Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Inappropriate present giving with language barrier. Help !

47 replies

Ffs2 · 02/01/2018 20:53

Long story short my 4 year old started reception in September and quickly bonded with another little girl which is lovely, however after a couple of weeks little girls mum started bringing my DD chocolate after school almost every day. Obviously I like them to have a treat or a snack but something small usually not a 4 finger kitkat or similar. I wasn't very comfortable with this but due to the language barrier I didn't know how to deal with this ( we exchange pleasantries but other than that she has very limited English) so on the last day before Christmas break I bought her DD a selection box hoping this would be the end of it. First day back at school today 8.40 this morning mum walks straight up to my DD and hands her a present which turns out to be a pair of earrings for pierced ears ( which she doesn't have). I was gobsmacked and had not had enough coffee so simply smiled and slipped them in my pocket. How do I stop this ?! Will I be expected to buy her DD diamonds come Easter ?! I don't want to offend her she seems lovely but I need it to stop. Help !

OP posts:

Liara · 02/01/2018 20:56

Well you did respond to the gifts giving by giving a bigger gift...

Maybe stop giving gifts? Obviously in her culture gift giving is an important part of relating and she is responding to your pre-xmas gift...

Maelstrop · 02/01/2018 20:57

One presumes the dd speaks decent English? Get them together and tell mum thanks very much for the presents, but ask her to stop giving them as you fear your dd is becoming spoiled or something.

Original poster

Ffs2 · 02/01/2018 21:21

It wasn't a bigger gift ! It didn't come close to evening up the playing field ! It was just a token.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ffs2 · 02/01/2018 21:21

Also sadly her DD doesn't speak very good English so that's another no go 😕

OP posts:

hattiehollow · 02/01/2018 21:39

It’s her choice to keep bringing gifts. You don’t have to respond and return the favour. She may get the message and stop, or she may keep bringing gifts. Her choice.
I think I would try smiling and saying thank you but very clearly handing them back - even if she doesn’t speak English, she may well get the message this way.
If you don’t want your daughter to have the gifts or feel that they’re inappropriate, just take them away from her. She’s 4 - and you’re the grown up. You can explain to her why the presents are inappropriate: “in our family we don’t eat chocolate every day” or “in our family, four year olds don’t have their ears pierced”.

Kitsandkids · 02/01/2018 21:53

Does she have religion other than Christianity? If so she probably thought she'd made a cultural faux pas by not giving a Christmas present and was trying to make up for it after the fact. I would just say thank you but tell your daughter she must have made a mistake as the earrings are for pierced ears but never mind, it's the thought that counts.

A mum at my boys' school gave me a present for my baby at Christmas and I just thanked her even though I then took the clothing item back to the shop as it was too small (and not to my taste) - but I wouldn't tell her that.

I imagine she's just trying to be friendly with the chocolate giving. It's probably quite scary for her negotiating the school playground with a language barrier and she is probably so pleased her daughter has made a friend she is just trying to facilitate this. I'd maybe buy a treat tin and tell your daughter the treats are to be put in there and eaten when you say so.

Original poster

Ffs2 · 02/01/2018 22:02

Thanks Hattie and Kids that's good advice. I have no idea about her religion or culture but I did suspect it may be something like this which makes it harder to bring up as I certainly don't want to offend her religion or beliefs. The giving back idea may work but seems a bit harsh or maybe I'm just soft !

OP posts:

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 02/01/2018 22:05

Also dd to pick a flower and take it to school!! Or draw a picture of one!!
When my dd started swimming lessons a gorgeous little Indian boy who spoke no English took my ds (which watched with me) a box of raisins every week!! I encouraged ds to share but never took him anything back.

EUnamechange · 02/01/2018 22:11

Can you say where she is from/language/religion/country?

I work in international relations and present giving and receiving is a fraught business and varies a lot. If you can give more info (PM if you like) I might be able to advise. I've worked with a lot of cultures, and also have a very useful book which advises on these matters for most cultural situations.

Pollaidh · 02/01/2018 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missiondecision · 02/01/2018 22:14

Very difficult without an idea of where the family are from. To refuse in some cultures is considered very rude.

Original poster

Ffs2 · 03/01/2018 06:51

Thank you I have no idea where they are from though couldn't even guess 😕

OP posts:

StillTryingHard · 03/01/2018 07:11

I wouldn't give ear-rings back - that could be excruciating for the woman. Ask her for coffee!

LemonShark · 03/01/2018 07:29

I would write her a note saying 'thank you for the gifts you have given my daughter, I am glad she has made such a lovely friend. I would prefer though if you stop giving her sweets as she isn't hungry for her evening meal. I'll see you soon!'

Even if her English is poor she probably knows someone who can translate. This should cut down on the snack gifts. If she chooses to give other presents you can't really stop her but I'd make sure not to give any back as you'll just get trapped in a loop of awkward unwanted gift giving then.

Also maybe invite her for coffee if you fancy it? You can use google translate for half an hour while the kids play. No need to if you don't want to strike up a new friendship though and it might stoke more gifts.

MidniteScribbler · 03/01/2018 07:43

It may be cultural. I had a parent last year that regularly would bring in a chocolate, or small item, and even lunch in a Tupperware. It was just something from her culture where teachers were treated that way. She was an amazing cook, so I didn't mind too much.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 03/01/2018 07:45

Next bar of chocolate say "Thank you! SO nice!" with a big smile...then say "No more chocolate for DD...her teeth!" STILL smiling and shaking your head and pointing to chocolate.

THEN say "Would you like to come for coffee?"

East to mime that..

Yorkshireteaforme · 03/01/2018 07:51

You could speak to the teacher, or the office staff at school, to find out what the family's first language is. You might be able to find out more about their customs around gift-giving then and maybe write out a little card (Google Translate is your friend, even if some of the translations are a bit crap) explaining that gifts aren't necessary. Is there a park nearby? Could you invite her and her DD for a runaround after school one day?
I used to work with children who had English as a second language, some of whom spoke no English at all, so I know it's more difficult to communicate but it's not impossible. Good luck!

BrutusMcDogface · 03/01/2018 08:07

I absolutely would not refuse, or give the gifts back! In any culture that's just plain rude and offensive.

Just keep accepting with s smile but don't reciprocate. Explain to your daughter that she can't eat chocolate every day but take it home and put it in a treat tin as suggested by a pp.

The little girl will pick up English very, very quickly, so it won't be long before you can communicate to her that there is no need for a gift each day!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/01/2018 08:21

I’d find out the language they speak/ country they’re from from the teacher or TA like someone upthread said.
Not sure how reliable Google translate is - I translated something out of curiosity to and from my language and it was a ridiculous translation tbh!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 03/01/2018 08:42

Brutus what nonsense! Sometimes gifts are innapropriate.

Chocolate daily is too much. What if OP's DD felt pressured to play with the child because of daily gifts which OP had accepted!

No...best to do as DrinkFeck says and learn how to nicely explain that it's too much but very kind. And invite for a playdate/coffee.

BrutusMcDogface · 03/01/2018 08:45

Erm, no I don't think it is nonsense. Maybe you don't mind being rude...

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/01/2018 09:05

I think it would have been OK to refuse politely the earrings for example - your DD doesn't have pierced ears. Saying that it would have been best done straight away not weeks later. not sure how you can politely explain it now. At the time you could have pointed to your DD’s ears or something, now it’s a bit too late.

llangennith · 03/01/2018 09:57

Agree with Brutus.
Try to convey to the mother that your DD doesn’t eat sweets or chocolate every day as they’re bad for her teeth.

steppemum · 03/01/2018 10:09

please don't refuse.

I am imagine this woman is trying to make a friend, reach out in a place where she doesn't speak the language and know the culture.

I have a lovely Ukrainian friend. When she and I first made friends she spoke very little English.
Over the years she has done many things which are very unEnglish. She also brings food ALWAYS when she comes round for a coffee. Sometimes quite a lot of food. It is cultural and I smile and we put it on the table, I eat some, she eats some. It is about showing her gratitude and being nice. I would never refuse to accept that.

If you feel you can, why not invite her to your house? My friend had never been inside and English peron's house until I invited her.
You could help her with English?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 03/01/2018 10:11

Brutus teaching children to accept ALL gifts is a dangerous path to tread.

There are and should be limits and boundaries.

A child who has been taught to accept ALL gifts would think nothing of taking things from an adult or older child who was attemptng to befriend them for less than pleasant reasons.

There are and should be limits. It's ridiculous and wrong to teach children that ALL gifts are to be accepted.

Flip

1 2