To ask for your advice on gift

[stevie69]

Hi all,

This isn't really an AIBU but I'd actually hate to inadvertently BU so I'm seeking for a bit of guidance.

I've been invited on an amazing trip by a friend and former colleague. She, her husband, DS (12) and DD (5) are going to Zambia for a week to stay with his family and then onto Zimbabwe to see her family. They have asked me to go along with them which is just ......breathtaking. OMG. My friend, who always refers to me as her mentor (I did encourage her to study to be an accountant and help find her a great career opportunity but ......... she's so driven that this took next to no effort on my part, if truth be known), is exceptionally keen to take me to see her mother as they have never had a western visitor in the village.

I don't know much about the trip at this stage but my flights are booked (I fly out with them at the end of March and return alone a couple of weeks later to leave them to have the final few days as a family). I understand that we'll be staying in the family homes for the most part, although we may get a hotel at the Victoria Falls.

Now, rather than take gifts for the family which, although nice, may not be much practical use out there, I would like to to make a monetary contribution to the families. But .... how much? I know that's like asking: 'How long is a piece of string?' but any advice would be really gratefully received.

I know that my friend's mum is relatively poor and lives on a smallholding/farm in rural Zimbabwe. I'm assuming (unconfirmed though) that her husband's family in Zambia are probably better off as he studied over here in the UK (which is where they met).

Just trying to get a cross section of opinion on the appropriate etiquette. I'd like to get things as right as possible, neither too little nor too much.

Thanks everyone. I have loads of worries (as well as massive excitement) about the trip: spiders, snakes, bad tummy, toilet facilities et al. Getting the gifting side sorted would be one thing off my mind.

Big thanks

Tis what they need, though. Lush soaps are not much use when you haven't got the money to feed your workers

That should be a fantastic experience!

If he has studied in the UK, his family must be VERY well off. At today's rates, fees are around £20K pa and then there are living costs on top, so they would have spent at least £100K on his degree.

Why not talk to your friend and ask questions about the sort of wages her mum would get in that area, to give yourself of the worth of your gift in real terms?

Still rude, sorry!

Not half as rude as you, though .......

This might interest you.

I would bring both - a cash gift, if your friend think appropriate as well as a few small gifts.

@MyBrilliantDisguise

Many thanks. Yes, it may be best if I approach her. I'm just trying to do the right thing here.

A colleague who visits Kashmir has suggested that I'm on the right lines. He says that gifts are really not much use in very poor communities. So certainly a cash gift would be appreciated for her family

Agree, unless you've been invited as some sort of cash cow, cash will look awful.

If your friend has married into money and has a good professional job in UK, isn't it more "correct" that her and her husband would support her family, if it's necessary?

Why not just ask your friends what the usual etiquette there is? What's polite in the UK might be totally off target there so you need to get it form the horses' mouths.

How lovely all round.

I've no idea how much but I like dillys idea - take a few small British gifts as well, I think they would be exciting, as well as a cash gift. Are there children you will be staying with?

For the amount to give I think I'd speak to my friend for guidance.

I live in sub-Saharan Africa and would say cash is very appropriate. Families are expected to return to their villages with cash. Of course check on the exact local customs, but I think cash would be hugely appreciated....alongside a small token gift from where you're from

I have family in Zambia and Zimbabwe - it’s rude to give money to your hosts (and friends) without them asking, and most would not take it even if they needed it. The most welcome gift is your time, British chocolates (tins of quality street / roses / cadburys distributed to kids) etc.

Check with your friend but depending the background cash or clothing (New or second hand.... but modest in style for men and women) would be appreciated.... certainly I would bring some which can be given in private..... it doesn't necessarily need to fit as it would easily be sold on....
If you wanted to bring something nice for the mother of the house then something like a hand cream would also be appreciated.

I think you need to speak with your friend about the correct etiquette. Personally I think cash could come across as patronising but I'm not from Zimbabwe and I've never been. What about a gift that can be used as cash if they want. Like gold jewellery?

I'm not being remotely rude. You asked about etiquette- I told you what I think.

Thank you. I have taken your thoughts on board. Perhaps you could take lessons from some of the other posters in the social graces? I find you a tad blunt, which in itself isn't a bad thing but ........there's an art to it

You may just be prickly.

Very definitely. So don't stick your finger in me

Look, thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it; really I was after a cross section of opinion and am reading and digesting everything.

Educational supplies is a really good idea as PP said. That id something we've done when we have visited my parent's birth country.

Maybe clothes ? Items such as suitable footwear and clothes were always really appreciated as were little luxuries like jewellery and soap sets and cream.

I don't actually disagree with the monetary gift, but it does depend entirely on her family. Your best bet is to ask your friend and ask her to be honest and not polite and just tell you the truth. That way you know if you will offend them.

Money was always accepted at my parent's birth place for the reasons you have stated OP.

And a goat is an amazing idea!

Or OP, my brothers would usually gather villagers and feed them. The ££s went a long way over there, and everyone helped to cook. Maybe give them or ask your friend to help you buy the meat / veg and help to cook and feed village? (Don't know why I assume you're going to a village)

Hope it goes well. It sounds fantastic! And you're doing a very thoughtful thing

We visited a family of a child we had hosted from the Chernobyl region, they had arranged our accommodation for us and arranged an itinerary for us during our stay there. We took some small personal gifts with us but also gave them cash to help as they were incredibly poor, this was received very warmly as it made a huge difference to their quality of life over the coming months.

I recently took 2 leather footballs (deflated!) and football pump when visiting a rural village in Malawi. I gave cash as well to my hosts, offered as payment for their generous hospitality (and it was gratefully accepted) but the footballs were a huge hit. Plus some pens and writing/ colouring materials . Ask your friend for guidance.