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Original poster

To think I'm right to end this?

35 replies

gingergenius · 01/01/2018 22:04

I have had problems with oh on and off for a while. We reached rock bottom in 2016 and split for 4 months. I run a business that he is integral to in spite of not being a shareholder/director (have sought bleh all advice and is not a black and white situation)

I suspect our work situation is partially responsible for my decision to give him another chance.

Last year was not without its challenges and I am not always rational or over the shitstorm that was 2016.

My kids accept that we are dating again but not keen on the idea. I do not expect them to play happy families and have restricted contact to the times when they are with their dad.

Recently my nearly 16 y/o son (ASD) has vetoed staying at his dad's for some difficult encounters with dad's gf.

I have liaised with ex to ensure kids' needs are at the centre of our focus but obviously sometimes things don't always work like clockwork.

I am committed to the wellbeing of my kids 100%.

As a result of the above I have not had any time without children (unless I'm working) for about 4-5 months.

I accept that kids grow up and nrp contact changes and although I miss cf time I'm not about to prioritise that over my kids (ie I suck it up because this is a transitional stage and all part of being a parent).

This has been a bone of contention with my oh who has repeatedly over the past few weeks stated that our ability to be intimate is being affected because although my younger two are happy to sleep over at their dad's, my eldest would prefer to see his dad but not sleep over.

Last night, this conversation came up again, ostensibly because he wants us to be able to be intimate without worrying about offending/waking up/offending my son.

I said that if these were our children, we'd have to manage it just like every other married couple with kids and his needs for grunty sex doesn't trump my role as a mum.

Fast forward to this morning and the discussion resumed. I said that instead of him arguing with me about childcare, we could actually have had sex.

His reply was: "yes quiet, boring sex. Or maybe we could have held hands. Whoopee"

I was really hurt and have basically said that we're done. We have a strong s x drive and I'm not blind to the fact that no kids in the house makes life a bit more interesting but I now feel that unless we have 'porn sex' it's basically a waste of time in his mind.

I've told him this is a deal breaker for me. I've given it my best shot but our sex life doesn't come at the expense of a few months of my kids transitioning from kids to young adults.

I feel utterly drained. I just need to know if I'm being precious or if I'm justified to dump him.

Am a regular reader/poster and feeling really quite sad because have been with him 6 years.

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 01/01/2018 22:23

You are not happy in this relationship. That is enough reason to end it. Life is short. Don’t waste anymore of it.

Original poster
gingergenius · 01/01/2018 22:27

You're right. Work complicated things. Trying to work out how to make it work. Makes my head boil just thinking about it!

OP posts:
Floellabumbags · 01/01/2018 22:31

He sounds like the biggest kid of the lot. I'd cut him loose.

KarmaStar · 01/01/2018 22:34

You're a fantastic mum.
Do you love this man?if you want to make a go of things there is nothing wrong with putting your needs first sometimes too.
If he is making your life too difficult then yes it's time ..

Isadora2007 · 01/01/2018 22:38

Separate your work and your relationship. Figure out his role at work, agree to it and that is his work role regardless of your relationship.

Now the relationship. Yes your children are important and your son with ASD is going to make things slightly more complicated. However I don’t think you’re doing him any favours by agreeing he doesn’t need to sleep over at his dads in response to issues with the GF- how does that help him to overcome issues? It doesn’t- it avoids them and puts further strain on you as you get no “non-Mum” time. Yes your partner is in a relationship with a Mum but also with you as a person- who or where is she in all this? If you want to give this relationship a chance- not necessarily for porn sex but for “switch off from life and let go” sex and couple time...then you need to sit down with him and talk about what you would like from him and what he would like from you. If you have no desire to prioritise him and you and couple time then maybe it is time to walk away.

Original poster
gingergenius · 01/01/2018 22:39

@KarmaStar I have loved him and I think it's still there but I'm finding it hard to get a balance and feeling harangued because my eldest won't sleep over at his dad's so that we can have unfettered sex feels so wrong.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 01/01/2018 22:40

he sounds like a selfish Dick OP.... your thinking... your actions.. your priorities... are all bang on correct..... Flowers

I think you're definitely doing the right thing Grin

good luck with the Business situation..

Original poster
gingergenius · 01/01/2018 22:41

@Isadora2007 I have been working with son and ex to come up with a plan where he will stay over at least once a month - but it's taken a while to get him to calm down enough to consider this. Trust me I'm not enabling no contact but I AM trying be understanding of everyone's differing needs and viewpoints.

OH is aware that thus compromise has been reached.

OP posts:
titsbumfannythelot · 01/01/2018 22:53

Thanks for your ginger. I think you need to separate the work side of things from your issues.

I do understand the need to be intimate though but not at the cost of your family's needs.

Pixel · 01/01/2018 22:56

I'd have been hurt by the remark about 'ordinary/quiet sex' with me being boring too! Do you think he meant it or was he just being argumentative at the time? I have an autistic teenager myself so I know it can be a bit frustrating that we don't get a lot of privacy and I can't blame DH if he sighs about it a bit sometimes, but then I wouldn't expect him to complain that the sex we do manage isn't up to his standards!

I guess if you don't feel supported or appreciated by him regarding this matter (which you really should feel you are facing and working through together) then it doesn't bode all that well for the rest of your relationship. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for putting your children first, but only you know if this is a temporary bad humour on his part that could possibly be put right (say with a weekend away just the two of you) or if it's just typical of his general attitude, in which case he's not worth the bother.

Original poster
gingergenius · 01/01/2018 23:07

The intimacyIS important. But the fallout from our relationship in 2016 negatively impacted on my children (not physically but more as a witness to our problems which obviously was t healthy for them) has resulted in my reluctance to put his needs over theirs.

Honestly I know, in my heart, that we've run out of road. I cannot Allie my kids to suffer as a result of my relationship. That doesn't mean I mature myself, but their relationship with him was damaged by his actions in 2016 and I can't, in all conscience, push him on them again. I guess I'm suffering from sunk cost fallacy.

And yes, separating Work and personal is imperitove. It's an event/hospitality/client facing business job so not always very easy.

Will have to work on my acting skills. Thanks all x

OP posts:
Original poster
gingergenius · 01/01/2018 23:13

Apologise goes for terrible typos.

Clearly my phone is possessed

OP posts:
Original poster
gingergenius · 01/01/2018 23:14

See - can't even write a proper typo apology!

OP posts:
Original poster
gingergenius · 02/01/2018 10:58

Any other opinions? Would be grateful for insight.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 02/01/2018 14:45

You’ve said it’s over. I think that’s your answer.

GeorgeTheHamster · 02/01/2018 14:53

My kids are 16 and 18. They don't want to stay at their dad's, though they are happy to visit. They don't stay and neither parent has even suggested it for months. As you say, kids' needs come first.

Hisnamesblaine · 02/01/2018 14:58

What did he do in 2016?

Original poster
gingergenius · 02/01/2018 15:10

A mixture of things @Hisnamesblaine but I don't want to focus on them because it will derail and possibly divert from this current situation.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/01/2018 15:19

He wants shot of your Kids... this reason alone would make me end things Flowers

Hisnamesblaine · 02/01/2018 15:24

I only ask because based on the limited info you've given us I would say the relationship could be salvageable. But if his behaviour/actions in 2016 was explained then we could advise you on whether or not things could continue?

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 15:34

Your son has much more of a right to live with you then this man.

Start the process of detangling yourself and your business from his clutches.

ihatethecold · 02/01/2018 15:38

Can’t your ex try sort out why his eldest child won’t stay with him?
Can’t his girlfriend stay somewhere else occasionally so his child is happy to sleep there?

Gemini69 · 02/01/2018 15:44

OP.. are you back tracking Flowers

LoganEchollsWife · 02/01/2018 15:47

Leave. You are not happy this is just another straw.

Floellabumbags · 02/01/2018 15:56

Are you hanging on because of your business or because he's a habit and you don't want to be alone?

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