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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is is this normal conversation . .

79 replies

Justmyownself · 03/01/2018 13:11

Been here on and off for a few years, lurking mostly but decided to set up a new account as I need some perspective on something that happened over Christmas.

My DH and I (together 7 years, married 4 years)had invited his sister (SIL) to spend Christmas with us. We have done this for the past three years as she is divorced (no kids) and there are no other family living in this part of the country. SIL is 41, my DH is 40.

SIL has never been easy to get on with. On our first meeting she invited us to stay over at her house, which is a two hour drive away. Later that night (we had all been in her local for a drink) she had been talking about a new guy she was dating, who apparently still lived with the mother of his one month old baby, but assured her it was just until he found his own place. I mentioned in conversation that hopefully he was being honest with her about the situation. She went ballistic, stood up in the middle of the pub and started to shout at me and my DH. She called me a fake, said I was only with my DH be had his own house, then left the pub and actually locked us out of her her house at two in the morning on a freezing January night. Things havent ever been great between us, but for the sake of my DH I have tried to get along, and we see her (she comes to stay at ours) every few weekends.

The year before last, she got grunk on Christmas day and had another blow up because I told her she was a bit rude for banning me from my own kitchen while she was cooking (she offered to cook Christmas lunch while she stayed over). When I say banning me I actually mean it, when I walked in she stoood in front of me and told me to leave. Not in a playful manner, she was deadly serious. My DH told her to stop being silly and she then lost it. Grabbed her keys, called me a bitch and walked out. She drove two hours back to her house, having just drank a bottle and a half of wine!

Fast Forward to this past Christmas. We again invited her up. First day was ok. Christmas morning she got up and did the usual cooking routien (dont ask!). I got up and came down stairs wearing the necklace my DH had given to me for Chriatmas. Its not exactly worth thousands but my DH saved up to get me something special this yeara and I know it wasnt cheap. When I walked into the living room my SIL walked up to me, looked at the necklace and then asked me

"What did you buy my brother that cost the same?"

I was too stunned to reply, I made some excuse and left the room.

Later that morning she again stopped me from goong into the kitchen. I told her

"Dont tell me where I can and cant go in my own house"

She lost it and again grabbed her keys and attwmpted to drive drunk back to her house. This time DH grabbed her keys and told her if she went anywhere near the car he would call the police.

When she asked me about the necklace she was sober. That wasnt a normal thing to ask somebody was it? I only memtion the other things for context. Is this normal behaviour?

AIBU for letting her get to me and "answering back".?

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/01/2018 14:23

Your DH and his DS are very much adults, it isn't your job to be peacekeeper. If they're going to fall out, they will do, regardless of your input.
Choose not to comment on her potential relationship, keep schtum, and listen only.
Next Christmas go out for dinner with your DH, no more invites for SIL.
She either has a drink problem, or anger issues, theses he must deal with herself.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/01/2018 14:29

Your DH needs to take control here and stop enabling this shit. Why is he letting her behave like this in your home? Put a stop to it, tell him she is no longer welcome in your home. They can meet as often as they like at her home or on neutral territory.

BashStreetKid · 03/01/2018 14:32

She has a serious problem with alcohol, doesn't she? Can your DH talk to her about it?

Twoo · 03/01/2018 14:37

Come on OP, admit it. You KNOW there will be fireworks & drama with sil around.

Joking aside. To be honest, I’d go nc. If your DH wants to maintain contact, let him visit her on her own.

Myself, I treat unhouse trained people, like animals... they dont get over the threshold until they can be trusted not to soil & spoil

NinonDeLenclos · 03/01/2018 14:40

Just stop seeing her she's insane.

AFistfulOfDolores · 03/01/2018 14:45

@Justmyownself - If you read back every one of her responses that you quote for each situation, you'll see that she is projecting.

I wouldn't be inviting her back, as it's clear that not only is she not able to take responsibility, but she's wreaking a lot of damage in the process.

AFistfulOfDolores · 03/01/2018 14:47

As an aside, did you at some point in your life have to learn that you had to be a buffer in explosive situations, and to keep the peace at all costs?

pictish · 03/01/2018 14:48

I would step right back from facilitating your dh's relationship with his sister. Let them sort it out themselves in a way that doesn't rely on you having to tolerate her rudeness in your home. Whether it's out of misplaced loyalty for her brother or plain old jealousy, she clearly harbours a grudge with you that she considers she has a right to have...to the point where she will assume authority over you in your own home. This is absolutely unacceptable and you would be justified in saying she is no longer welcome. Your dh may see her elsewhere as he pleases.

MadMags · 03/01/2018 14:50

Obviously, you should stop inviting her.

However, you’d known her five seconds before you offered your unwanted opinion, and you were so judgemental did you think she’d want to be besties??

Then, the Christmas dinner thing...

I don’t know, it sounds like you know what sets her off so you push her buttons.

Her behaviour is not your fault but instead of inviting her and then winding each other up, you’d be better off keeping your distance. For both your sakes.

As for the drink driving, that’s disgusting and so were you and DH for not even trying to stop it.

holeinmyheart · 03/01/2018 14:57

Well OP your crazy SIL is always going to be the same. You can't change her EVER. So you have two choices and you know them already. One is, don't EVER again say anything contentious or express your opinion of ANY situation she finds herself in, OR go NC.

You DH doesn't want to go NC so you have a dilemma.

From your post it appears that you yourself are quite a determined person so do you think you can change yourself into a laid back easygoing SIL and just accept your SIL for the prickly insecure nutty person she sounds like?

I have just experienced Christmas with a real mixed bag of relatives. In laws, my children and their children and their partners. I don't find it easy to clamp my mouth shut as I am about as easy going as Attila the Hun...but it's the only way that you can survive a few days with people who quite frankly don't think as i do and are not me.

And at the same time they have all eaten and drunk way far too much and haven't had enough 'Me' time to recover their equilibrium, because they were forced to play Trivial Pursuits/ Perudo etc and also eat their own bodyweight in Chocolate.
I am surprised there are not much more 'killings ' of family members at Christmas.

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/01/2018 15:00

So completely bizarre that you have this woman in your house for Christmas, or at all really.

Just refuse going forward. Of course she’s unreasonable, she’s totally horribly unreasonable.

Fluffy40 · 03/01/2018 15:06

I’d be throwing her car keys in the nearest river.

What a bitch.

NewspaperTaxis · 03/01/2018 15:09

Agree, but always best in these situations to skirt around not having her, find an excuse rather than 'I hate you' though that would be cathartic for other Mumsnet advisers who live in a consequence-free environment re other people's problems (though no one on this thread seems to be doing this, it happens on other threads). Just be vague next time round.

This does sound like the hell one invites upon oneself when you have too much time on your hands and have yet to 'get the t-shirt'. If you dealt with this situ, then two years later another horror descended on you at Xmas doing the same as her, you would give them short shrift second time round. But this is still your 'first time' so to speak. Hope this doesn't sound like victim blaming, but we've all sort of been there (as the victim rather than the horrible visitor, hopefully!)

KC225 · 03/01/2018 15:12

Is there other family? Parents, grandparents, other siblings?

What does your DH say/do when she behaves like this?

Your DH need a to start meeting her on his own outside of the home. If he doesn't facilitate this, its his look out. They ate both grown ups. They can arrange meet ups between them.

yulefool · 03/01/2018 15:16

thank goodness it's all over for another year eh? It sounds like you see a lot of her though, every few weekends, and so there have only been a few blow ups over the last few years?

It does sound as though she has a problem - is your DH trying to care for her in some way with the very regular contact?

Trinity66 · 03/01/2018 15:22

Its good you've made such an effort with her for your DHs sake but you can't have her come over and insulting you like that, I's stay away from her from now on tbh you don't have to put up with that. What does your DH say about it?

Dustysparrow · 03/01/2018 15:31

Why in God's name you still give this awful woman the time of day after she is repeatedly so vile to you is beyond me. I would have gone NC long before this.

Cracker09jacker · 03/01/2018 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheekyFuckersAreEntertaining · 03/01/2018 15:35

She was seeing a man she met online who lived with his missus and had a one month old baby at home.
Fuck me, how could anyone be wrong questioning that?!?!

I wouldn't have spoken to her again after locking me out with my belongings inside and nowhere to stay two hours from home in January at 2am,

Give up on her. She's not your sister and even if she were that's no reason you must put up with all that nonsense.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/01/2018 15:45

CF I don’t think it’s wrong to question it internally or to DH but to someone you’ve just met, it’s over stepping the mark. It doesn’t come across concerned, it comes across judge and negativity from someone you’ve only known a few hours is a lasting first impression particularly to someone so reactive.

g1itterati · 03/01/2018 16:16

OP, you have a litany of reasons not to invite her again. What does your DH have to say about her? Is he particularly worried?

If she is an alcoholic, he should be on her case about AA or going to the GP. After this latest outburst, he could maybe set up some therapy for her? Do you think she would go? Maybe he could pay for a course of sessions and make it clear to her that her attendance is a condition of her being invited to your home in the near future?

She sounds lonely and bitter and she's losing her grip. She sounds very desperate actually and it's sad. She will isolate herself from friends and family if action is not taken, but you are not her therapist.

spangles1963 · 03/01/2018 17:16

She sounds like a complete loon.

HildaZelda · 03/01/2018 17:43

Cut contact with her OP. If your DH wants to see her fine, however there's no reason why you should have too.

Inlaws are such 'fun' aren't they?! Should DH and I ever split up and were I to ever meet anyone else the first thing I'd be doing is making sure he was an orphan with no siblings!

wednesdayswench · 03/01/2018 17:52

There's something wrong with her. And she clearly hates you.

Stop inviting her to your home. Seriously. Just stop.

CriticalMass · 03/01/2018 18:04

Hope you took your necklace back.

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