To think if you say only gifting "small gifts" then you can't complain if that's what you get...

[jacks11]

DB and SIL are not my favourite people, so I am less tolerant of them than I may be of others, but the last few years they really have stretched my tolerance to it's limit.

They are short on money, had another baby last year and SIL is not working. They asked if we good do small gifts only. DM and DF wanted to do proper presents for the DGC- which was agreed. DB/SIL and we agreed to small gifts for adults and children.

DB/SIL got a bottle of wine and chocolates, their DC were given gifts to value of approx £20 each. Everyone seemed happy on boxing day when they came out to us (DM/DF stay in "granny/grandpa cottage").

Phoned DB about something else, he starts going on about how hard done by he is. Last year, as a christmas gift, we bought DN a decent winter coat (and a small toy, as coats aren't exactly exciting gift's for a little boy) as money was very tight for DB/SIL. It was a useful gift and I thought no more of it. DM/DF bought their winter boots. Apparently, they had been expecting something similar this year for all their DC as DB had told me money was tight and I was happy to do it last year.

Also SIL is upset that she wasn't catered for when she visited on boxing day. And is upset as I hadn't "followed her wishes" with regards to feeding their DC. Initially, she wasn't going to be coming as she was going to have a restful day at home. Which was fine but when she changed her mind (on the day), that was also fine. I collected them all by the way, hosted them overnight and took them home the next day.

SIL is picky eater, not vegetarian/vegan/coeliac or dairy free etc, to be clear. We had baked ham/cold turkey with salad leaves, bread, coleslaw and a beetroot/carrot salad for lunch. Or cheese and biscuits. For dinner we had soup and sandwich/toasty and kids had home made fish fingers and chips. Breakfast next morning was ceral/toast/croissants. Lunch soup/sandwich and dinner was pasta.

Apparantly, she doesn't like "fancy food". I didn't think it was, but even if it wasn't to her taste, given I was expecting her, I don't think I can be expected to manage her preferences?

Her issue with the children is that she doesn't like cooking/isn't very good and when her DC ask for "x like Aunty Jacks does" she finds it annoying. However, I like cooking and my DC like helping. I am not going out to buy bought pasta sauce/use tinned soup etc when I am making the same food for everyone. Nor am I going to buy ready made fish fingers for one meal when my DC probably won't enjoy them much and they'll just languish in the freezer.

I feel like I've stepped into a parallel universe. A small gift does not mean an expensive winter coat?

Almost

I told him to stop being such a prat. We agreed small gifts, small gifts is what you got. If you needed specific help, then you have to ask for it. But they did go stay in a hotel in a nearish city (hour and a bit on the train) before christmas, so they could do their christmas shopping.... I had assumed that money was tight, but perhaps not as tight as it was last year.

I also said that if SIL doesn't like visiting, whilst she is always welcome, she doesn't have to come.

Ellen

Oh, they have got a winter coats. Perfectly serviceable ones though not expensive ones (last year they asked for Jack Wolfskin and that's what they got). Apparently the coats they have are not as warm as the one they got last year....

😂😂 then tell him to prioritise their spending so they can bloody afford the expensive ones they want the cheeky fuckers! Bloody outrageous. I could do with a new coat, mine is several years old and the —bastard— ex isn’t paying maintenance so we’re struggling when we should be managing fine. Am I demanding people spend their hard earned cash on an expensive coat for me? Nope, I’m whacking another layer on and being thankful we have food in the fridge and the kids have plenty of warm clothing.
People like this don’t get it. They act this way and what, you’re gonna go oh right yeah, I’m an arsehole for not spending my money on their responsibility(?!) Uh no, you’ll end up buying just for the kids and limiting your exposure to the arseholes

DontOpen, I'm surprised they didn't take the Ferrero with them!

Can i come next year op?. Kids and i will bring presents wine whatever you want and wash up for you.

I would love to have a day or two with someone else hosting (although i would offer to help i cant sit by and watch someone else working away!)

My kids have coats no worries there😉

I just dont understand some peoples sense of entitlement and bare faced greed.
Op stop doing anything for them then they will realise just how much you have helped them and how they threw it away.

Scarey

Yep, the very same. I only hosted them for my parent's sake. I'd rather I had some irritation than mum run herself ragged. They get worse and worse. I genuinely don't know what goes through their heads at times. They do see themselves as hard done by and cannot see past that, I think.

Also, cannot understand how soup can be posh. It's vegetables and stock FGS- hardly caviar and champagne!!

I sm still stuck on the granny and grandad cottage.

i think they are envious of you. i know I am. I'd love a cottage for the relatives to stay ininsulates garden shed and sticks a hanging basket on it

I’d love to have a SIL like you, my SIL would probably have me sit in her home, not offer me anything then still send me a bill . Thankfully she lives half way across the world.

pancake
They live their permanently. DF not in good health, you see.

It's probably jealousy. Do they see you as your parents' favourite child?

Oh I don't know. I prefer to give as I can, and do as I'm able, rather than matching the giving or doing of other people. That means that I give more expensive gifts to some of my family than they do me, I give gifts to some of the family and receive none, and my children receive more expensive gifts than I give to that relative's children, despite having agreed a figure in advance 🤔. I cater the Christmas dinner, because I can, but I don't cook it, or host it, because my father enjoys to do that.

I suppose I see it as not extending a difficult relationship between adults to the children. If you could and would give the children a better gift, if you got on with their parents better, then it's a bit of a shame that you've chosen not to because they have to misfortune of having self-centred parents. It's like double-dipping in the sad stakes ☺️

They feel hard done by. Ignore and keep doing what you know is right.

Is it adults wanting new winter coats every year? Is that a thing ?

They sound deranged and entitled, your SIL sounds narcasistic. How can anyone be offended by any of that?!

Pancake no, it's the children they wanted the coats for.

Lougle I would happily have spent more but it was their suggestion for small gifts as money was tight for them. I couldn't care less how much they spent on me or the DC- if they hadn't brought it up, I would have bought gifts as per usual. I would probably not have got winter coats unless specifically suggested that is what they needed. However, as they asked to do small gifts only, that's what I did. I assumed it was what they wanted.

They sound awful. I'd say drop contact altogether if it weren't that the kids would lose out.

If someone suggests 'small gifts' I would assume they mean both parties exchanging small token in order for one party not to feel embarrassed/awkward.

It sounds as if they will always find something to moan about. Some people just love moaning. Next year make her a recipe book for Christmas. Write down all the ones her children liked.

Pancake Garden Shed!