To not want my husband leaving the country 2 weeks before i am due with our first child, or 9 days after?

[Stigaloid]

My DH has works a second job as a music producer and DJ, which is a passion of his that he has always had and usually I am very supportive of. He works hard during the week in a 9-5 job and music is a hobby which happens to earn him extra money (he declares all earnings on his Tax Return and has been doing music for years) and keeps him happy.

Normally i don't mind too much when he takes gigs that are inconvenient to us as a couple, or the fact that i am informed of up-coming events by friends and family who have read his website, rather than by him himself (!) but AIBU to be slightly miffed that he has agreed to take a gig 2 weeks before i am due with our first child, and that the gig is out of the country? Not only that, but I have just discovered (via a website and not my DH) that he is also playing outside of the country once more 9 days after my due date.

If the baby is early or late there is a big chance of him missing the birth and i am feeling very vulnerable about literally being left holding the baby.

Others have offered to come to the hospital with me, but i want my DH as my birth partner. My mother is out of the country as well on a long-planned holiday (it was booked before we found out i was pregnant) so i will have no family support.

AIBU in being upset about this? I know he has a passion, but surely he should want to not leave me during this time and support me with our firstborn?

No, YANBU.

Those two gigs are supremely ill-planned if I may say so. His thoughtlessness is staggering!

If this were me I would simply not accept him having those booked in and I would want them cancelled.

DH travels abroad for work sometimes. I had him on an absolute ban on travel between 37 and 42 weeks pg, on the basis almost all babies show up at some point during that period, naturally or by induction. I don't think DH minded though, he wanted to be there and actually left his phone on during the meeting he was at while I was 36 weeks pg just in case.

Absolutley not - YANBU! Has this man still got use of his legs? I'd have cut them off by now - a little reality check for him in order me thinks...very for you.

I don't think you are over-reacting at all. Try not to get into an emotional state over it, just explain to him how important it is that he is there for this 'huge event' and that you would prefer him to cancel.

My DH wanted to go to a rock festival around my due date and after many tears (at which point he had already switched off), I explained my case and he accepted that life would change for him and he couldnt go!

Good luck!

oh dear, does he know your due date? does he fully understand that it is an approximate not a given?

no,m not unreasonable at all

he is unreasonable for agreeing to out of the country gigs, where there is a distinct possibility he will miss the birth of his child

only around 5 % of babies arrive on their due date, so he is more likely to miss it if he is away before or after that date

Thanks everyone. I have said to him that i would rather he be around but he seems intent on going. He believes that the baby will arrive on time and he will only be away for a max of 24 hours at a time, but that still doesn't sit well for me. Even if the baby is born on time, i don't want him to go away when DC is 9 days old and leave me on my own for 24 hours with no other means of support.

My emotions aren't helped by the fact that the last time DH went away leaving the country for a gig and was unreachable my dad went into hospital and died. I feel very vulnerable when he goes off at big times in our lives.

I will try and talk to him again, but i get made to feel really guilty when i insist he cancel a gig, which i feel seems unfair on me.

Tell him to cancel the gigs or you cancel the marriage

Agnes

I just think it's outrageous; you are doing this huge thing and his main involvement during the nine months (bar the fun bit at the beginning) is probably supporting you at the birth...however you can't make someone want to be there

But I do think this is worth fighting for: I would if it was me.

His attitude is not good enough. Do you think there's an element of him WANTING to run away from it all, the birth I mean - and the ensuing responsibility?

Argh! Sympathy. DH is similar, works in music, and I often discover what he is doing by overhearing him on the phone or seeing a poster!! Gah!

DH was away from home a few days before my due date. Over night. But was within a hours drive so that was okay by me. He left the country for a week on tour when ds was about 2 months old. Again, that was okay, and my dad came to visit for a night or two anyway.

I too feel stupid guilt when he has to refuse a gig or job offer due to familiy commitments - not sure why, it is his familiy after all.

You are NOT being unreasonable at all. Not asking much, to have your DH with you at the birth of your child. Stand firm on this one, it will set a precedent.

oh dear

his firstborn arriving into the world is less important than a gig?

time for him to start thinking about his priorities and fatherhood, not just your life that should change when baby arrives

I do feel for you. My dh works on the oil rigs and when ds1 was born he missed the birth ( he was 6 weeks early though) and then he only flew home for a day and a half and had to go back even though ds stayed in hospital for 2 weeks as he was ill. When ds2 was born he was home (luckily ds2 was 2 weeks early) but went back 7 days later. I panicked when he left the second time as ds1 was only 16 months old and ds2 a week.
You do feel vunerable and I am sorry about your dad, mine has leukeamia and I dread something happening when dh is away.
All you can do is try and talk to him, it is hard. Dh is a brilliant dad now mine are teens but wasn't so much when they were younger. He says that when he is away he just cuts off from everything as it is the only way to cope. Men don't seem to feel as we do in some way, I suppose yours is just feeling he can carry on as normal.

Back in the days when I was a wimp I made the midwife give me the most thorough internal so that my child would arrive before his father went on rugby tour!! Looking back I can't believe that I behaved in such a way. The marriage obviously didn't last, my ex misses out on the nicest children you could meet as he continues to be so selfish.
You would manage, don't be afraid of that but there is no way that you should be put in this position. Tell all his friends, his family, post on his website, do a MySpace page on him. Luckily attitudes have changed since my experience and everyone will let him know what a selfish git he is

Bloody hell!
It's not just that he feels able to waltz off and leave you on your own at that time, it's the fact that he would, apparantly, put a gig above taking an active interest in his new baby, and it's birth.

Amongst his friends are any of them Dads? Can you get them, or a BIL, to tell him he is being unrealistic, naive, deeply selfish and unfair?

"His attitude is not good enough. Do you think there's an element of him WANTING to run away from it all, the birth I mean - and the ensuing responsibility? "

No i don't think so. I know he is excited about becoming a dad and knows that his life will change, but he is equally passionate about his music and can't resist it when there is a really good line-up. It just makes me feel second best. I am quite nervous about the birth experience in itself so would want his support, but another part of me feels stupid if the baby if on time and he could have done the gigs and i stopped him (which is a stupid guilt to have, but there you go)

He is a great DH and usually very thoughtful and loving, but he just seems to have a blindspot when it comes to his music. Granted he has loved his music for longer than he has loved me, but still, it's his first born FFS. Doesn't help when he flippantly remarks that he'll "be there for the second one if he misses the first". I have told him he would be lucky to make a second one if he misses the first but that hasn't stopped him as yet.

Men! Pah!

Once your baby arrives, he will be forced to confront his priorities.

I suspect this is more a case of refusing to believe that having baby will "change your lives" and therefore acting as if everything will be the same. It won't be. A bit of denial.

I have told all his friends, but they seem more excited about him playing these rather large gigs than being present at the birth! Makes me feel like i am making a mountain out of a molehill. Others (who are already dads) have offered to come with me as 'don't worry - i've seen it all before - i know the noises you'll make' but that doesn't make me feel very comfortable. I only want DH as a birth partner - i don't want to go through it all without him or have his friends see my fandango!

have you told him his friends have offered to come and see your fanjo in all it's labouring glory instead of him? That might do the trick!!!

He was there when they offered to come!

He is really confidant that it will all be okay - which makes me question my being upset by it all. I feel guilty for asking him to stay and hurt that he would even consider going and that his friends seem to think it's all okay too.

Am very glad that you all can see my point of view. I do feel quite hurt and upset by it all, but then i am also in my third trimester and very hormonal so wasn't sure how much was hormones and how much was reasonable upset!

Oh well - tell his idiotic freinds that next time thier partners give birth, you will be happy for your DH to be thier birth partners and how do they think thier wives wuld feel?

What a bunch of idiots.

In rality, do you think he would cancel if you went into labour as he was leaving for the gig? Or if you had the baby 6 hours before the second? Or do you think his sense of being a Dad and partner would kick in? If so, relax - whatever happens it will be ok on the night. But you can do without all this anxiety - you need re-assurance and security, and he should know that.

"I know he is excited about becoming a dad and knows that his life will change"

Bless him, but I don't think that he really does know how much parenthood is about to change his life. I doubt many people do tbh. We definitely didn't!

Are you going to NCT classes or other antenatal classes? If so I would grab 5 minutes with the teacher and your dh and talk through the proposition. Your dh may hear things differently from a "profesional".

What plans is hemaking for paternity leave? Does he realise that these dates aren't set in stone either?

If the above doesn't work/appeal, then you might want to produce some stats on the number of births which require intervention, and the respective recovery times. He can't leave you with the baby if you have just had a c/section (at least 11% of women have an emergency c/section). What happens if you go into labour just before he is due to leave - is he comfortable that in those circumstances he would cancel the trip (and is he insured for the consequences?!)

I'm not sure that this is a deliberate act of withdrawal on his part, though obviously you know him best. I just think that he needs to be educated on the realities of those early weeks. If he is open to cnecelling at the last minute then actually I would be happy with him making the bookings (though actually it would have to be a gig of a lifetime for me to agree to being left with a 9 day old unless i had my mum staying).

look at having a doula maybe, so you get some unequivocal emotional support for the birth...

am sorry his friends, especially the dads, seem to think this is not a problem

my DH had a meeting booked for potentially the day after our DD was being induced...i told him if he went to the meeting, it would be the last he saw of us

he cancelled

and as it happened she arrived on her due date anyway!

You really are not being unreasonable.
Would he really not cancel if you went into labour?

That's just the thing Ladymuck - it isn't a gig of a lifetime - he has played the event 2 years running now so does know what it's like.

I will ask him if he would be happy to cancel at last minute if i go into labour when he is leaving and find out. That will probably allay my fears somewhat. I just dread him being away, me going into labour - not being able to get to the hospital and having no birth partner whilst he is out of contact on his phone.

We are attending the NCT classes, had our first last week, i will do as you suggest an speak to our teacher - she may be able to help both of us deal with this situation - thanks for the good advice

I suspect that the other dads in the NCT classes will be a lot more helpful on this than his halfwit friends.