just leaving it to him...

A Dad friend of ours also very successfully self-represented. He said all the people and organisations that were involved in the process were great and really just focused on the wellbeing of the DCs, so it can be done alone. (His ExW WAS represented).

I have considered loaning my friend some money so she can pass it on to her partner as I know he wouldn't take it direct from me. My friend and he aren't in financial positions at all to potentially drum up costs of thousands and his Ex knows it.

They were due to be dropped off at their father's at 18.30 ready for our day out tomorrow but he's just text my friend to say they aren't there yet

My friend and he aren't in financial positions at all to potentially drum up costs of thousands and his Ex knows it

He doesn't need thousand. He doesn't even need hundreds. This has all been explained to you. Why are you so determined to give all benefit to him and blame his ex for everything? What is your agenda here?
Your overinvolement is weird to begin with, but this bordering on adoration of a man who is trying nothing at all to gain proper access is just bizarre.

@peppa, I know it's going to come across that I'm only ever answering you so, sorry in advance for that, but she (if OP is a she) isn't the only one with an agenda (or at least a very fixed position), is she?

There are bad fathers who can't be @rsed to keep in touch with their children post-divorce (my father was one once he had his new family), there are bad mothers who keep their children from their father's in spite (my friend was married to one). Everyone has their own perspective and MN, understandably, is a bit biased towards one side.

OP has had some good advice on here and maybe she just wants to help her friend. She's had some good advice here, so here's hoping her friend now pulls his finger out and does something (and that the kids have now turned up).

She didn't turn up with the children.

As a result I've shown my friend the information I've been given on here regarding the legal side of it and the support agencies her partner could turn to. I was also PM'd some very helpful information regarding a website that is focused on helping fathers get access to their children and offers support with this so I've passed that on too.

My friend wasn't overjoyed about the fact I had posted on here but she was very grateful for all the information she has learnt from it and she has said she will discuss it with her partner tomorrow because I think what's happened tonight will be the final straw for him I think.