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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited and then sent pics?

72 replies

Padstowonthames · 01/01/2018 17:50

I am a new poster but have often read the AIBU. I am in a whatsapp group with some friends. There is quite a lot of history with three of the women being v cliquey to the point of saying 'we're a three' at times, despite us all being in our late 40s! So...I saw them at xmas, sometimes we meet up at new year but nothing was said this year. Today they have been posting pics to the wattsapp group of them away enjoying a break together for new year. We look to be the only people in the whatsapp group who aren't there! We were not invited and wierdly nothing was said. What I don't understand is why post pictures of them all together? There are loads of these messages popping up! Unintentional or passive aggressive bitchy? AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:

FoxyRoxy · 01/01/2018 23:58

OP I would be miffed but I would probably put that group on the back burner rather than remove completely, as you've said they can be good fun.

nestletollhouse · 02/01/2018 00:03

Cut them off. You not being around to be a bitch to ruins their fun, doesn't it?

Sweetpea55 · 02/01/2018 01:46

Dont you wonder what they are saying behind your back if they are so bitchy? You dont need people like that in your life.

Original poster

Padstowonthames · 02/01/2018 07:27

Thanks ladies. Helpful to get some perspective on this! yes, I know that no-one has the right to an invite, it's the unsubtle posting of pics that I found hurtful! As I said, they do have form and are very cliquey. I'm not around during the day as I work full-time so miss out on the day to day coffee bitching sessions so am never fully in the loop anyway! One of the husbands is quite lecherous as well, which has caused embarrassment in the past too due to some of his comments/actions. Time to downgrade them to 'people I know' rather than friends I think!

OP posts:

princesssparkle1 · 02/01/2018 07:34

If they've already made it clear that they are a 'three' it's not really surprising that they've chosen to do something as 'a three' is it?

If you don't like them ( they are bitchy and have a lecherous husband) why are you still a part of the extended group?

Why don't you create a break off '' three '' - or more Than three, with others in the extended group?

2gorgeousboys · 02/01/2018 07:51

It's difficult isn't it. I'm in a friendship group of 5 families and have different relationships with different combinations. DH and I are closest to one couple and we spent New Year's Eve with them, then as families three of us get on best and have done things together over Christmas a few times, then as women only I actually get on better with original couple and two who are not in the families group and we also met up over Christmas for a night out.

We don't always invite everyone to everything as different dynamics work better (plus if you are hosting at home there's a big difference between having 12 people round and having 18/20 people round.

I'm now worried that people are feeling excluded and hurt when that's not ever been the intention. I understand that sometimes they will want to do things without us and that's ok.

Allthetuppences · 02/01/2018 07:53

Leave the swingers group to it! Delete and move on.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 02/01/2018 08:06

mumsnetters has some totes bonkers posters (not you OP)
Doing things without inviting an extended group is fine. Would you prefer that they weren't open with you and didn't share that they'd done something 'behind your back'?

I'd be more offended by that to be honest, if they have made it clear they are a threesome / closer group who are part of a wider group then I would not be at all upset by this. More upsetting surely to stumble over it?

vapourtrail · 02/01/2018 08:21

If this was in a group of my best friends I would feel very hurt by this and would have to speak to one / all of them face to face about this. But from anyone else I would probably have a minute of Oh I would have liked to have been invited. But then I would think ok, whatever. It sounds like they are SAHMs or work part time and you don't, so it is only natural that if they have more time to hang out they have become better friends. This is no slight on you, just the result of different lifestyles. Rationalise in your mind whatever reason there could be for why they are closer and then let it go. I am part of a group of friends where two of them live next door, they do more stuff together than with the rest of us and it is inevitable that they will be better friends because they see each other more. So if they are not your best friends I wouldn't take it personally and would send a message back saying Looks great! Happy New year to you all. And leave it like that. Stay part of the group with the knowledge that while they are best friends they are not your closest friends and you are friends with them for the extra fun times that they sometimes offer and you don't need or expect anything more from them than that.

user1499786242 · 02/01/2018 09:11

Id be telling them to fuck off

BackforGood · 02/01/2018 14:33

Some of the replies on this thread, explain why there are so many threads on MN saying that posters 'have no friends' or 'have no-one they can ask to....' or saying they are lonely.

Slanetylor · 02/01/2018 15:09

Yes I'm always amazed at the advice to get rid of people. Now of course some people absolutely need to be dumped but do people expect to just swan off and pick up new friends at the drop of a hat? It's not that easy if you are busy with work and family or if your work place doesn't offer much chances of friendships.

Intercom · 02/01/2018 16:59

I'd rather have no friends than unkind friends.

BackforGood · 02/01/2018 17:10

But no-one has been unkind.

To summarise : A group of 3 friends, who also happen to be friends with lots of other people, both separately and together, and who happen to be in a WhatsApp group with OP and other friends, have had a nice short break together. As many folk do, when doing something nice, they've put a couple of pictures up for others to see.

Normal reaction = "Oh, look, Friends X,Y, and Z are having a nice break together. Looks like they are having a good time. How nice"

Weird Reaction = "How could anyone I'm friends with dare to do anything nice without inviting me to the occasion. I hate them. I'm going non-contact with them."

See the difference ?

Dozer · 02/01/2018 17:23

It is rude / bad etiquette to post photos on small WhatsApp groups of an event to which some of the group were not invited.

Dozer · 02/01/2018 17:24

I wouldn’t end friendships/acquaintanships over it but would be irritated.

It only takes about 20 seconds to do a group message to attendees.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/01/2018 17:28

Question for all the whiners - do you invite everyone you know to everything you do? Are you constantly checking what everyone else is up to and bleating about 'disrespect' if they ever indicate that you are not their top priority?

TenancyTroublesAgain · 02/01/2018 17:30

I'd have to reply "thanks for the invite".

TenancyTroublesAgain · 02/01/2018 17:32

@ReanimatedSGB no, I certainly wouldn't expect my friends to invite me to everything they do. But I wouldn't then send them photos of a trip they had been excluded from...

ChocolateWombat · 02/01/2018 17:35

Not being invited to something is not the same as being excluded.

People are too precious and overly sensitive. It must be exhausting taking offence over little things like this - people must feel constantly slighted.

Why can't people just see others having a nice time and be pleased for them....instead, all this angst and advice to bin them as friends.

Slanetylor · 02/01/2018 19:11

It totally depends on the relationship. If you normally spend New Years together I think they probably should have invited you. But only you know if you would be in that circle. I've had people take offence to things that it never even entered my head to invite them to and I've sometimes been a bit miffed not to have been invited to things too but mostly the groups are pretty clearly obvious to people in them and out of them.

Andylion · 02/01/2018 19:50

do you invite everyone you know to everything you do? Are you constantly checking what everyone else is up to and bleating about 'disrespect' if they ever indicate that you are not their top priority?

The OP didn’t check what they were up to. These friends sent her pics of something she wasn’t invited to. There was no need to use the whatsapp group to share those pics. That is unkind, at best.

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