Would you relay something mean said about them?

[DidIDoTheWrongThing]

AIBU to think that if you hear something unkind said about your DW, you:

A) stick up for DW
B) don’t tell DW unkind thing that was said about them

My brother and I can’t agree on this.

For context, apparently a family member said to DB about SIL “WTF was she wearing at Xmas dinner? She looked like mutton dressed as lamb”.

DB didn’t say anything to family member but quietly seethed and later relayed the conversation to his DW who was naturally upset and is now refusing to come to any further family gatherings until family member apologises.

I think DB needs to shoulder some responsibility here.

Firstly he should have immediately called family member up on spiteful remark, dealt with it there and then, make her apologies and never speak of it again. Not go bleating back to SIL causing needless hurt and headaches for family gatherings.

Who is BU?

I think the same as you.

I can’t imagine anyone saying something like that about someone’s partner.

I wouldn’t tell my husband that someone said something like that. Why would you, unless you were trying to generate bad feeling between the two parties involved?

I think your right. He should have dealt with it there and then, no need to upset sil

I am old enough to have learned the hard way that telling someone what was said about them is never a good idea. I agree with calling out the person who made the remark, at the time.

He should have verbally roasted whoever said it. Then never spoke of it again.

I've had it in a roundabout manner where someone has been unkind and it'd been fed back to me. Hurt and I'd rather stayed in blissful ignorance.

It would depend on the situation. If the person who'd been insulted thought the other person was really lovely, often spent time with them, did them favours etc. I'd find it difficult to sit back and let them do this knowing that the other person was sneering at them behind their back.

If it was someone they rarely saw and/or didn't hold in any special esteem, I wouldn't say anything.

In either case, I would call the other person out at the time.

I might tell them (I've been glad when I've been told), but I'd defend them first.

Certainly would not sit and listen to a relative bad mouth my partner then go and tell them about how I said nothing in their defence!

I wouldn't be too hard on your brother. He was probably in shock. He came clean to his dw out of guilt I would imagine.

Agree that the unreasonable one is the twat who made the comment.

Twat should apologise. Brother should tell himself that in future he will not tolerate any comments denigrating his dw.

My guess is DB agrees with the view of his relative and told his DW in the hope that she'd change the way she dresses. Otherwise, I agree there was no point in telling her.

I wouldn't, but the fault lies with the person making twatty comments, not the person telling the truth.

Well, obviously! But I’m talking about how you deal with twattish remarks once they’ve been made.

This particular family member has form for making insensitive and unkind observations. But they are lonely and their whole life revolves around family gatherings so it’s not like we can ban them. Personally I think that if it were made crystal clear that they needed to mind their manners otherwise they would not be included, it would be a good deterrent. But maybe I’m being overly harsh. I don’t know.

Your brother is spineless and thoughtless and that’s me being kind. There’s no point in demanding an apology because if you have to tell someone to apologise it loses its sincerity but I would have a few choice words.

Why did he tell her that? Does he think she does dress badly and was delighted someone backed up his own opinion?
Does he put her down a lot?
Or was he thoughtless?

Your DB is well out of order, and I would question his motive in relaying this unkind and pointless information tbh.

I am inclined to think that Pancake has it.

I’d not tell my partner but instead start to sow seeds of doubt about the unpleasant nature of the insulter so that my partner didn’t make a fool of themselves with undeserved kindness or friendship shown

Why did he tell her that? Does he think she does dress badly and was delighted someone backed up his own opinion?
Does he put her down a lot?
Or was he thoughtless?

Good question. To be honest, knowing my DB, I would guess that he was upset and needed to vent and was thoughtless about how SIL might be affected.

He can be amazingly self centred like that at times. I think DPs spoilt him a bit and he can be an enormous man child at times. That said, he can also be very sweet and is exceptionally charming when he wants to be. I adore my DB but he really does need to grow up.

I think you are totally right, the only thing he achieved was making his wife feel angry and insulted

I don't think there is much point in arguing about this with your brother. It deflects from the point that the rude family member is 100 % the one at fault here.

Some spouses would be upset if they were not told, others would rather not know. Some people can quickly respond to rudeness, others are taken aback and only come up with a good reply hours later! There is not only one right answer/way to have dealt with it.

However the rude person was definitely rude and definitely in the wrong. The focus should be on them, and them apologising.

Blimey poor SIL! What was BIL thinking?! I know for sure DH would have ripped into anyone saying stuff like that about me as I would him.

In that situation my DH would have defended me and then come and told me what had happened.

Family member would have been told to behave the very first time they started being rude.

This was your family christmas function right? Drinks might have been flowing. Someone probably made a tipsy comment and your DB should have raised it there or let it go as drunk banter; not aggravate things further. By telling his wife, your DB has proven himself not to be trusted. I would be wary of inviting either of them to future gatherings.

It's no wonder that family member is lonely.

I will partially go against the grain here. Yes he should have said something at the time. But where I disagree is I'd want to know what was said if I was the sil I wouldn't wish my husband to hide it from me and would be annoyed if he did. I'm not a child and can take it.

However I'd also think does he agree with the person and that's why he said nothing and told her?

What good would knowing you look like mutton do you Bluntness, especially if your H hadn't called out the person saying it?