AIBU feel that my family will never recover from this

[DaughterOfEvening]

Something terrible happened to a close family member. A few years ago. It was a fairly high profile incident and the inquest has resulted in further legal processes.

My eldest child has been utterly devastated by the events but has made it through another year with the help of family, friends & the NHS. Life has just been a series of sad anniversaries. So many family members have been affected so deeply by this and I just cannot see an end to the pain. Adult life was just beginning for my child and the cruel way it was snatched away is something that I feel they will never recover from no matter how much support I can provide.

I truly cannot see that things will get better even with every form of therapy at my disposal. I just think this kind of tragedy is something that nobody can move on from.

I suppose my question is should I just accept that this pain will continue and there is nothing I can do to stop it, I just treat the symptoms & be glad for each day that my child remains in this world, no matter how much pain they are in?

I think you may need to re-evaluate what you mean by 'recover'.

Will you ever be the same again? No, definitely not.

Will you have changed? Yes, absolutely.

Will the change be for the better? More than likely. But this is the main crux of it.

You and your lives are now totally different. If you don't like being in the public eye, then you will guard your privacy to a high degree, and with that comes a wariness of friendships, and any outsiders. It also comes with a loss of existing friendships, because I'm sure the fair weathered friends have already fallen to the wayside, and also you have quite likely cut off those hanging around because they want to be in the middle of something salacious. It can be isolating, and this is difficult. This is often why people change their names and move away.

But, a part of your emotions will have been opened up, and the new facets to you can make you so much more than you ever could have been. More insightful, more compassionate, more aware. Move forwards, with a goal in mind, to be that better person.

someone mentioned upthread a therapy called EMDR. Its very effective in helping you deal with trauma. As I understand it, many traumatic memories are held in a primative part of the brain, which means they can only be accessed in specific circumstances. Because of this, they cannot be processed without the mind being flooded with the same emotions as when those memories were laid down. EMDR helps you activate that primitive part of the brain, while keeping one foot in the present and one foot in the past. SO you can start to process memories without becoming overwhelmed with the emotion associated with them.

three of "my" kids (foster parent) have had this therapy and it has done wonders to help them feel safe and also to reexamine traumatic memories from very young childhood with their more adult heads evaluating things.

for you OP.
Nothing much to add but I too would be glad for every day my child remains in the world. I hope for you all there comes a time when the pain starts to fade.

Froginapond

Based on your suggestion on this thread and your comments on the thread about a woman's husband being accused of an affair, I do not think you are an honest broker.

Didn't want to read and run. My thoughts are with you and your eldest child and whomever else is close to this. I don't mean this to be flippant but as Dory says "just keep swimming". Control what you can control and try to recognise what you can't control, and wait. It will change with time. And take strength from the support of people here who don't know you but are responding to your distress. Hugs.

Was it the partner of your eldest op?

Thanks for responding Kerala2712. You don’t know how much I say this phrase in my head. Just keep swimming...and remember to breathe. At the hospital, on a really terrible day It was the only thing that kept me from screaming like an animal at one point.

I do feel the need to have a level of control but understand that some things cannot be ordered or rationalised. This was my reason for asking AIBU to believe that a constant level of pain will be with us for the rest of our lives. Maybe I’m just not anywhere near accepting what has happened? The incident itself was so shocking that if I told a stranger they would laugh and think I was joking. This isn’t me dropping clues for the super sleuths of Mumsnet. I won’t be able to give any details. I mentioned before there are legal processes relating to the incident (I’m not party to any but my child is likely to be asked for supporting information in court) so I’m being very careful not to invite speculation.

Today was not a terrible day. It was just another really sad day.

Thanks for your suggestion of EMDR. I shall look into this. I’m glad that your kids have found something that works for them.

God OP Whatever it was must have been absolutely horrific, my heart goes out to you but i have no advice I've never known anyone who's been though anything traumatic like what you've all been describing but I just want to say I hope your child finds the help they need and you too

How long has it been since the incident op I'm only asking because sometimes it can take years to even accept something its been three years since my family tragedy and two year s since the subsequent court case and sometimes it still feels unreal.

I have a friend who was involved in the rescue efforts at Aberfan and he says that you don't ever forgot but that over time it just becomes a part of the person you are.

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't sound like it's that long since this event happened and over the years it will get easier.

My younger DD has made several suicide attempts and suffered severe depression and anxiety for six years. We're just beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn't related to a specific trauma.

I felt like I was a lifeguard trying to rescue her only to have her hold my head under water. I contacted the Young Minds charity and had amazing support from them. One of the things I found most helpful was the reassurance that I was trying everything.

A method suggested to me whist dealing with trauma was from the human givings institute called "the rewind technique" it did help me OP 💐

I also agree that a peer group with Children that have been through similar and have managed to get through it (somehow) and are further down the line would help possible and many charities exist to facilitate this

I’m really sorry OP - something are very hard to bear

I remember reading about a child in the Charity Winston’s wish who lost her father very tragicallly and brutallly to ISIS
They were able to provide some support for something that is unimaginable.

The good thing about Aibu is due to the traffic you will come across people who have exeoerienced similar and can share their experiences

I also think that researching every single piece of (valid) advice is a good as if nothing else it will make you feel in action and will provide useful data

Again I am so sorry . One reads these stories and I always think of the people left behind

Without being too corny I say a silent prayer that some peace and hope can come your way - even though things will never be the same

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to give you these . You sound like an amazing parent, I hope that your child will get their smile back and one day you can all start to heal.
Xx

OP you and your family are in my prayers. A trauma, no matter it’s size will forever shape your reality,sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative way. In a way you have to let go of what was the reality of the past and embrace the new reality. Where the trauma has affected the new reality negatively they only way I have found to deal with things is in a piecemeal basis, sometimes trying to tackle the big picture all at once is more than the human soul can bare. Try addressing small things first,

Didn’t want to read and not post. I don’t have anything to add but sympathetic and hopeful thoughts for you and yours, OP. I hope it will get better

OP - my thoughts and virtual support to you.
my family like too many others have suffered a tragedy.

I can recall someone telling us "you have a future. It is not the one you want or the one you thought you'd have. But it is a future and you will amaze yourselves in what you achieve."
I still find that oddly comforting.

Little steps and try to not overthink things - cos stuff will happen if you overthink it or not. Hope you have good support.

My DH suffered a tragedy that was also in the national news, some years ago now. He still suffers everyday and probably always will. It is something that will never go away for us; even now he occasionally gets requests from the media and there are other factors that will come into play in the future and impact us (don't want to be too specific).

But I can assure you it does get better, even if it feels like it will continue in the same way forever. My heart goes out to you and your family. And as a fellow supporter of a sufferer, ours is an incredibly hard task. Look after yourself

Hi OP. My DD tried to take her own life twice, but survived. One thing that keeps me going is trying to use the experience to help others. It may be too soon for you, and it may not even be what you want, but I offer it as an idea for you to consider.

Sending love and strength to all of the survivors of trauma here. And we are many, and we are strong.

OP, my experience has been the the pain does lessen, but it takes a really long time.

In my family, we have had a succession of traumas over about a decade. The landscape of it is desolate now, and all who survived are changed by it. My relationship with my one surviving family member has not been able to make it through. This makes me very sad, but I wasn't able to prevent the damage of the traumas from causing that.

BUT, and this is the crucial bit, I have survived, and I live a rich and fulfilling life.

I had the good fortune to find a bereavement counsellor who saw me safely through the dangerous patches when I believed I couldn't make it. She told me again and again over the years that it was possible to lead a rich and fulfilling life after trauma, and now, at last, I believe her.

EMDR is something I considered but didn't go for. One technique I used a lot, and still do, for times when the images are strong, is to "see" them on a screen in my mind, and make the screen on which they play very very small. So they get to play through, rather than being blocked, but they are more manageable.

Love to you all.

So many experiences of fortitude and courage here. I hope you are able to gain a feeling of strength from them OP.

Thank-you again for sharing your experiences, advice & offering virtual support. I think we all go through life with very little idea of the kind of horrors that some people carry with them until we experience something devastating ourselves. I truly would not wish this way of living on anyone. I’m no martyr by any stretch of the imagination but be glad.

Hope you all have a good night & may your return to work/school/uni/life this week be remarkable only for its ease.