Am I interfering?

[redwiner]

My daughter is a 22 yo single mother with a 5 month old baby. She is still on mat leave and returns to work in April. She has just told me she is going to get a puppy as she wants a pet, I've advised her this is not a good idea for many reasons- cost if getting and maintaining the dog, practicality of walking and training it with a young baby, cost of paying dog walker when she returns to work etc but she is adamant she is going ahead. Another thing is that twice recently she's been poorly and had to come and stay with me to help look after the baby, and I've said to her that if she's ill again- which may happen - I won't have the dog come and stay as my husband really doesn't like them. What can I say it do to get across to her that I am only thinking of her, and that if she still wants one in a year or so when the baby is older and she's a bit more settled then she can reconsider? I know I could just say nothing and wait and see what happens but I am trying to stop her from making a massive mistake.... I don't know everything of course, but I am trying to be sensible. Advice please......

She shouldn't get a dog, particularly a younger one. When she returns to work is she planning on leaving it for hours alone? Poor thing will end up back in the rescue center.
Hopefully the rescue see's sense and won't let her adopt the dog!

Sorry meant to say I had to use a dog walker a couple of days!

Are you sure she will even be approved to adopt the pup? On paper she doesn't sound like an ideal candidate when you look at the 'checklist' the rescue centres use to make sure people are suitable.
Ultimately it's up to her but it sounds like a bad idea all around really and as her mum I don't see the issue with telling her that you don't think it's the best idea. Not manipulative.

A rescue pup? Most rescues won’t rehome to anyone with a baby.

Any rescue worth its salt would not rehome with a baby or young children.

How ill has she been that she has needed help with the baby?

Has she taken advantage because you have been available or did she really need help?

Even if she waits a year, she will have to take her child with her for every walk-even if the child is ill-come rain or shine!

What about the evening walk?

Having been through the rescue assessment process it’s highly unlikely they’d rehome a pup in the same house as a baby.

Agree with notreally
No reputable rescue is going to rehome a pup to her in her current circumstances

That won't necessarily stop her buying a pup from a dodgy online ad though

Any good rescue won't rehome to her - not a puppy to a single parent of a 5 month-old.

I wouldn't argue it with her, but I'd get some figures online about the costs. Food, vets bills, dog walkers etc. We have a very accident prone cocker spaniel - we spent well over £500 at the vets last year and most visits were under the insurance claim limit. We spend around £50 a month on food too. Go for the practical approach and say you're really worried about how she's going to afford it.
It's also really cruel to get a dog and leave it at home if she's going back to work. A cat would be much more sensible, and just as good a company.

Have you tried getting her to look at it from the dogs POV, it's going to be in competition with a 6month old baby, and no matter what people think this is exactly how the dog will see it, and it's only got a couple of moths to get settled before it's home alone, when she goes back to work, and then it's walks every day not just when you can be bothered, but once you get back from work, collect your child from the CM take the dog out. It's only great fun when the weather is great and both dog and child are having a great time, it's not fun when it's cold and miserable and you're knackered and the child is crying and the dog is pulling and bouncing around on the lead and knocking the pram etc. Is it really fair on the dog.

She had mastitis twice (second time only this weekend- sat in A&E 4.5hours on NYE) and 6 werks ago had it so badly she got sepsis and was v poorly. She said she's been home checked and the person who has the dog now also has a child and 2 cats.... I've tried telling how how expensive it'll be, and a cat is a far better option. one minute i think she's wavering then the next she's getting it still.. .. 😣😣

A cat is a far better option if she's lonely.

Of course it's a terrible idea. I bet she's banking on your doing exactly what you did in the past with her other dog and looking after it whenever she wanted/needed you to.

If you won't and that's your boundary, you need to stick to it and she will soon realise getting the dog wasn't a good idea. She probably won't before she gets the dog!

I understand her wanting a pet, I wanted a pet for the same reason but I got some rats because they're low maintenance! Maybe you need to talk to her more about what she could do to alleviate the loneliness. Sounds like she doesn't want a dog so much as to alleviate the loneliness.

Why don’t you suggest that she starts off with a trial period of two weeks? She will soon realise that it is impossible - or it might just work (it won’t).

the person who has the dog now also has a child and 2 cats

Fostered with them by the rescue, or a home-to-home adoption where the puppy is leaving its original family to come straight to her?

Because in the second case, why are they giving up the puppy?

"a child" is not her 5-month-old baby.

She has a massive amount on her plate already, and this particular dog is almost bound to be the wrong decision - it won't be her old dog. It will be a young, boundary-pushing puppy who needs time and training.

We've just rehomed a 2 year old calm and lovely dog, and my DC are older, but not old enough to be left home alone while someone walks the dog. On days DH isn't around for whatever reason, this can be a battleground or a logistical nightmare. If walking a puppy with a pram isn't much fun, chasing a poorly trained dog in one direction when the toddler with a tantrum refuses to walk further or runs in the opposite direction will be hell.

Walks to the park are great - but the pup will need to be tied up outside the play area if she wants to push the toddler on the swings.

Inside the house, the dog will need to be gated away from the baby most of the time unless she can give her undivided attention to both baby and dog at the same time.

Extra cleaning, extra expenses - it's just a massively bad idea all round.

I recommend a nice friendly cat.

No rescue center worth its salt would re-home to anyone with a 5 month old baby, whether they're single or not.

I recently registered with 6 of them and none of them would re-home to anyone with a child under the age of 8yrs.

She sounds a bit like me when I’m manic- I’m not diagnosing, but could she have mh issues? I have bipolar and when manic I once adopted a puppy. Believe me, I know it wasn’t my finest moment. Fortunately for me, my best friend was desperate to have him, and so took him on when it became apparent that I was unwell and unable to cope. He is the luckiest dog ever now, but I dread to think where I’d be if she hadn’t taken him on.

She sounds terribly lonely, if she’s insistent on a pet, a cat would be so much easier and less maintenance.

When you consider hospital admissions, holidays, days out... a dog doesn’t fit in with those things, and they easily crop up as a single parent- suddenly you find yourself in a situation where an animal is easily neglected.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all- you’re being practical

Could you get her to think about how cure the loneliness in other ways. Don't talk about the rights or wrongs of getting the dog. Talk about how she might get out more. Things she would like to do when the baby is older. And don't say "you can't do those things with a dog". Let her work that out and also see another exit from loneliness.

She does have mh issues- you are right. It seems- I think - from when her dad was killed in a road accident when she was 13. (My hub now is her step dad). She is on medication and sometimes she's fine but other days I simply cannot 'reach' her.

It is her decision

Can you find the rescue organisation and tell them about her MH issues? Be cruel to be kind. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

I don't know which rescue place it is- from what she's said to me she contacted them saying what she wanted (dog who is good wirh children,) and they gave her the contact details of the woman who currently has the dog and it's gone on from there. She said they have home checked her and also assessed the dog but it's now between the two of them arranging it between themselves. Sound odd but without calling her a liar I'm not sure what else to say. Would it be wrong of me to contact her best friend and chat to her about it?