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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is is this normal conversation . .

79 replies

Justmyownself · 03/01/2018 13:11

Been here on and off for a few years, lurking mostly but decided to set up a new account as I need some perspective on something that happened over Christmas.

My DH and I (together 7 years, married 4 years)had invited his sister (SIL) to spend Christmas with us. We have done this for the past three years as she is divorced (no kids) and there are no other family living in this part of the country. SIL is 41, my DH is 40.

SIL has never been easy to get on with. On our first meeting she invited us to stay over at her house, which is a two hour drive away. Later that night (we had all been in her local for a drink) she had been talking about a new guy she was dating, who apparently still lived with the mother of his one month old baby, but assured her it was just until he found his own place. I mentioned in conversation that hopefully he was being honest with her about the situation. She went ballistic, stood up in the middle of the pub and started to shout at me and my DH. She called me a fake, said I was only with my DH be had his own house, then left the pub and actually locked us out of her her house at two in the morning on a freezing January night. Things havent ever been great between us, but for the sake of my DH I have tried to get along, and we see her (she comes to stay at ours) every few weekends.

The year before last, she got grunk on Christmas day and had another blow up because I told her she was a bit rude for banning me from my own kitchen while she was cooking (she offered to cook Christmas lunch while she stayed over). When I say banning me I actually mean it, when I walked in she stoood in front of me and told me to leave. Not in a playful manner, she was deadly serious. My DH told her to stop being silly and she then lost it. Grabbed her keys, called me a bitch and walked out. She drove two hours back to her house, having just drank a bottle and a half of wine!

Fast Forward to this past Christmas. We again invited her up. First day was ok. Christmas morning she got up and did the usual cooking routien (dont ask!). I got up and came down stairs wearing the necklace my DH had given to me for Chriatmas. Its not exactly worth thousands but my DH saved up to get me something special this yeara and I know it wasnt cheap. When I walked into the living room my SIL walked up to me, looked at the necklace and then asked me

"What did you buy my brother that cost the same?"

I was too stunned to reply, I made some excuse and left the room.

Later that morning she again stopped me from goong into the kitchen. I told her

"Dont tell me where I can and cant go in my own house"

She lost it and again grabbed her keys and attwmpted to drive drunk back to her house. This time DH grabbed her keys and told her if she went anywhere near the car he would call the police.

When she asked me about the necklace she was sober. That wasnt a normal thing to ask somebody was it? I only memtion the other things for context. Is this normal behaviour?

AIBU for letting her get to me and "answering back".?

OP posts:
PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 03/01/2018 13:46

I’d stop inviting her to my house. You’ve given her enough chances. SIL is a bitch.

SeraphinaDombegh · 03/01/2018 13:48

She sounds batshit! Stop inviting her, it isn't helping the relationship and it doesn't sound like any of you enjoy it.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/01/2018 13:48

She sounds appalling - why would you invite her again after the first drunk ranting incident?

Mazza10 · 03/01/2018 13:48

Why do you bother inviting her over, for Christmas or whenever. Who cares she is your husbands sister- she treats you like crap.

Jenny17 · 03/01/2018 13:50

Possible the divorce was very hard on her and is projecting? Behaviour is not reasonable but your DH has to be the one to say respect my wife that is the only option. Never comment on anything personal with DSIL even if it is obvious like her man living with his baby’s mama

InsomniacAnonymous · 03/01/2018 13:54

"She drove two hours back to her house, having just drank a bottle and a half of wine! "

That's the most shocking thing about your entire post! You should have stopped her or if you couldn't for any reason, called the police immediately.

metalmum15 · 03/01/2018 13:55

She's a nut job and a drunk by the sounds of it, if she's already hammered by late morning. Just because he's related to her, doesn't mean you need to have a relationship with her. If dh wants to see her he can do it on neutral ground and not in your house. I can't understand why you would keep inviting her round tbh.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/01/2018 13:55

What happened with the new boyfriend still living with his child's mother? Were you proved 100% correct in assuming he was still with her? If you were, I think your SIL might still be holding that grievance (even if you haven't said 'I told you so'.) She was probably angry that you gave voice to her fears, which she will have thought made her look stupid.

And I second that she might be an alcoholic. Her insouciance about driving drunk, her uncertain temperament and her ranting all sounds like she depends on alcohol way too much. Let your husband see her alone and don't keep inviting her round. He knows why, she knows why.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 03/01/2018 13:55

It also sounds to me like she has a significant drinking problem- and a personaility problem.

Why on earth does she stay at yours every few weekends? Why do you and your DH (who doesn't sound like he likes her much more than you do) put up with it?

Original poster
Justmyownself · 03/01/2018 13:57

Its to keep the peace between her and DH. I dont want to be the reason she can give for not speaking to her brother. If that makes sense

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 03/01/2018 13:59

She does sound difficult, but (TBH) is it all entirely one way, OP? Grin

I mentioned in conversation that hopefully he was being honest with her about the situation

"The very first time I met her, and for no reason at all, I casually implied that her new boyfriend was probably lying to her and was almost certainly married. For some reason, she got upset! What a crazy woman!"

I walked in she stoood in front of me and told me to leave. Not in a playful manner, she was deadly serious.

OK, so she offered to do all the cooking over Christmas - was the deal that she would be left alone to do that? And did you agree to that, only to find a dozen reasons just to 'pop in' and check up on her?

Original poster
Justmyownself · 03/01/2018 14:02

Absolutely not a reverse. I didnt mean to sound rude about the relationship thing. She had spent the best part of an hour telling us how she was going to quit her job and move to Manchester to be with this guy. I agree it might have sounded rude though.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 03/01/2018 14:03

Did she tell you beforehand that she would like to be completely uninterrupted in the kitchen? Because it seems to me that you left this out of your original OP.

onalongsabbatical · 03/01/2018 14:06

Why have you not reported her for drink driving?
Why do you take up her offer to cook your xmas dinner? To be fair, if someone offered to do such a big domestic task for me and I took them up on it, while they cooked I'd allow the kitchen to be under their rules. Do you dislike cooking xmas dinner so much that you think it's worth her doing it?

MiddleClassProblem · 03/01/2018 14:06

It just wasn’t your place to say. Can you imagine someone saying that to you the first time you met them? How would DH feel if she introduced DH to a boyfriend and he said he thought you were with DH for his money having never met either if you before?

Having said that none of it justifies her reactions or her seriously dangerous behaviour to herself and others.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2018 14:06

I stopped seeing my SIL for much less than that. If people don't make you feel good, you don't have to have them in your life you know. You're part of this because you're allowing it to happen. No more visits to your house. If your dh wants to see her, he can go to hers at a time that's convenient for you both. It's really not hard.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2018 14:08

Fast Forward to this past Christmas. We again invited her up
WHY??????
Seriously, stop doing this.
Your DH can go and visit her when ever he likes, or they could meet half way and stay somewhere overnight, but you need to keep away from her and not have her in your house!!!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 03/01/2018 14:10

She's jealous, and has been all along. I think the blow-up in the pub was because she was uncertain about her security in that relationship and she didn't like you pointing it out to her, especially since you had taken her brother away from her.

(Out of interest, what's his relationship history like, and how has his sister been with his past girlfriends?)

She reminds me of my sister. I was given a very generous monetary gift by my uncle, and, a few months later, she asked when was I going to give it back to him. It was a gift, not a loan, but because she hadn't received the same at the same time in her life she thought I ought not accept it. The fact that, when she was my age then she'd not needed it, and he'd paid a greater amount towards her wedding was neither here nor there.

I would stay away from her. Yes, she may be on her own next Christmas but that's not your fault, nor your responsibility.

Original poster
Justmyownself · 03/01/2018 14:11

She offered to cook because I work nights and didnt finish until 7am christmas morning.

OP posts:
MsHarry · 03/01/2018 14:14

Wow, I think you have been more than generous in hosting her over again after the way she has behaved. she has issues over relationships, she is jealous of you and she likes the bottle too much. I would put more energy into getting her help and don't invite her on those conditions again. Either she comes and you cook in your own house or she doesn't come and limit her drinks.

MsHarry · 03/01/2018 14:15

I had to tell my sis this year that her partner could not come to ours because of his behaviour last year. It caused a stink but I know I'm right and have to put my family first. Again it's drink related.

RedDogsBeg · 03/01/2018 14:16

OP you say: Its to keep the peace between her and DH. I dont want to be the reason she can give for not speaking to her brother. If that makes sense.

Stop being a martyr. Your dh's relationship with his sister is his to manage and it can be managed without her being invited to your house for weekends or Christmas. You will not be responsible if she stops talking to him, that is her choice not yours and your dh needs to accept that.

Your remark about her boyfriend on first meeting her was a bit tactless but it in no way justifies her subsequent behaviour.

Life is too short to spend it with people who behave towards you like your SIL does, stop feeding this madness.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/01/2018 14:19

I want to know if you were right about the boyfriend as well

WizardOfToss · 03/01/2018 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Justmyownself · 03/01/2018 14:22

The "boyfriend" was a guy she had met online. He lived the other side of the country and they had spent one weekend together. She never saw him again.

OP posts: