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AIBU?

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Original poster

Affair

37 replies

Jammydodger23 · 02/01/2018 17:50

I have found out my wife is having an affair with a married work colleague, I have found naked photos of them on my iPad, should I tell his wife.

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 02/01/2018 17:51

I would forward the photos tbh.
Then pack her stuff.

Atalune · 02/01/2018 17:52

Keep your powder dry and deal with your end only.

How hideous for you. Flowers

Petalflowers · 02/01/2018 17:54

I agree with Atalune. Concentrate on you and your wife. I don’t think it’s up,to,you to tell her.

PerfectlyDone · 02/01/2018 17:56

Speak to your wife.

Original poster
Jammydodger23 · 02/01/2018 17:56

The thing that really concerned me was the kids use the iPad in question, hopefully they have not seen the pics

OP posts:
Elsiejane · 02/01/2018 17:57

If my OH was having an affair, i would want to know. Id say probably tell her

Mousewatch · 02/01/2018 17:57

Yes tell his wife, don't forward the pictures though as you'd get into trouble. All that revenge porn stuff or whatever it's called.

Elsiejane · 02/01/2018 17:58

I completely irresponsible, thoughtless and horrible of your wife. Especially as the kids could have seen those photos!!!
So sorry OP Flowers

PerfectlyDone · 02/01/2018 17:59

If you know how the pictures ended up on the kids' iPad, lock that facility down (whether it's email/texts or whatever.

What are you planning to do wrt your wife?

BrokenBattleDroid · 02/01/2018 18:01

How old are the kids? An age where they might keep quiet if they saw them?

Pretty grim though. Talking to wife as a PP suggested isn't a bad idea as such, but make sure you have stashed evidence and made a plan FIRST or you may find it just being denied.

I'd struggle not to tell the other woman but can see why others say not to. I'd want to k of if I was her.

Original poster
Jammydodger23 · 02/01/2018 18:01

I don't know what I'm planning on doing about my wife, I don't want to get into a bitter divorce

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 02/01/2018 18:07

Hmm, well if you think you could manage an amicable divorce (hard as the cheated on partner but good for the kids if you can genuinely manage it) then the photos going to the other woman is perhaps best avoided.

Sorry you've had to find out by coming across photos though, that's truly horrible.

PerfectlyDone · 02/01/2018 18:09

I have been in your shoes - it is horrible and I am sorry you will have to deal with this.
I for one could not ignore what you now know.

From finding pictures to divorce is a long way, but you do need to speak to your wife whatever the longterm outcome is going to be.

Lemontart25 · 02/01/2018 18:19

That is such an awful discovery for you Jammy, I really do feel for you.

Please take some time to think things through. It is possible the photos are from your wife's phone that is 'linked' to the iPad via iCloud syncing. So very possible she forgot they were connected in that way & will not have a clue they are there. (But thankfully, although distressing for you this is a blessing in disguise).

Good luck with whatever you decide Flowers

Pengggwn · 02/01/2018 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namechangetempissue · 02/01/2018 18:24

I'm really sorry Jammy, what an awful discovery.
I wouldn't go dashing straight into contacting the wife -concentrate on you first. Make sure you have copies of the pictures and any messages before she can delete and deny. Then speak to her and have a long think about what you want for the future and if either of you want to try to make it work. It really is a horrible shock, look after yourself Flowers

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/01/2018 18:25

I would tell the other mans wife. If it was me I’d want to know. Do you know her at all?

justified · 02/01/2018 18:27

make copies of the photographs.
tell the mans wife, I would want to know.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 02/01/2018 18:30

I've been in your position OP, and it's shit. I know it's easier said than done, but please try to keep your cool. Think carefully about how you want to move forward. Finding out the way you did is awful, but you've got the advantage at the moment as your (D)W isn't aware that you know about her affair, which gives you time to formulate your response and decide what you want to do.

I could never forgive my ex's betrayal and I left. Do what's best for yourself and for your children.

Good luck.

agentdaisy · 02/01/2018 18:45

Normally I'd say keep it to yourself as you could be wrong, but you have irrefutable proof of the affair so I'd tell his wife. I'd want to know if dh was having an affair in these circumstances.

That said I'd not do it straight away. I'd get copies of the pictures and any messages now so that they can't be deleted and store them somewhere your wife can't access.

I'd also get copies of all bank statements and financial statements of any investments/savings/pensions etc and store them where she can't access them too. When this is done then I'd contact the man's wife to give her a chance to get the same financial info together, once you confront your wife it's likely he'll assume that his wife knows.

Tell her you have found the pics but don't send them as it could be construed as revenge porn as pp have said.

You need to cover your bases and get your ducks in a row before you let on to your wife that you know what's she's done.

Once that's done you need to decide what you want to do. Do you want to try and rebuild the marriage or do you want to split?

PerfectlyDone · 02/01/2018 18:45

Fwiw, when I found rather explicit evidence of my H's cheating, I was mainly concerned with how to deal with my situation. The OW did not and does not interest me very much.
I appreciate everybody's response may be different but diverting your energy in to the OM's wife likely simply detracts from your own personal disaster.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2018 19:03

Tell his wife. Tell her you have proof by way off pics...but cannot forward them...due to the law.

Everyone deserves to know they're being cheated on. They can decide what to do once they have the info.

Ignore people telling you stuff like 'you're bitter 'it's for revenge' 'mind your own business' ' you want to inflict pain on her and ruin a family'

Many people who say such have had affairs and been the mistress themselves.

loveka · 02/01/2018 20:10

If you tell the other mans wife then it all gets more complicated.

It sounds like you don't even know what you want to do about your marriage. I think you should talk to your wife before you do anything.

You are probably in shock at the moment. Don't do anything hasty, or try to get revenge before really thinking things through, which you just can't at the moment.

rainbowduck · 02/01/2018 20:10

I'd let him know. I'd tell him
About the proof. And then I would crack on with my life.

Good luck, OP.

ilovesooty · 02/01/2018 20:33

Hadn't you already begun divorce proceedings before Christmas?

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