Inappropriate present giving with language barrier. Help !

[Ffs2]

Long story short my 4 year old started reception in September and quickly bonded with another little girl which is lovely, however after a couple of weeks little girls mum started bringing my DD chocolate after school almost every day. Obviously I like them to have a treat or a snack but something small usually not a 4 finger kitkat or similar. I wasn't very comfortable with this but due to the language barrier I didn't know how to deal with this ( we exchange pleasantries but other than that she has very limited English) so on the last day before Christmas break I bought her DD a selection box hoping this would be the end of it. First day back at school today 8.40 this morning mum walks straight up to my DD and hands her a present which turns out to be a pair of earrings for pierced ears ( which she doesn't have). I was gobsmacked and had not had enough coffee so simply smiled and slipped them in my pocket. How do I stop this ?! Will I be expected to buy her DD diamonds come Easter ?! I don't want to offend her she seems lovely but I need it to stop. Help !

Problem is, if you give back the earrings and point at dd's ears to show not pierced, the mum will feel rubbish and will buy a new gift that she hopes is appropriate (clip on earrings?). I'd agree she may be thrilled to have found someone friendly (look at other parents, is she friends /communicating in any way with anyone else?) and is trying to be nice. I'd take the presents whenever given and put them straight in your bag, smile and say thank you and mime whatever gestures you can towards suggesting how sweet the girls are together.

Anything else risks offending /upsetting /socially isolating the lady further.

I'd talk to your dd, and explain that the mum is being kind, but she can't eat the chocolate every day because... But it'll all go in a box and she can choose one (whenever you normally eat chocolate). I'd then eat /bin any duplicates/ones you don't like so it doesn't become a massive stockpile.

It may be it calms down by itself when the mum sees you are happy to be friends and for the girls to be friends, but that dd isn't eating the chocolate when given. If not then woohoo, free chocolate til your dd leaves school! :)

I had something like this. Every time DS went for a playdate the other parents (Chinese) would send DS back with a huge bag of chocolates or other junk food. This went on for maybe 6 m. We said thank you but never reciprocated with junk food after a playdate... finally they stopped being so generous. DS & the other lad have remained good buddies. We are generous in reciprocal gifts for birthdays, though (£20 items instead of £5-£10), and have taken each other's kids on days out, etc, when we indulge.

I even asked about it on MN, but with no solution. There was no solution but time.

Thank you everyone I think I'm going to approach a teacher and try to find out where they are from and then educate myself accordingly 😊

It’s very sweet and kind though op.

When travelling I've had many a good conversation either propped up by or almost entirely facilitated by Google translate on my phone. It seems to be most advanced with the major languages (e.g. English, Chinese) and usable with some of the less widely used ones (e.g. Khmer)

I'd start a friendly conversation via Google translate about the kids and move onto present buying matters when there's a bit of a friendship between you and she knows you're not offended / offending her.

Could you also point her towards the free ESOL classes that your local college will offer? She possibly doesn't know they exist.

Cheapsausages miming is all very well but I'm afraid in some cultures shaking your head is positive!

OP if they're from somewhere multicultural like Singapore, you will also need to know which of the various religions/ethnic backgrounds they have, because the resultant etiquette is very different. Once you find out, if stuck, let me know and I can look them up in my etiquette guide.

Thank you EUnamechange I tried to catch the teacher today but couldn't even get close I'll try again tomorrow. No chocolate today though thankfully ! It's such a crap situation she does seem lovely it just makes me uncomfortable I will get to the bottom of it though and find a way that doesn't cause any offence !

I also watched her today to see if she interacted with anyone else and she just walks about with her head down avoiding eye contact it seems.

Excessive chocolate and earrings for a 4YO aren't appropriate in any culture, surely?

I agree with the PP who suggested a polite thank you card, also saying no more thanks.

She can have it translated or use google translate.

I like CheapSausagesAndSpam's response.

Eunamechange I think if they are living in the UK (are they living in the UK OP?) or "head shaking = no" country, they would have learned fairly quickly what shaking your head means.

I lived in Sri Lanka for a while, where the shaking head thing (more of a head wobble) meant "yes", but everyone also knew that it meant "no" in some cultures. Movies showed them that!

Ah, gifts.....
I was once interviewing (I'm a writer) a lady from Africa and I said that I thought her necklace was beautiful. Which it was. A lovely map of africa with different shades of wood. I was just making conversation. But she smiled and thanked me - then took it off and gave it to me. I was shocked and tried to refuse it but she was insistent. Apparently this is a custom. The only piece of jewellery I was wearing was a lovely leather bracelet that I loved - but felt obliged to give to her in return. It taught me a lesson! As for your lady, why not have a word with the teacher? She might know the woman and be able to suggest an alternative. PS. I still have the necklace and wear it occasionally.

She's just trying to be friendly and probably delighted her dd has made a friend. I'd just say thank you and like a pp said put the chocolate in the biscuit tin if you don't want her to have it then. If you collect lots you can give it out to Trick or Treaters on Halloween! Maybe get your dd to draw her a picture like a pp said or make a friendship bracelet to encourage swapping other things but just occasionally?

Critical don't try that in Korea either. Same custom.

@eunamechange : could you pm me the name of the book you use? I work with other cultures and am preparing a training on it at the moment and always looking for other insights.

@Hortonlovesahoo I've a problem PMing at the moment, but hopefully the @ reaches you:

www.amazon.co.uk/Kiss-Bow-Shake-Hands-2nd/dp/1593373686?tag=mumsnetforum-21

It's from an American pov, so you need to take that into account given the differences between US culture and UK. I've also found that in some cases it's accurate for older generations in, say, East Asia, but less so for the younger more westernised generation.

There are some similar and also useful resources on Amazon too if you look for the 'recommended' links. I use a mixture but Kiss, Bow is my first resource.

@Hortonlovesahoo I've a problem PMing at the moment, but hopefully the @ reaches you:

www.amazon.co.uk/Kiss-Bow-Shake-Hands-2nd/dp/1593373686?tag=mumsnetforum-21

It's from an American pov, so you need to take that into account given the differences between US culture and UK. I've also found that in some cases it's accurate for older generations in, say, East Asia, but less so for the younger more westernised generation.

There are some similar and also useful resources on Amazon too if you look for the 'recommended' links. I use a mixture but Kiss, Bow is my first resource.

@Hortonlovesahoo I've a problem PMing at the moment, but hopefully the @ reaches you:

www.amazon.co.uk/Kiss-Bow-Shake-Hands-2nd/dp/1593373686?tag=mumsnetforum-21

It's from an American pov, so you need to take that into account given the differences between US culture and UK. I've also found that in some cases it's accurate for older generations in, say, East Asia, but less so for the younger more westernised generation.

There are some similar and also useful resources on Amazon too if you look for the 'recommended' links. I use a mixture but Kiss, Bow is my first resource.

@Hortonlovesahoo I've a problem PMing at the moment, but hopefully the @ reaches you:

www.amazon.co.uk/Kiss-Bow-Shake-Hands-2nd/dp/1593373686?tag=mumsnetforum-21

It's from an American pov, so you need to take that into account given the differences between US culture and UK. I've also found that in some cases it's accurate for older generations in, say, East Asia, but less so for the younger more westernised generation.

There are some similar and also useful resources on Amazon too if you look for the 'recommended' links. I use a mixture but Kiss, Bow is my first resource.

Whoops, sorry! Seem to be having MN issues.

Thanks @eunamechange!

Oh don't make her feel awful! She's probably lonely and trying to be kind. Just don't return the gifts if you don't want to. Giving bars of chocolate is hardly a huge deal.