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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I interfering?

50 replies

redwiner · 02/01/2018 08:47

My daughter is a 22 yo single mother with a 5 month old baby. She is still on mat leave and returns to work in April. She has just told me she is going to get a puppy as she wants a pet, I've advised her this is not a good idea for many reasons- cost if getting and maintaining the dog, practicality of walking and training it with a young baby, cost of paying dog walker when she returns to work etc but she is adamant she is going ahead. Another thing is that twice recently she's been poorly and had to come and stay with me to help look after the baby, and I've said to her that if she's ill again- which may happen - I won't have the dog come and stay as my husband really doesn't like them. What can I say it do to get across to her that I am only thinking of her, and that if she still wants one in a year or so when the baby is older and she's a bit more settled then she can reconsider? I know I could just say nothing and wait and see what happens but I am trying to stop her from making a massive mistake.... I don't know everything of course, but I am trying to be sensible. Advice please......

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 02/01/2018 08:51

It's her decision.

MarsBarsAreShrinking · 02/01/2018 08:54

It's an absolutely terrible idea and if I were in your position I'd be doing everything I could to talk her out of it.

Has she had a dog before? They are such a lot of work, puppies especially. Not to mention all the expense.... food, insurance, vet costs, walking/dog daycare (assuming she's not planning on leaving the poor thing all day while she's at work). It's a disaster waiting to happen and I'd be amazed if it lasted 6 months before being rehomed

HoppingPavlova · 02/01/2018 08:55

Completely her decision but good to be completely upfront in that you will not look after the dog in any way in the event she is ill, there is an emergency etc so there is understanding up front and you can’t be accused of being unreasonable down the track.

Original poster

redwiner · 02/01/2018 09:18

I agree it's a terrible idea... it's a 7 month old pup from a rescue centre so will have some training but still needing loads more. She's had an old dog a few years ago after it's owner died but even then I was called in whenever she wanted to go out to look after it.
She says she gets very lonely when the baby is in bed at night - which I can understand - but a young dog is not the answer imo. I feel I want to give her an ultimatum "It's me or the dog " sort of thing but I don't want to risk damaging our relationship and not seeing my only grandchild. She's an only child so I can't get a sibling to speak to her...

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/01/2018 09:21

Oh gosh this is such a bad idea.. keep repeating that you won’t be able to help because of DH and you won’t go and stay at hers instead and go on about weeks of wee on the carpet and six am starts (unless the baby already does that!)

LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2018 09:22

No don’t give her an ultimatum, but I would state again that you think she is making a massive mistake and you will NEVER have the dog in your house or help look after it.

Crumbs1 · 02/01/2018 09:25

Terrible, immature decision. A dog of unknown behaviour and a baby that’s about to start moving is recipe for potential unhappiness.
You can’t tell her not to but you can stand firm about not having the dog in the house.

UnitedKungdom · 02/01/2018 09:27

Just wait till pup has chewed all the babies toys and she's found her 5minth old playing in a puddle of pee.

I don't think you can stop her to be honest. Maybe she'll make a good go of it?

honeysucklejasmine · 02/01/2018 09:30

Does she rent? Her landlord may not allow a puppy, as they can do so much damage, even compared to an adult dog.

Firsttimemum777 · 02/01/2018 09:33

I think you are doing the right thing. Just tell her what you think then let her get on with it. If she realises it was a mistake, she can always pass the dog on to another home.

NCtothisfornow · 02/01/2018 09:34

If she is so determined why dont you try and encourage her to get an older dog on a trial? Some shelters give trial runs.

A 7 month old is going through its teenage rebellious stage and from my experience they are defiant, stubborn and very much hard work.
My current 7 month old puppy, when it gets in a room its not allowed. She will dive over everything not caring what is in her path or what she jumps on.
She is an escape artist and i have only just managed to get her to come back instead of running and running and running. How is she going to chase a dog with a baby?
A rebellious dog coming from a shelter with potential issues is a possible recipe for disaster. It might work but with a baby its not really worth the risk.

At least with an older dog it doesnt need as much training.

ChangoMutney · 02/01/2018 09:35

Is the puppy from a Rescue organisation? We were home checked when we got ours, they don't allow anyone who will be away from home for more than four hours to have a dog.

Dscarl07 · 02/01/2018 09:38

Perhaps mention another pet that needs a little less attention (not to sound horrible). I have a 1yo dog who requires 3 hour walks daily and even then is giddy! Since having DD he has gotten very giddy and quite hard to handle meaning it’s not a lovely stroll with doggo and baby in the pram.

Luckily DP takes over DD duties whilst I walk pup but it is really draining- even with DP in picture, to look after DD and doggo. She will find it difficult to train, walk and look after DD all on her own whereas my cat tends to do as she pleases and is very cuddly and calm, although the expense e.g. pet insurance and vet bills are still there.

If possible try to make it clear it may not be fair on her, DD and dog with all being too much to handle at once or at least if she is adamant to get a dog, try for an already trained, older dog?

Good luck OP!

haarlandgoddard · 02/01/2018 09:40

I think it’s better to get one now rather than in a year when the baby will likely be more rough and she’ll also be back at work. Nothing wrong with giving your opinion but you should back off now, it’s her choice.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2018 09:41

Crazy idea. Sounds like she's lonely though.

Lucylululu · 02/01/2018 09:46

It is her decision, you shouldn't try and manipulate her into not getting a dog just because in your personal opinion it isn't a good idea. People on here act like having a dog is this hugely expensive enormous responsibility. I adore my dogs, but hardly spend any money on them - £5 a month pet insurance and dog food - and I take him for lovely walks each day which is great for me and my children, a good excuse to get some fresh air and exercise. He is the most wonderful company. If she is a single mother maybe she is lonely and wants an addition to the family. My dog is a huge comfort to me. You shouldn't try and take that away from her.

MarsBarsAreShrinking · 02/01/2018 09:46

I agree with the PP who mentioned a slightly less demanding pet? I can certainly sympathise with her feeling lonely in the evening and agree that the company of a pet is a wonderful thing. If I were you I would try and gently encourage her to consider a couple of rescue cats perhaps? They would keep each other company when she's not at home.

Lucylululu · 02/01/2018 09:47

Also my dog has never chewed my children's toys and he doesn't pee on the floor... Whoever wrote that clearly doesn't have pets or hasn't found time to train theirs.

AlexaAmbidextra · 02/01/2018 09:48

All these people saying it's her choice, just give a thought to the poor bloody puppy that will most likely be got rid of within weeks. . It's a baby, not a toy to be cast aside at a whim.

Blunders · 02/01/2018 09:50

I remember being a lonely single mum in my twenties and tbh my dog was a huge help. I never felt alone or vulnerable with a dog in the house, and we spent lots of happy time together at the park and in the woods. It shaped my son's early life and I think he really benefitted from having a pet to look after.

So, maybe support her in the choice. I don't think it's such a terrible idea.

epicclusterfuck · 02/01/2018 09:51

Sounds like she needs something else to stop her feeling lonely in the evenings and the idea of having a dog would probably go away. Is there anything you could help with e.g. babysit while she does an evening class?

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/01/2018 09:51

Why doesn't she get a cat? Much more self sufficient, great company when you are home alone and not so much work!

I've got a four year old dog who is still very full on, needs several walks a day to be sociable, barks a lot, nips strangers (getting better on this front though!) and has cost me at the vets. Terrier though, so I knew what I was getting in to...

If she's out a lot then a dog walker isn't the answer. A rescue dog will have attachment issues and need to be with her, not left. Ultimately though, it's up to her, and I foresee a poor dog being returned as a 'rescue that didn't work out.'

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/01/2018 09:57

lucy unless you get an older dog everyone has to go through house training and if you avoided a single puddle you must have been in and out of the house like a jack in the box.

If you haven’t got a chewer then also miraculous, normal teething puppy behaviour is to chew whatever they come across. My dog is beautifully trained and hasn’t chewed or had an accident since puppyhood but she definitely did at the time!

We got her at my husband’s insistence when I started Mat leave and it was a huge thing to take on, she is lovely but as OP has suggested her daughter needs a lot of support from her which she cannot give with the puppy I would suggest the timing is not ideal.

LockedOutOfMN · 02/01/2018 09:58

Can she borrow a puppy from a friend for a week? Then she'll see how much work it is.

I agree with you, OP. It is your daughter's decision, ultimately, but I think you are right to point out clearly how much work a puppy would be and also to insist that you won't be able to take it / dogsit if your daughter is sick or unable to look after the dog for any reason.

nannybeach · 02/01/2018 09:59

Resoundings of a similar thread, how lucky you have a dog who has never chewed a kids toy, or peed on the floor! I do have 2 dogs, had dogs since I was a kid. One of my DD did the same thing (well actually her bloke did) she had a baby, was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and BF got 2 puppies, one had to go pretty much straight away, the other one I used to take out with me (then 3) for really long forest walks, BF was brought up with dogs, buts its a whole different ballgame when its not good old Mum walking and picking up. I got sick and ended up in Hospital a couple of years back with a Border collie puppy, my DH had some time off work, then I was lucky my DS came over, having to do an 80 mile round trip each day, to walk them. Good professional dogs walkers arent cheap, I met a lot, who arent insured etc, and take out a huge pack on leads, my dogs get a long daily run off lead. A few years back I didnt have a dog walker a couple of days, it cost me £18 each walk, not to be sniffed at. But Mum if you absolutely do not want to look after a dog if she is ill or whatever, stick to your guns. Am not even going to bother to get into the "having a dog is expensive" or "oh no it isnt" pantomine!

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