Hi there,
I wonder if anyone could help me decide whether I am being utterly spineless here.
I am 61 years old with a lovely supportive husband, two grown up children and a granddaughter on the way. My husband and I are now retired and enjoying everything we worked hard for, have lots of friends and basically enjoy our lives. Except that throughout my life I have had to endure the total dysfunctional behaviour of my parents and only sibling. Both my parents were only children, so I have never had the additional support or comparison of Aunts or Uncles etc.
Since leaving home at age 17, I have never lived close by to my parents or sister and this had continued to this day with us now living mainly in an old house that we painstakingly did up in France.
However, distance never prevented me undertaking telephone calls/ visits and \ or assisting with practical care as my parents became older and in the last five or so years I routinely undertook a hundred mile round trip to visit every week.
Trying to assist my parents has always been a battle. My mother has always been very self centred, controlling and cold towards me and my family, preferring to favour my younger sister, husband and only son.
In my parents home there were never any pictures of me or my children, but simply lots of my sister and family. For reasons I still don’t understand my sister refuses to communicate with me or any other of my family. It has been like this for over 15 years or so.
I always got on with my Father though who was a lovely man, though too weak to stand up to my Mother and sister bullying and controlling behaviours. In the last few years my mother made his life an utter misery. She refused to consider any kind of assistance or home input, advice or reason and basically did nothing all day while he undertook all the cooking and fetching and carrying from a wheelchair. When I was allowed, I did whatever I could to try and support him, but it was only a matter of time before he became overwhelmed with exhaustion .
and he was finally taken into hospital following a fall at home.
Fortunately, though frail and exhausted, he was not injured and while he was in hospital I called him and the medical staff every day to keep informed. Neither my mother nor sister inform me of anything, not even when either parent is admitted to hospital etc. I usually only find out when I make my call.
Shortly before Christmas my father was discharged home with 4X daily care input and as usual I tried to call to see how he was. No one answered and the message facility had been turned off. A conversation with the care agency informed me my sister had taken over control of my parents home and that I had no access of contact.
A few days later my husband was called by my sisters husband to say that both my parents were very poorly and that all communication to us would be via solicitors letter and then he hung up.
A day later on Christmas Day my father had died. At least my sister did make a brief call to leave a message on our phone to tell me that.
The day after Boxing Day my husband and I drove the 700miles back to the UK. I had to arrange / book a visit to my mother via consent of my sister and we went the day after.
During our visit of 45 minuted we were watched over by a carer who had been instructed to stay while my mother did not say one kind thing to me, but basically ranted on about how disgusted she was that I had not had the decency to be with my father while and when he was dying or even bother to call. It did not matter that I had had no choice. My guilt was proven and that was that.
My sisters husband handed us a piece of paper that informed us of my fathers whereabouts and I am going to visit him on my own in the Chapel of Rest to say my final goodbye. After this it has been arranged that my husband and I will accompany my mother in a car to his funeral and this bit I really can’t deal with. To have to listen to her ranting on at me all the way there’s and back is just too much. As it is it is likely my sister will relish her own verbal attack with her version of my disrespectful behaviour etc. I wish to mereley go quietly to the service with my husband and son ( our daughter lives in New Zealand so is unable to attend) and then walk away from them all forever.
Am I being feeble, cowardly or similar.?