To ask for your advice on gift

[stevie69]

Hi all,

This isn't really an AIBU but I'd actually hate to inadvertently BU so I'm seeking for a bit of guidance.

I've been invited on an amazing trip by a friend and former colleague. She, her husband, DS (12) and DD (5) are going to Zambia for a week to stay with his family and then onto Zimbabwe to see her family. They have asked me to go along with them which is just ......breathtaking. OMG. My friend, who always refers to me as her mentor (I did encourage her to study to be an accountant and help find her a great career opportunity but ......... she's so driven that this took next to no effort on my part, if truth be known), is exceptionally keen to take me to see her mother as they have never had a western visitor in the village.

I don't know much about the trip at this stage but my flights are booked (I fly out with them at the end of March and return alone a couple of weeks later to leave them to have the final few days as a family). I understand that we'll be staying in the family homes for the most part, although we may get a hotel at the Victoria Falls.

Now, rather than take gifts for the family which, although nice, may not be much practical use out there, I would like to to make a monetary contribution to the families. But .... how much? I know that's like asking: 'How long is a piece of string?' but any advice would be really gratefully received.

I know that my friend's mum is relatively poor and lives on a smallholding/farm in rural Zimbabwe. I'm assuming (unconfirmed though) that her husband's family in Zambia are probably better off as he studied over here in the UK (which is where they met).

Just trying to get a cross section of opinion on the appropriate etiquette. I'd like to get things as right as possible, neither too little nor too much.

Thanks everyone. I have loads of worries (as well as massive excitement) about the trip: spiders, snakes, bad tummy, toilet facilities et al. Getting the gifting side sorted would be one thing off my mind.

Big thanks

Jesus, I didn't - I just told you what I think.

Jesus, I KNOW you didn't. It was a lighthearted admission that I'm probably prickly

Bloody hell, .... I thought I was hard work

You two need to just stop replying to each other.

@Pengggwn

Please leave it there. Thanks. This isn't about you. Or me.

There might be a local charity you could donate to? We visited some friends’ family in Cameroon a few years ago and now donate regularly to a health focused charity in their village that we visited - that way it’s not a (potentially) alienating gift to a relatively well-off member of the community, but it does show commitment and support.

Who is paying for your flights - you or your friend?

We're all big girls here.

I'm exceptionally petite. If you really must know .....

A lovely friend in her 80s regularly visits Gambia taking footballs and small toys like pocket kites and fabric frisbees with her. She also arranged a huge collection of sanitary products in her own village which she has had shipped to the village in Gambia for the ladies & girls.

Who is paying for your flights - you or your friend?

Oh, I am

There might be a local charity you could donate to

I think the OP doesn't want to turn up empty handed to the family he's staying with. It's not about charity just a gift for politeness

Ah, ok. If your friend was paying I'd imagine that a gift of money to her family would not be appreciated.

Ask her.

(But please, please remember that not everyone in sub-Saharan Africa is destitute and waiting for a handout, even if the person in question is poor by your standards. Just as not all African students in England are the children of billionaire despots ...)

I would speak to your friend.

If her families is very poor then a cash gift or useful items may well be very appreciated but I would check with her first. And I would definitely check with regards to her husbands family - you don’t want to turn up armed with £50 and some notebooks/ footballs if the family are very wealthy. Plenty of African families with big cars, iPhones, designer sunglasses etc and in that case lush soaps or British chocolates may be exactly the thing.

Thanks very much for all your replies, which are very much appreciated. I think that the best thing to do is to consult my friend over the best way to go. I'm not concerned about asking as the diversity of opinion that you've all offered proves that there's no one right answer.

Thanks again

I think Sarahjconnors idea is a good one, such as financing some sort of celebration or meal. Cash is often best given towards a very specific purpose, or in the guise of achieving that purpose (as Sarah suggested, school books or shoes etc) so perhaps you could ask your friend to guide you in where best to direct your donation?

Rather than giving money what about buying food. I would go to my ex mother in law's in Kenya with bags of rice and sugar from the local supermarket. That made her very happy.