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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell this woman about a kiss

35 replies

thebumblebearbee · 03/01/2018 09:46

2 years ago I worked with a couple. One day the male half of the couple approached me in a secluded area of our work and kissed me. I was confused as I wasn't aware that he found me attractive or wanted to kiss me, let alone that he thought he could just walk up to me and kiss me. To my re-collation I had never flirted with him or made myself available to him.

I did not push him off, but I don't remember kissing him back either. It was all very surprising and I was thrown off guard. He then stopped kissing me and asked me to come into a store room with him (classy). I declined and left the area. The next week the business closed unexpectedly and we never saw each other again so there were never any repercussions from the incident.

I have recently found out the couple have got engaged and I am in two minds whether to tell the girlfriend what happened. One part of me thinks if it were me and I were about to make a huge commitment, planned to spend my life with someone, I'd want to know if they had been disloyal to me during our relationship. Another part thinks, it was two years ago, it was probably a silly mistake on his part that he regrets and is glad never went anywhere. Another part thinks I would just look spiteful and trying to cause trouble for a happy couple which I am 100% not.

I know I will get hate for being the 'OW' but would I be unreasonable to tell her or should I just let them get on with things?

OP posts:
twinone · 03/01/2018 09:51

Why not tell her when it happened, rather than 2 years down the line!?

Original poster
thebumblebearbee · 03/01/2018 09:59

To be completely honest, it just didn't seem like that much of a big deal to me at the time. But now I am in a serious relationship, looking towards marriage myself (met my DP 2 weeks after this kiss) maybe I am seeing things in a different light?

OP posts:
That1950sMum · 03/01/2018 10:01

No way. It is two years on and wasn't a very big deal at the time. Leave them alone.

That1950sMum · 03/01/2018 10:03

Sorry, that sounded a bit harsh! I just meant you shouldn't worry about this incident. It isn't your responsibility, just enjoy your relationship and don't fret about theirs.

LemonShark · 03/01/2018 10:03

Yeah I'd tell. But anonymously I think in case it blew back on me. Though he could just say it's you and then she'll know. I only recommend being anon because you don't know how people will react and you don't wanna cause any trouble for yourself.

Most will say just leave it and stay out but i'm with you, I'd want to know. Whether she believes you or not is up to her but at least she can marry him with full knowledge of what he's capable of, I feel it's cruel to allow someone to go ahead and marry when you know this!

Cbaanymore123 · 03/01/2018 10:09

The fact he wanted to go to the store room for a bit more suggests he probably has done this before.

badabing36 · 03/01/2018 10:14

I think if you had told her at the time it would be different. Doing it now would appear that you are jealous of her engagement and he would probably feed her some line about you always having a crush on him and get away with it.

He's probably done worse with others. I wouldn't get involved.

AryaOfWinterfell · 03/01/2018 10:17

Have you posted this before? The ‘story’ seems very, very familiar.
If I remember rightly then people told you then to keep it to yourself and not be spiteful.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 03/01/2018 10:18

Leave them be

Emily7708 · 03/01/2018 10:23

Just leave it. They might not even have been in an exclusive relationship two years ago.

Original poster
thebumblebearbee · 03/01/2018 10:24

No have not posted before. They got engaged about a month ago and has been playing on my mind since then.

I feel it's cruel to allow someone to go ahead and marry when you know this ^^This is how I feel. I don't really want to get involved but I don't want to stand by and let her make a potentially huge mistake when I have information that may prevent heartache in the future

OP posts:
Original poster
thebumblebearbee · 03/01/2018 10:29

They might not even have been in an exclusive relationship two years ago
They had been together for some years and were living together. Looking back I can't fathom why I didn't tell her at the time. Selfishness I guess? Urrgh this is frustrating.

OP posts:
Crashbangwhallop · 03/01/2018 10:30

I’d want to know the truth regardless of how long ago. But for experience of being with liars and cheats, they’d find a way to explain it away and make her out to be the bad person for even thinking it could be true anyway.

Eatingwormswithwine · 03/01/2018 10:34

Don’t shit stir. Leave them alone. It was two years ago, their relationship could have been totally different then.

FittonTower · 03/01/2018 10:40

It's 2 years, if someone told me my husband had done this 2 years ago I'd be pretty annoyed. I'd be more annoyed with my husband obviously but it would strike me as trying to cause trouble to wait 2 years then bring it up out of the blue. Even if the reasons for the delay were sensible ones

whiskyowl · 03/01/2018 10:45

Most Mumsnetters apparently would rather live a lie than know the truth, so most people will tell you that you shouldn't do this and that it is only motivated by jealousy/vindictiveness.

I, however, would like to know in her shoes. I don't think it matters how the woman is motivated, because the problem in the relationship has nothing to do with her. The guy has cheated. Whatever the messenger's motivations, he has still cheated.

BalloonSlayer · 03/01/2018 10:45

I'd imagine he tries this with approximately two women per week in the hope of a success every month or so.

I wouldn't blame you if you did say something but by the same token, if you chose not to I don't think it would make much difference.

ObscuredbyFog · 03/01/2018 10:46

I'd let it drop. As the business closed the week after he kissed you, it could have been an out of character moment.

If he's always making passes and kissing women and inviting them to take it further, she'll either know already and dismiss it as just his way, or someone else who he's gone further with will tell her.

WeKnowFrogsGoShaLaLaLaLa · 03/01/2018 10:50

Telling her then - in her best interests, telling her now, trouble causing. Not how it is but how it will be construed.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2018 10:55

Have you talked it over with your DP? because this may create a shitstorm that effects him as well.

I think that you should keep quiet. Couples can get over cheating and you will just humiliate her.

My DD has just started living with her DP again after a multiple cheating episode, on his part. Very few people knew that they'd split for a while. She wouldn't appreciate someone bringing things up in two years time.

Viviennemary · 03/01/2018 10:55

No I wouldn't tell her. You should have said something to this guy at the time if you weren't happy to be kissed. Just forget about it.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2018 10:58

What do you hope to achieve by telling her?

MsHarry · 03/01/2018 11:00

Stay out of it. It's too long ago, nothing really happened. You don't know if they 'were on a break' in a Ross/Rachel stylee. You have no proof, it was years ago and their relationship has moved on.

Original poster
thebumblebearbee · 03/01/2018 11:00

birdsgottafly
Yes I've told my DP, he isn't really concerned with what I do with the whole affair but has said he would personally prefer to know.

If I knew he had cheated before and she knew about it but was still with him I wouldn't bother telling her. Not really the same situation as your DD's.

OP posts:
user1495451339 · 03/01/2018 11:02

No, you should have either told her at the time or not tell her at all. 2 years is a long time and you have happily let her carry on her life in the meantime to the point they are happy enough to get engaged! Imagine if you tell her and find out she is pregnant?