To not want my husband leaving the country 2 weeks before i am due with our first child, or 9 days after?

[Stigaloid]

My DH has works a second job as a music producer and DJ, which is a passion of his that he has always had and usually I am very supportive of. He works hard during the week in a 9-5 job and music is a hobby which happens to earn him extra money (he declares all earnings on his Tax Return and has been doing music for years) and keeps him happy.

Normally i don't mind too much when he takes gigs that are inconvenient to us as a couple, or the fact that i am informed of up-coming events by friends and family who have read his website, rather than by him himself (!) but AIBU to be slightly miffed that he has agreed to take a gig 2 weeks before i am due with our first child, and that the gig is out of the country? Not only that, but I have just discovered (via a website and not my DH) that he is also playing outside of the country once more 9 days after my due date.

If the baby is early or late there is a big chance of him missing the birth and i am feeling very vulnerable about literally being left holding the baby.

Others have offered to come to the hospital with me, but i want my DH as my birth partner. My mother is out of the country as well on a long-planned holiday (it was booked before we found out i was pregnant) so i will have no family support.

AIBU in being upset about this? I know he has a passion, but surely he should want to not leave me during this time and support me with our firstborn?

I hope so Blu! (fingers crossed)

I'd give your NCT teacher a ring during the week and explain your concerns, so she has time to plan it in (or discuss in teabreak).

Possibly from a financial point of view I would ask dh what the financial implications of a late cancellation would be (eg can he be sued for breech of contract, and if so is he insured?). Does he lose the cost of flights etc?

are your family nearby? can you have a "back up" to be at your birth incase he isnt there or has to leave? i know this is not ideal, but im guessing this is a huge thing for him career wise.

cx

I will check about the insurance, but i don't think he will need it. Career-wise i am not sure how big a thing this is - it isn't his main source of income, just his main source of joy. He has admitted he will have to take less gigs when he is a father and will be focusing more on producing rather than playing out. I just feel that the month around the birth he should be about.

I don't have family around who can help out as they will be away for a number of weeks, and to be honest, i love them very much but they stress me out a lot and the last thing i want is them around during this time.

My mother's helpful suggestions on pregnancy so far has been

"Morning sickness is simply a case of mind over matter"

(after first scan and very excited - [phone mum)
Me: You're going to be a grandma!
Mum: You're going to lose your figure!

Mum: Yes, i thought you were carrying a boy - you don't look good and when you carry a girl you glow.

(when discussing plans for the nursery)
Mum: Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Anything can happen and you never know....

Me: why do you keep calling the baby 'it'? We know he is a boy. He has a name already.
Mum: I refuse to call it anything other than it until it is born.

ad infnitum!

Oh blimey stig! sounds like my mum at times!!!!

have you got any close friends who could come along to your birth if needed?

cx

Everybody else, please feel free to rubbish this idea.

Stigaloid, would your dh agree to a compromise & go to the first gig but cancel the second. If first baby's are normally late, the chances are you will really want him around when the second gig is on, either because you haven't had the baby yet or he is just a day or two old & you need the help.
Ideally he should cancel both though and you are not being unreasonable

Hi Stig,

My husband (keen singer, does far too many concerts) managed to book a concert for 7 days after my due date with DS2, and wouldn't cancel despite my 'suggestions' that it wasn't the best plan. I went into labour at 5 a.m. He had to miss it (and they actually hauled in a member of the audience to sing his part, as he obviously didn't give them much notice).

Not that I did it on purpose, you understand. Oooh no. Not in the least bit.

I just know with my luck that it will all kick off when he isn't here, but if he stays and doesn't go it will be fine and i'll feel guilty that i made him stay.

TBH i am more miffed at the fact that this seems like a no-brainer to me and I just don't get why he can't see that the birth of our first born should take precedence of a dj gig or two.

I love him to bits and don't doubt his love for me at all - i just can't understand where his brain is at when it comes to something so life-changing. I have no idea how much help or assistance i will need at 9 months pregnant in terms of just getting about - i'd really like him around and find it unfair that i am made to feel guilty for asking him to stay.

I have had other people offer to come in his place, but i don't want anyone else. I'd rather be on my own if he wasn't around as it is a private moment that i only want to share with my husband.

Don't know if this helps but my dp was much like this before we had ds. His music always seemed to take priority, to the extent I asked my mum to be my birth partner instead. Just after we had ds, dp played a gig on my birthday, so I stayed in by myself! Two years on, dp is besotted by ds, barely plays his music at all any more and is a million times more helpful. It seems to have taken him a while to get his head round the whole idea. He just really had no idea before.

I think it's not just the fact that he might not be there for the birth (bad enough as that is by itself) but that he's not bothered about being there with you in the run up, when you are having a hard time and fed up of being pregnant and even wanting to spend those precious first few days with you and your new son.

If my DH was yours, I wouldn't be having a second child for him to make the birth of.

you don't doubt his love for you...
therefore he should e able to see how this is affecting you and make the sensible decision to cancel...

everyone has more or less said what I want to, but I would also add that the birth itself is just one part. My dh went to Scotland for a christening when I had 3 weeks to go. I was really upset, I was feeling emotional, scared, uncomfortable, and I just wanted him to be at home with me. Its not unreasonable to need extra support, physically and emotionally near the end.

We didnt see eye to eye on this for ages and it affected us for some time as it grew into such a big issue.

Secondly, you have no idea how you are going to feel if you are on time and have a 9 week old baby. What if you have a section and need physical help, what if you just need support and comfort with sleep deprivation, the list goes on.

I think this is a real issue that could set the pattern for what happens with his future gigs, and what your expectations are of life with a baby. Talking to the NCT teacher is an excelelnt idea, I hope it helps.

I would be more upset by finding this out via website and friends rather than directly from him, rather than the fact he is going.

It may well be that he is better away, because not all men know how to be supportive. Might annoy you more if he was there TBH.

I know this may seem a shocking question - but does he genuinely want to be there for the birth - some men just don't want to - not that they're trying to 'run away' from the situation but it's just not something that all men can/want to deal with.

I do find it rather odd there's this assumption that a DH/DP "HAS" to be there for the birth - it never used to be like that and I don't believe it makes them any less of a man/father if they don't want to be there.

HOWEVER (having said all that) I do think you need to talk to him about what will happen if you do go into labour early/late and whether he will indeed stay at home to support you and the DB.

oh and you should be glad that your DH knows your due date - it's take my DH nearly 30 weeks to finally get into his head that my EDD is beginning of JUNE not the beginning of may LOL (and it's our 3rd!).

No, I think he is being completely thoughtless and selfish. And to not tell is awful, he obviously knows he is in the wrong.

The one before wouldnt bother me too much, can you compromise and ditch the one after?

"oh and you should be glad that your DH knows your due date - it's take my DH nearly 30 weeks to finally get into his head that my EDD is beginning of JUNE not the beginning of may LOL (and it's our 3rd!). "

Haha! He knows it is in the beginning of July but he had to guess around the date when quizzed at our ante-natal class last week. He is rubbish on numbers.

I'll sit him down again and work out an action plan - although this does just seem to go in circles and i do tend to cave in from the sense of guilt i feel at asking him to not go for my sake.

Hi Stig - how far away will he be? i.e. how quickly could he get back.

I know how you feel - dh went on a work trip abroad and literally only made it back just in time for ds's birth (it was his first night back in the country, he was trying to sleep off his jet lag when my waters broke so I kicked him out of bed and made him build the cot!).

I dunno - you don't know when the baby's going to arrive, it could be earlier than that or later. I'd be tempted to let him go but I don't think you're being unreasonable about being upset because I'd be pissed off about his lack of honesty about the other gig as much as anything else I think.

He is being an a*se.

Most first babies are late though (anecdotally at least) - and mine was. I think your baby is unlikely to come before your due date. However, I would be quite concerned about him not being there 9 days after your due date when it is quite likely you will either just have given birth or be about to. Sounds like he is stubbornly continuing in the belief that he will be able to continue life as normal after you give birth. In the end you cannot force him to cancel though.

If it were me I would have a friend on standby if you cannot get him to change his mind. You will want someone there even if not him, you really will.

Btw your mother sounds very familiar. With my first I gave birth in 7 1/2 hours flat (from first twinge) with no pain relief, not even gas and air (smug emotion). I had no idea I was capable of that. The midwife said 'she's done really well, she's had no pain relief' - my mother's response 'well, she can do things when she tries' That is why I still feel 5 when she speaks to me instead of 35......... And she was the only visitor who expected supper to be cooked for her when she visited us at home a few days later

Well i spoke to him and said that i felt it was unfair that i was made to feel bad for not wanting him to go and that i thought it unreasonable for him to leave me at such a vulnerable time on my own when anything could happen, but he said his name is all over the advertising and he can't pull out without making himself look bad. he has promised to only be out of the country for as minimal amount a time as possible and will cancel a second UK gig due on the same date, but i still feel sidelined for his hobby.

He has reassured me that everything will go well and the birth will be a wonderful shared experience - but it isn't just about the birth. It's about after the baby is here and how vulnerable i am feeling at going through this huge event and the possibility that he won't be there to help me.

I mentioned how i felt to a friend and he said 'well i can see both sides really. he has always made it very clear that he loves Djing and as it is a second job he is a semi-professional' this is our first baby ffs! No matter how much i love a hobby or a job - surely having a baby is more important? I just don't understand how our friends seem to see his point of view and not appreciate mine!

Am very grateful for mumsnet to vent and get support.

Pah! Men!

Well whatever you decide (you know... live webcam birth on his webiste for example) please please please don't assume that because it's a first baby it's likely to come late. I just had 3 mums with first babies all come early, very early and even earlier in the past fortnight.

And... why ask his childless friends? I think it's a good idea to get the NCT teacher to mention how important partner support is. Perhaps those men will tell him he's being a total twit!

Good idea Marslady (although i asked my friend and he sided with DH - the rotter!) I'll speak to the NCT lady but i feel ridiculous having to ask someone else to explain to my husband how i am feeling when i have tried often myself. Perhaps a 3rd person with experience is the best way though.

Live webcam i don't think i could!

We are watching a video on birth at our NCT class this week - maybe that will help change his mind and keep him near me! (fingers crossed)

I think that you may have two different issues here - you seem to have a general feeling that you take second place to dh's djing and the fact that dh doesn't seem to communicate his commitments to you particularly effectively, and also you have specific concerns around the timing of these 2 gigs in particular. I think that you may find it easier to get a suitable outcome if you view, and keep in view, that these are separate issues to be resolved (quite possibly at different times).

In terms of the first issue, I'm afraid that I don't have much advice - it is the nature of most men to have some sort of hobby, either active or passive (eg watching sport). It is often a key social factor for them. Just because he is passionate about music, doesn't mean that he isn't passionate about you. He just enjoys his passions in different ways. I doubt he sees it as an either or. You may need to take a bit more of a lead in showing interest in what he does though. It seems a bit odd to me that his friends keep up to date on his website, but that you don't read it (I'm not suggesting by the way that this should be the way the two of you communicate - but I do keep an eye of dh's myspace from time to time).

In terms of the second issue, I would defintely involve your NCT teacher, especially as I suspect that you might be being swayed by your feelings about his djing in general. Both of you need to be able to discuss the practicalities of the timing of these gigs as well as the emotional aspects. Of course he should be present at the birth of your son. But he needs to come to terms with the practicalties of what his gigging and your final stages of pg mean practically, and not be pushed into giving up the gigs in order to make you feel better.

I don't think that you're being unreasonable, but you do need to have a discussion about what this really means. What happens if you go into labour six hours before his flight? Or if you are overdue and about to be induced? To be honest if he leaves you whilst you are in labour then you're probably not going to want him around after the birth are you? I agree that having the dh/p there isn't the be all and end all, but that is not quite the same.