Wanting to attend my Fathers funeral on my terms then walking away

[BobbyG56]

Hi there,
I wonder if anyone could help me decide whether I am being utterly spineless here.
I am 61 years old with a lovely supportive husband, two grown up children and a granddaughter on the way. My husband and I are now retired and enjoying everything we worked hard for, have lots of friends and basically enjoy our lives. Except that throughout my life I have had to endure the total dysfunctional behaviour of my parents and only sibling. Both my parents were only children, so I have never had the additional support or comparison of Aunts or Uncles etc.

Since leaving home at age 17, I have never lived close by to my parents or sister and this had continued to this day with us now living mainly in an old house that we painstakingly did up in France.
However, distance never prevented me undertaking telephone calls/ visits and \ or assisting with practical care as my parents became older and in the last five or so years I routinely undertook a hundred mile round trip to visit every week.

Trying to assist my parents has always been a battle. My mother has always been very self centred, controlling and cold towards me and my family, preferring to favour my younger sister, husband and only son.
In my parents home there were never any pictures of me or my children, but simply lots of my sister and family. For reasons I still don’t understand my sister refuses to communicate with me or any other of my family. It has been like this for over 15 years or so.

I always got on with my Father though who was a lovely man, though too weak to stand up to my Mother and sister bullying and controlling behaviours. In the last few years my mother made his life an utter misery. She refused to consider any kind of assistance or home input, advice or reason and basically did nothing all day while he undertook all the cooking and fetching and carrying from a wheelchair. When I was allowed, I did whatever I could to try and support him, but it was only a matter of time before he became overwhelmed with exhaustion .
and he was finally taken into hospital following a fall at home.

Fortunately, though frail and exhausted, he was not injured and while he was in hospital I called him and the medical staff every day to keep informed. Neither my mother nor sister inform me of anything, not even when either parent is admitted to hospital etc. I usually only find out when I make my call.

Shortly before Christmas my father was discharged home with 4X daily care input and as usual I tried to call to see how he was. No one answered and the message facility had been turned off. A conversation with the care agency informed me my sister had taken over control of my parents home and that I had no access of contact.
A few days later my husband was called by my sisters husband to say that both my parents were very poorly and that all communication to us would be via solicitors letter and then he hung up.
A day later on Christmas Day my father had died. At least my sister did make a brief call to leave a message on our phone to tell me that.
The day after Boxing Day my husband and I drove the 700miles back to the UK. I had to arrange / book a visit to my mother via consent of my sister and we went the day after.
During our visit of 45 minuted we were watched over by a carer who had been instructed to stay while my mother did not say one kind thing to me, but basically ranted on about how disgusted she was that I had not had the decency to be with my father while and when he was dying or even bother to call. It did not matter that I had had no choice. My guilt was proven and that was that.

My sisters husband handed us a piece of paper that informed us of my fathers whereabouts and I am going to visit him on my own in the Chapel of Rest to say my final goodbye. After this it has been arranged that my husband and I will accompany my mother in a car to his funeral and this bit I really can’t deal with. To have to listen to her ranting on at me all the way there’s and back is just too much. As it is it is likely my sister will relish her own verbal attack with her version of my disrespectful behaviour etc. I wish to mereley go quietly to the service with my husband and son ( our daughter lives in New Zealand so is unable to attend) and then walk away from them all forever.

Am I being feeble, cowardly or similar.?

Nope. Go and pay your respects and then walk away from them.

However, check if there's a will. He may well have left you something personal or sentimental and they certainly won't tell you about it.

So sorry for all the typo’s . I guess my thoughts came out too quickly for my fingers to keep up.

Do it.

Do you even want to attend the funeral? Or would you prefer your own goodbye at the chapel of rest?

You must do exactly what you want to do, grieve the way you want to and ignore ignore ignore them!

You should do what YOU feel comfortable doing, if that means driving yourself, do so. I would imagine that accompanying your mother is only to keep up appearances . Don't allow them to treat you this way, take back control.

You will Never do right for doing wrong, according to them.

You do what you want OP. Say your goodbyes your way, not theirs. They sound abhorrent and please go no contact afterwards.

I'm sorry for your loss

What you intend sounds fine. I would avoid the car if possible. I also echo pp's advice about finding out if there is a will. You may think you want nothing, but you may find that even something small will be comforting. You are entitled to a share of his estate.

i'm so sorry for your loss.

Just do whatever you need to do. Tell the funeral director that you will make your own way to the funeral, afterwards walk away.
You have never had and will never get the 'normal' relationship with your mother and sister that you want. It's sad, but there it is. Nothing you can do about it.
Sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss

Please do whatever you want to do, I am sorry that you have been treated so badly

To be truthful I would rather avoid the funeral altogether, but I should hate anyone to feel that somehow it is my fathers fault why I am not there. It’s not about me it’s about him and my love and respect for him that I would like to honour. I will certainly not go along with my Sisters plan of somehow getting my mother into a car and going all the way there and back with her, while my sister just goes along with her son and husband. I will not be going to the burial, just the service. There is no wake and likely very few people. My parents never mixed with anyone and other than people who worked with my father he had few friends. My mother has none.
But of course when I visit my Dad in the Chapel of Rest, I will be able to really say the goodbyes that I was not allowed when he was alive but poorly ( apparently though my sister and mother refused to urge him to go back to hospital so who knows whether he might still be here now if he had )
What an awful, awful family I come from.

You are entitled to a share of his estate.

No she is not. No one is entitled to anything

Ask yourself this OP, would you let a friend treat you in the same way your mum and sister have treated you? Would it not be fair to say that a friend who did this, would soon become an ex-friend rather quickly?

If so, then there's no reason to think things should be any different, due to your mother's choice to give birth to you. It was her choice, not yours, so you owe her nothing.

If they launch into a tirade, then let it wash over you (or zone out and just nod in the right places so they think you're listening). You know they'll talk trash about you, so just ignore it. If you can't, then the MN phrase "Did you mean to be so rude" may come in handy.

Go or not, but you don't have to justify your decision to anyone else but yourself.

To be truthful I would rather avoid the funeral altogether, but I should hate anyone to feel that somehow it is my fathers fault why I am not there. If you would rather avoid it, then don't go. Say your goodbyes in whatever way is best for you. If there are unlikely to be many mourners, and you'll be cutting contact anyway, then who cares what they think? Anyone outside the family who knew your DF will know that you made the effort with him and will also likely draw their own conclusions about the behaviour of your mother and sister. If you believe in an afterlife, then your df will know the love you have for him. And if you don't, then he'll never know you weren't at the funeral 💐

What a horrid situation to be in. If it were me I would make my own way to the funeral; attend and pay respects and then leave. I wouldnt talk to the mother or sister. And if Sisters husband contacts you in future I would tell him in no uncertain terms where to go.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

You need to do what is going to help you get through this difficult time. Never mind what your mother and sister want, they sound like nasty pieces of work.

As to inheritance, legally you may not be entitled to anything but morally, yes, of course you should be entitled to ask for a keepsake to remember your father by. However, if I were you, I'd be prepared to be refused this. That is not fair but seems likely given how things have panned out. I take it you will not be having anything further to do with your mother's care. I don't see why you should in the circumstances you describe. I'm very sorry that your family has proved so dysfunctional.

I'm sorry for your loss. You're not alone. My mother is mega controlling, and jealous of the relationship I had with my Dad. On the night he died, she had been at the hospital since 2am and I raced across the country and arrived around 4pm. The nursing staff knew the end was near and said we could stay in his private room until the end. My mother was understandably tired and needed to go home, but I wanted to stay as I did'nt want him to die alone. She shouted and screamed that if she was'nt there there , then nobody else would be. ( I have 2 sisters, who had also been there for 18 hours plus) I defied her, and stayed with him until he died. She would rather he died alone staring at a hospital wall, than have me there. My 2 sisters are so clicky with her that I became the absolute demon for daring to stay with him. Do what you want to do as regards your Dad. She won't think any more of you for toeing the line. So don't. Condolences on the loss of your dear Dad. When I lost mine, I told myself that at least he was free from her bullying, controlling, domineering ways.

I think you do what you want. As you say there won’t be many there to see if you are there or not and even if they notice, do you really care what people who live far from ti think? Your mother and sister can organize things between them - they don’t deserve your consideration.

I am so sorry for your loss Bobby.
You have the support of your husband and son to do whatever you want to do on the day. Go with your own family and leave, you don’t need to justify to your mother or sister what you want to do. Your dear dad would have known that you cared and loved him. Go and leave at your own time of choice.

Sorry for your loss.
I know you say you made regular phone calls and travelled many miles to see your parents, but it's not quite the same as being there every day, involved in hands-on, day in, day out care that your sibling and other relations who live much closer may have had to put up with on a daily basis.
Caring for elderly parents when they're well is extremely hard work, even more so if one or both is ill.
It's not your fault that you live further away, but, reading between the lines, it sounds as if there's possibly a lot of underlying resentment from family members towards you.

A case of ''BobbyG56 managed to move away while we were left to put up with all the crap on a daily basis''
As I said, it's not your fault, but it could help to try and understand how things have been for them, all this time you've been miles away in France.
The funeral alone will have taken a lot of organizing. Were you any part of that?
Not meaning to be harsh, but instead of seeing them all as evil, try and put yourself in their shoes for 5 minutes.
It might soften your view a bit. Or not.
Some families there's no hope, they're just horrible people.

Sorry if my post sounds a bit harsh.
I'm trying to play Devil's Advocate.

Sorry for your loss I would go and say goodbye to him at the chapel of rest and then go back to your home in France and live your life without all that shit.
As your sister has said all contact will be through a solicitor, at least you have someone you can contact with regards to any will. I wonder if your mum and sister know the wills contents which is why they are being so awful to you for no apprent reason? All the best op.

You have 3 options (4 if you include the one you absolutely don’t want to
do!);

Don’t go
Say your goodbyes at the chapel of rest and not go to the service
Go to the service in your own car.

It’s not going to bring out the best of your family (as you already know), so I wouldn’t get too hung up honouring your father, you can pay your respects in your own way in private

And fwiw, I’d personally wash my hands of any inheritance as cut all remaining ties. Wills never bring out the best in people as it is.

Your sound like a lovely daughter. Your only criticism of your dad is that he was too weak to stand up to your mum and sister. Don't repeat that behaviour, don't make let them bully or pressure you into doning what they want. The best way to honour him is to be true to yourself and pay your last respects in the way you want to do it.