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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice on niece

41 replies

lilyleelee · 02/01/2018 17:32

This Christmas my brother, sister-in-law, niece, mum and dad came to ours for Boxing Day. The plan was to all go for a walk, then I would cook lunch, then we'd play games, etc. When my brother and sister-in-law arrived, my sister-in-law said that the niece was tired, and would I mind if she stayed at home to rest rather than coming out for a walk. I figured that if they were happy with her being home alone (she's 11), I was too.
At the end of the day, after they had left, I found my niece's slippers next to my bed and the duvet ruffled. This means she had most likely gone into my and my husband's bedroom for a nap. The books on my bedside table were also rearranged and the drawer to my husband's bedside table was ajar (we don't have kinds at home so we don't necessarily hide away condoms etc.).
She hadn't done any damage, but I was a bit annoyed because a) she had gone into a private space (the door was shut) and looked through our stuff b) she hadn't asked - if I'd known, I'd have told her to go into the guest room.
Should I just let it be, or should I mention it to my brother and sister-in-law, or to my niece herself?

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 02/01/2018 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lilyleelee · 02/01/2018 17:36

Pengggwn: The mum did ask 'Do you mind ...?' and I probably should have said 'Yes', but was being polite.

OP posts:

DearMrDilkington · 02/01/2018 17:41

I'd expect an 11yo to know not to snoop through someone's house. It's a bit strange she needed a nap in your bed, has she been ill?

Elsiejane · 02/01/2018 17:42

Maybe next time if she asks then say 'yes she can lay on the sofa, I'll grab a nice blanket and pillow'? If you dont feel comfortable enough to say no.
I wouldnt probably bring it up with them myself if this is likely to only happen once but if she comes over a lot and you are closer then maybe i would

classicchristmas · 02/01/2018 17:44

I wouldn't mind her going for a nap but I would mind her looking through my stuff

Original poster

lilyleelee · 02/01/2018 17:45

No, she hadn't been ill. She was probably up until 11p.m. on Christmas Day, so I can understand the tiredness. Although they didn't arrive at ours until midday (an hour late!).

Actually this is the second time is has happened and it does make me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:

DearMrDilkington · 02/01/2018 17:46

I'd say something to your brother then if it's not the first time.

StealthNinjaMum · 02/01/2018 17:49

I would say something to the mum or your brother, it is a violation of your privacy and she needs to respect other people's space.

Also you could have anything in your bedside drawers, condoms, sex toys, porn. If your sil / brother don't take you seriously when it comes to you losing privacy then point out who knows what she might find if she thinks it's ok to do this in other people's houses? Or lie and say your rabbit's batteries were dead, did she think it was a toy?

Pengggwn · 02/01/2018 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PamelaBirthdaycake · 02/01/2018 17:51

She's obviously a snooper, perhaps that's why she wanted to stay behind.

Elsiejane · 02/01/2018 17:52

If this is the second time i would definitely say something. As others have said, point out that she could have found something inappropriate?

Original poster

lilyleelee · 02/01/2018 17:52

I'm sure she must have seen some things not suitable for an 11 year-old's eyes, to be honest. Oops.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 02/01/2018 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lilyleelee · 02/01/2018 17:54

PamelaBirthdaycake: My mum is the biggest snooper ever. Maybe she takes after her grandmother!

OP posts:

Eltonjohnssyrup · 02/01/2018 17:56

I would probably be charitable and assume some sort of mishap rather than snooping. E.g. She went to sleep in the first bed she found, knocked your books over and tried to see if she could shove them in the drawer.

TheQueenOfWands · 02/01/2018 17:56

Anything missing?

Are you the type of people to have loose fivers lying around or similar?

SingingSeuss · 02/01/2018 17:57

Talk to your brother. Explain that she has clearly been through your stuff and seen unsuitable things and that they may want to have a word because 1) You are annoyed and 2) She saw some things 11 year olds probably shouldn't. Next time insist she says where you can see her as she clearly can't be trusted.

StealthNinjaMum · 02/01/2018 17:59

Oops that's embarrassing. I would tell her parents in case she starts asking difficult questions.

Tinselistacky · 02/01/2018 18:00

Def tell your db. Sure he will want to hear it from you than a school friend's dm if she goes snooping at someone else's house!!

Pearlsaringer · 02/01/2018 18:03

If this has happened twice it will happen again. Since this is family you should feel ok about being open with them.

Next time they are due to come round, suggest you say beforehand “We don’t particularly want to leave anyone in the house if we go out, so do you want to check first if DN will be happy to come?” If your SIL queries this, you are quite entitled to say you value your privacy and DN has been using items and spaces you would prefer she didn’t.

If she asks again on subsequent visits, flatly refuse and refer her to your earlier conversation.

Vitalogy · 02/01/2018 18:05

I wouldn't mention it. She might be used to getting in her mum and dad's bed for a snooze sometimes. But next time if in this situation again, I'd say to her, if she feels like a nap she is more than welcome to use the guest bedroom.

Original poster

lilyleelee · 02/01/2018 18:06

No, nothing missing I don't think.
I hadn't thought about her asking the parents difficult questions. I hope the poor girl is not traumatised (by the way, I am no pervert, but I wouldn't have understood the contents of my husband's bed-side drawer at age 11!)

OP posts:

Original poster

lilyleelee · 02/01/2018 18:08

Pearlsaringer: I would love to be this direct with my SIL, but she has quite a short fuse and is quick to bear a grudge. This may be why I agree to something I felt uncomfortable with in the first place ... Time for me to man up ...

OP posts:

Pearlsaringer · 02/01/2018 18:14

And I’m probably braver on a keyboard than in rl but however gently you do it, it needs to be said. Maybe your brother is the better option. I wouldn’t have suggested tackling it if you hadn’t said this was the second time, which makes me think it could become habitual when they visit for her to want to stay behind.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2018 18:16

I'd tell your brother or sister in law.

I don't think it is especially odd to do that but clearly it's not a good thing to do and best for her to know it is not expected.

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