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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not allow my 15 yr old ds to go on hols with his 15 yr old gf???

51 replies

Gallymum1 · 02/01/2018 13:04

My sons girlfriend of 8 months has just told me her parents want him to go on holiday with them. I’m not happy about this. I think it’s too young. They have a more relaxed approach to parenting than us (for example, they allow her to wander around late at night in the dark)! Aibu???

OP posts:

ChoudeBruxelles · 02/01/2018 14:00

When’s the holiday? I would say that you will make a decision closer to the time?

Jade94 · 02/01/2018 14:10

Me and my partner went on holidays with both sides when I was 15. And did do every year. His parents paid for me and my parents paid for him and we did it every year till DS came along. We've been together since I was 14 and there the best holidays I've ever had. It's entirely up to you and your decision shouldn't be questioned by them really he's your child and what you say goes maybe sit and talk to him though see how he really feels about going and explain your concerns so he can see where tour coming from too

Steeley113 · 02/01/2018 14:11

I wouldn’t be happy really. If she mentions it again say you’re not sure and her parents need to contact you to discuss it properly.

NC4now · 02/01/2018 14:17

I’d be worried they’d split up before the holiday.
And he’s still 14. I’d just say no.

Frazzled2207 · 02/01/2018 14:20

I'd be very wary and would only allow if I 100% trusted my son, the gf and most of all her parents.

If the parents wanted to properly discuss it I'd be open to a conversation.

coconuttella · 02/01/2018 14:29

They’re 14.... Sex issues aside, it’s a bit of a presumption that they’ll still be together come the summer!

Rianna · 02/01/2018 14:34

I would not have a problem with it . But you do for some reason ( or just your instinct ). If you’re not ok with it , say no . You’re the parent .

x2boys · 02/01/2018 14:34

I have to agree with others at 14/15 most relationships won't last (yes i.know some will) I don't think I would be making any decisions yet .

Scruffette · 02/01/2018 14:45

Yes I think you are being unreasonable, treating him with a lack of respect and trust. It would be better if you were go contact his girlfriends parents and discuss sleeping situations - you can say you're happy for him to go if you sleep in separate rooms. Saying no altogether is an overreaction and I'm sure he will be really hurt and disappointed and embarrassed. In a matter of months he will be legally classed as an adult. Saying no will only damage your relationship with him, make him feel like shit

This is mad! The bottom line is that OP is the parent and it is their call. She already said she is not happy to let him go, parents are not best buddies or to be held hostage to the notion that they might offend their children by not allowing them to have full responsibility for their welfare.

OP I have a 15 year old daughter and I would not be happy for her to go on holidays with a boyfriend and his family. Whatever my reasons it is my responsibility to guide her to adulthood using my best judgement. If she rails against me or disagrees with my decisions we discuss it to a point but my word is final. I would think I am not much use to her if I cannot be firm and strong on her behalf. So in your shoes I would stick to my guns. If it all goes belly up on or before holidays you are responsible so at least be comfortable with your decision.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2018 15:02

If you have concerns about their parenting decisions then I guess I'd say no. If they were same sex BFFs would you be feeling the same or is it the fear that their laxity will create 'opportunity', iyswim.

I'm not sure what the problem is with 'wandering around the streets'. I think your wording is a bit 'provocative' and creates a picture of the two of them wandering up and down skid row looking for trouble. My friends (BFs and BFFs) and I used to aimlessly walk around town quite a bit or 'hang out' at the park, there was nothing intrinsically 'bad' or 'wrong' with it and it didn't lead to criminal behaviour. Unless you're worried about their personal safety, I think you're overreacting.

If you don't know the parents that well, are you sure that they're really as lax as you think, or is she just saying that? I admit to telling my BFF's mum, who allowed BFF to smoke, that my mum was 'just fine' with me having cigarettes. My mum would have grounded me until the second coming if she had known! And the fact that they don't give rides doesn't mean they are lax, just that they think the distances aren't 'unwalkable'.

I'm not saying you aren't 100% correct about her and her family. Her manners sound pretty bad, but that's not always indicative of lax parenting, either. Just that perhaps there's more to her story.

Hopefully, this is simply an idea the two of them have cooked up. But if much more is said, I'd speak to her parents.

Slanetylor · 02/01/2018 15:02

Yanbu. I wouldn't like this. I don't know what the parents attitude to drinking and partying is, theirs as well as the children. And in my opinion if your child still needs to parented while on holidays you should be the one to do it. When's he's old enough to look after himself, he can travel with whoever he likes.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 02/01/2018 15:06

We've got a similar situation so I'm watching with interest. Our kids are about a year older though. But my DD has apparently been invited to go on holiday with them next summer in their camper van, and DD is absolutely up for going.

I'm not sure they'll still be together then, as well as the cost, sleeping arrangements, etc.

At the moment I'm not doing anything, but I'm intending to talk or email 1:1 with the other mum before I commit or agree to anything.

Kentnurse2015 · 02/01/2018 15:06

YANBU. Your child is 15 and just that - a child. Your decision

TheSnowballFairy · 02/01/2018 15:14

DS1 (nearly 16) and his gf (16) have been together nearly a year - I am dreading these sort of queries.

Luckily, the gf's parents are quite strict so we don't have to refuse much as it's generally been refused by them! For which I am grateful.

Myzyllfta · 02/01/2018 15:20

The answer from me would be no. End of. They’re 15 and 15 year olds don’t go on holiday together as bf and gf as they’re children . When they’re 18 and can pay for themselves they’re welcome to

Mistigri · 02/01/2018 15:22

If they are both 14 now then I think I would hold off on committing to anything, who knows how long it will last.

My 16 year old has been away with her boyfriend and his family the last two summers - really depends on how mature the young people concerned are and also on the type of holiday. I wouldn't have been prepared to spend a large amount of money a long time ahead (because of the risk of the relationship ending) but I was more than happy for DD to tag along on a holiday that had already been organised.

Original poster

Gallymum1 · 02/01/2018 16:04

Thanks all. I think I’ll wait and see if it’s brpught up again but got to stick with my gut and my gut says no.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 02/01/2018 16:19

Saying no altogether is an overreaction and I'm sure he will be really hurt and disappointed and embarrassed

Well you can't say yes to just some of it can you? It's a black and white question.

So what if they are embarrassed? It won't kill them will it? Part of life is disappointment .... I'm sure we'd all like better holidays newer car cleaner homes - but guess what? We get over it.

They can't have everything they want just because someone else has it.

I'm glad you're saying no, they'll live it's not essential they go on holiday.

RedSkyAtNight · 02/01/2018 16:20

Don't most teenagers "wander the streets" after school (also called "hanging out"? "After school" is generally afternoon, not the depths of the night! Telling your son he couldn't go round to his girlfriend's house at all, does seem very mean, sorry. I can understand if you said you didn't want to pick him up every day, so it had to be limited (though if the gf lives miles away because you live rurally or have chosen to send him to a school that involves travelling, I'd suggest you might need to suck this up a bit?

user1485342611 · 02/01/2018 16:40

Absolutely no way would I agree to this, and I'd be pissed off with her parents for suggesting it.

milliemolliemou · 02/01/2018 16:52

Let it be for the moment and see if it's brought up again. I don't think wandering around in the dark is bad parenting. Wandering around in the dark and drinking/smoking aged 14/15 not so good.

If the holiday is brought up again then speak to/visit the parents and ask them

what they think (they may be just as uneasy)
whether there's any financial commitment from you and if they break up, whether it can be recouped. What would your DC be expected to pay for?
what their rules and regulations are.
where they're planning to go and do - does it require vaccinations?
health and travel insurance
back-up plans

There's a difference between taking two teenagers to Wales or Cornwall from taking them to Europe and from taking them long-haul.

Myzyllfta · 02/01/2018 17:16

I don’t think that saying no is an overreaction at all and I am surprised that any 14/15 year old thinks that their parent will agree to it. They might feel hurt and cross but they’re too young and I’m fairly amazed that anyone would have a different response

PerfumeIsAMessage · 02/01/2018 17:22

Yanbu not wanting to commit to something far ahead when they may not be together by then.

Yabu for making what seems like a lot of assumptions about another family based on very little.

MaisyPops · 02/01/2018 17:28

I'd say no too OP.
They are 14.
They are children.
You have concerns that the parents are quite lax.
The girl seems to be a bit of a princess qho gets her own way and often what people see in public is the 'good side'.
Who knows if they'll be together.
There's the financial situation too.

I'd also not be terribly happy about gf parents playing 'cool parents' as in 'we'll make the offer to the kids and get them excited and then it's on bf family to be the bad guys'.
If they were responsible adults the parents should have contacted you and you should have spoken as adults first and discussed concerns, practicalities. Nothing should have been said to the kids until that was done.

I wouldn't want them responsible for my child. They sound like pushovers who are raising a brat (but obviously I'm being judgey from one thread).

TabbyTigger · 02/01/2018 21:08

Just turned 15 seems far too young to me and you are well within your rights to say no - he’s still your child! It’s far too serious for that age, especially as they just only be year 10 if 14 now.

You can always say if they’re still together next year you’ll consider it - 16, just finished year 11, and together for over 18 months would be the youngest I’d even consider allowing this.

Also - reading your updates, she sounds like a little madam. No advice but good luck!

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