Would you relay something mean said about them?

[DidIDoTheWrongThing]

AIBU to think that if you hear something unkind said about your DW, you:

A) stick up for DW
B) don’t tell DW unkind thing that was said about them

My brother and I can’t agree on this.

For context, apparently a family member said to DB about SIL “WTF was she wearing at Xmas dinner? She looked like mutton dressed as lamb”.

DB didn’t say anything to family member but quietly seethed and later relayed the conversation to his DW who was naturally upset and is now refusing to come to any further family gatherings until family member apologises.

I think DB needs to shoulder some responsibility here.

Firstly he should have immediately called family member up on spiteful remark, dealt with it there and then, make her apologies and never speak of it again. Not go bleating back to SIL causing needless hurt and headaches for family gatherings.

Who is BU?

What Bluntness said.

I've been in your DB's position; a relative of mine said something very nasty - and untrue - about my DH.

The difference being that I pulled them up on it straight away. In fact I actually left the gathering where we were and made it abundantly clear that their behaviour was the reason why I was leaving. I told DH what had happened when I got home, for two reasons. Firstly he had a right to know what was being said about him behind his back. Secondly he was a bit confused why I turned up in the early hours having driven through the night to get home (gathering had been a considerable distance away). The relative and I did not speak for a number of months until they eventually apologised.

DH knew I had his back - as he would do for me. What exactly is your DB doing to stand up for his wife?

But what good would it do to know that someone thought you looked awful?

How would that help? All it would do is make you look at yourself with doubt. Maybe the SIL likes the way she's dressed!

I've had similar. One was my sister asking my then boyfriend if he agreed that I looked "fat and hideous" in what I was wearing. He told me. I ignored it because she's not worth my time.

The other was my mother crowing proudly to DH about something wonderful that my sister had done. DH's response was "Actually, Flo did that. You really need to stop underestimating her."

I can think of loads more shoddy behaviour from my birth family but I have a therapist for that. The point (that I'm going to eventually get to) is that DH would always tell me but he'd deal with it first.

I'm with you OP

His poor wife, how awful must she feel, she makes an effort for Christmas Day and is subject to this nasty, unnecessary comment, the spirit of Christmas is truly absent there. She also knows her Husband didn't call the relative out on this, which will rub salt in the wound. The only thing I can think of is that he was too shocked for words.I bet she feels like shit about herself and I don't blame her for wanting to distance herself,but she can't let this idiot put her down, she needs to dress up to the nine balls and face this relative and if she feels upto it speak to them about their opinion on her appearance.

I agree. I think I would want to know though so I could plot my revenge unless it was someone I’d never speak to again, but he 100% should have said something at the time.

People aren’t stupid, she knew exactly who she was talking to and him not saying anything makes him look disloyal to SIL.

I would expect my dp to stand up for me at the time 100% and also state an apology is owed.
I would hope he then comes home and says " just so you know person x made a rude comment about you but it has been dealt with and I have told them you deserve an appology"
He didn't need to go into full detail and make his partner feel like crap.
I hope everything gets sorted