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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to let DH see me naked anymore?

89 replies

ParisGellar · 03/01/2018 18:58

We are usually a fairly happily naked family, changing clothes and things in front of each other, however I am now much more conscious of my body after having ds 2.7 and don't fancy parading it around anymore. Also DH usually insists we leave the door opens when using the bathroom for the toilet, shower, everything! AIBU to start to insist on some privacy?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2018 20:42

ParisGellar I am sure your body is lovely and you can be as naked as you like. However, I would be the one insisting dh shuts the bathroom door for his ablutions. Your child may well feel the need to insist on it too when older, no one wants to see their dad on the loo!

"He's generally a bit of a control freak in fairness which makes me feel rebellious against him like a teen against a parent!" That's a weird demographic (if that is the right word).

Also "I've insisted on it recently and he acts confused and like it's meant to be an insult to him. Not shouting or anything" That sounds weird and unpleasant, just tell him straight, you don't want him watching you on the loo and you don't want to watch him! It's got nothing to do with being a certain age or body shape, it's to do with personal choice. Door shut should be a default unless both parties want it otherwise, IMHO.

itsbetterthanabox · 03/01/2018 20:46

Do you mean he doesn’t like you to lock it? Or you have to keep it actually open?
What happens if you just lock/close door?

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2018 20:49

There is more to this really, me and DH are in a bad place right now.

By the way I agree with Annie " There’s nothing wrong with doors being open, there’s nithing wrong with doors being closed. There’s a LOT wrong with someone insisting that adults must leave the door open" But I do feel being forced to watch someone else on the loo because they always leave the door open and you may walk past is not really right and being forced to leave the door open is 100% wrong!

Figrollsnotfatrolls "My exh stated in our divorce that I didn't involve him in my periods, and that he had never changed a tampon for me..." What a weird man, I am sorry for you. I can't believe any man could say that with a straight face! Angry " on a glass table" Sad. I am sorry you had to bear all that and I hope you are at peace now free of him. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2018 20:50

"There is more to this really, me and DH are in a bad place right now." Sorry that was a quote, can you say more OP?

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 20:51

He's abusive and controlling

Can you leave him? Is there someone you can stay with?

ForalltheSaints · 03/01/2018 20:59

Privacy for the toilet should be an option for everyone. Regardless of how anyone feels about their body.

ShitWit · 03/01/2018 21:02

You could have the body of your dreams and he still doesn’t have the right to insist he gets to see it, he never has the right to insist he sees you pissing etc and him acting like it’s an insult to him is a way of bullying and controlling you into not wanting to hurt his feelings, or make him angry and to coerce you into meeting his demands.

Fine if everyone is ok with it, but the minute one family member wants privacy when naked, it stops. Will he treat your son the same way if he naturally wants privacy when dressing etc, or if you have a daughter will he do the same to her? He’d be teaching his son that men get to decide when a woman’s allowed privacy and teaching any future Daughters that a mans wish to see her naked over rides her rights to privacy. Not a good example to be setting. If you don’t think he’d insist on his children having to allow him see them naked on the toilet or in the bath if they don’t want to then why do you think he feels you cant say no either?

Basseting · 03/01/2018 21:06

My exH refused to fit a lock to the bathroom door.
He liked to be able to 'come in' when I was in there.
I hated hated hated it. I knocked on the doors of my kids rooms from about age 8 and would only be in the bathroom if they'd asked for help (eg washing dd's long hair for example). So why not you?
He also was one for leaving the door open when he pee'd.
Very annoying.

Original poster
ParisGellar · 03/01/2018 21:10

Yes I do mean the door fully open, not just unlocked

And I will sometimes get a 'why've you shut the door?' When I do dare to shut it

It's being shut and locked from now on. I've told him I want my privacy. I want to get changed in private as well so I've been shutting the bedroom door when getting changed too!

He controls most of the money, and it's little things like moving my stuff around the house, texting me throughout the day all day asking what I'm doing (trying to be nice and conversational but drives me mad), every little noise or movement I make I feel as though he's watching and asking what it was. It's not major things but they all add up and my head feels like it's going to explode

OP posts:
ShitWit · 03/01/2018 21:15

I’m sat in the bath now with door wide open, dh keeps pottering in and out to get a load of laundry etc, I prob have door open more than shut as I like the breeze from the hallway window, sometimes though I shut the door as I either want piece or am not feeling comfy, if door is shut dh doesn’t act insulted.

Dd feels awkward full stop so if she is upstairs I shut the door. Dh would never ever dream of insisting she keep the door open.

Some families are ok being naked around each other, that’s fine and not uncommon, what’s not fine is when one family member ignores others who are not OK and insists because they aren’t bothered about privacy then nobody is in the family is allowed it?? It’s a twatty thing to do and if my dh ignored her unease and made dd (or me) leave the bathroom door open for him when using it hed be gone.

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 03/01/2018 21:20

Honestly, I feel totally under the thumb and controlled by him at the moment. I really want some space but I don't know how on earth to get it

Divorce.
you realise you are in an abusive relationship, OP?

ShitWit · 03/01/2018 21:22

My friends dh is similar, he has her cash card and controls money, he texts many times a day asking what she’s doing, if he knows she’s going somewhere he will text even more, often something sexual, eg he knows she will be meeting me for coffee and five mins after he’s texting her asking what she’s doing, she will say I’m with shitwit remember? Then fifteen mins later he’ll send one “early night tonight? Wink,wink” if she doesn’t reply he will message again asking why she’s ignoring him, then he will phone and if she asks him to stop with the sex questions cos she’s trying to have a coffee he gets pissy saying she can’t take a joke.

He does the bathroom thing btw. Her son has copied his father and is just as awful to her, and at 13 she is scared of her husband and her 13 year old son :(

ErrrrrNo · 03/01/2018 21:23

Sounds like a control thing to me.
We have no locks on doors, have a bathroom/toilet so often someone will be in the shower or bath when someone needs the loo whch is not great due to the smell mostly, but if one of us requested other people didn't come in for whatever reason we would all try our best to comply.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable then I would say its not o.k and needs sorting out.

ShitWit · 03/01/2018 21:25

Friend has iften said she feels bad complaining about his what are you doing texts as others have to,d her he is being nice. On its own maybe, but alongside other controlling behaviours it’s more about making sure she doesn’t think about herself or do anything for herself. She can’t have a coffee with a friend without having to speak to him

BulletFox · 03/01/2018 21:27

Paris you need to start asserting yourself.

Original poster
ParisGellar · 03/01/2018 21:33

I'm scared of looking like the unreasonable one if I start being 'assertive'. Especially as I'm a woman - I'll just be thought of as a nag.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/01/2018 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

starzig · 03/01/2018 21:45

No she wasn't anyfucker. I read it as she blatantly told him no but would wait outside in case he fell.

ShitWit · 03/01/2018 21:49

you need to start asserting yourself.

He needs to be changing his behaviour, OP shutting the bathroom door is more than clear enough to most people that the person using bathroom wants privacy. The way OP is asking privacy isnt the problem, him querying why she wants privacy and being insulted at her wanting the privacy is the problem.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2018 21:51

Give over, starz.

BabyCute · 03/01/2018 21:53

Dear ParisGeller
I think the main issue is not only the toilet door but is your DH controlling behaviour. I was married to one of this type for 18 years and couldn't even drink a glass of water without being questioned or accused of some sort. I'm sorry to say but the controlling behaviour gets worse as he gets older. You needs to gradually put your foot down whenever he is unreasonable. I personally had enough of being a prisoner and being under his thumb. Divorcing him was the best thing I'd done in my life.Smile

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 21:59

He controls most of the money, and it's little things like moving my stuff around the house, texting me throughout the day all day asking what I'm doing

What would happen if you just ignored the texts?

LineysRumBaba · 03/01/2018 22:02

I hope this thread of assistance to anyone experiencing controlling behaviour from a family member. It can become very extreme over the years.

AdalindSchade · 03/01/2018 22:06

The type of relationship the OP is describing is abusive. Anyone in a relationship like that should seek help to safely leave.

ijustwannadance · 03/01/2018 22:10

Be prepared for him to step up the abuse when you do become more assertive.

Once he realises you are waking up to his behaviour he will try even harder to regain control and put you back in your box.

He won't change.