AIBU feel that my family will never recover from this

[DaughterOfEvening]

Something terrible happened to a close family member. A few years ago. It was a fairly high profile incident and the inquest has resulted in further legal processes.

My eldest child has been utterly devastated by the events but has made it through another year with the help of family, friends & the NHS. Life has just been a series of sad anniversaries. So many family members have been affected so deeply by this and I just cannot see an end to the pain. Adult life was just beginning for my child and the cruel way it was snatched away is something that I feel they will never recover from no matter how much support I can provide.

I truly cannot see that things will get better even with every form of therapy at my disposal. I just think this kind of tragedy is something that nobody can move on from.

I suppose my question is should I just accept that this pain will continue and there is nothing I can do to stop it, I just treat the symptoms & be glad for each day that my child remains in this world, no matter how much pain they are in?

Something similar happened to a close friend’s daughter: without going into too many details, one of her relatives was kidnapped (then brutally murdered) as she was supposed to have been looking after her (she was a preteen at the time), and she has been blamed by that side of the family ever since. The girl has had every support but still blames herself and tbh the only thing that has helped is when my friend moved overseas

My child has moved from the home they shared together. Of course the parental home is still here (me, Dad, siblings) moving away is not a option for now. But yes it’s something under consideration.

Going off our families tragedy I don't think sometimes you ever truly recover from some things we are learning to live with it the media intrusion certainly didn't help I hope you and your family find some peace .

Yes that’s been a help. I’ve upset otjer family members by saying I’m just glad that I still have my child in this world no matter how bad the day has been.

Daughter We suffered a family tragedy and that had a horrific ripple effect. Unfortunately you may be the 'shock absorber' in your family and that can be very dangerous for your health. Look after yourself.

A family we're very close to experienced something similar several years ago. There was press intrusion into their lives (to the point where the press were following them, watching their house, chasing visitors asking for information, it was revolting) in the aftermath. The inquiry and resulting court case which made the national press meant they never really had time to process anything in private; their DCs were at boarding schools and even there they didn't feel safe from that intrusion. At the time I think there really was no end in sight; it just kept going and going and nobody seemed strong enough to really lead the others through their grief; it just consumed them all. Once the court had done it's job the remaining family members moved to a new town and began again; the DCs all left their boarding schools and came home and their fresh start meant they were in control of who knew about their life and grief; it was up to them who they told and who they didn't.

It's a cliche because it's so glib, but time, love, kindness and family are the only things which have ensured they all came through. They're none of them the same people before it happened, the DCs have had complications and struggle still. But they're living now rather than existing. They're grieving still and I think they always will. But it's a bearable grief rather than something which takes control of everything. Sending very best wishes that in time you can all come through.x

Thanks for your reply. It is a help.

Just wanted to say I hope things get better for your DS.

It’s something that would be very identifying and my child was also in the news following the incident. I say child but is an adult child. Younger children have been the subject of unkind gossip and one of those is slightly newsworthy because of their career.

Yes that’s my concern. That none of my family will ever fully recover. I am in some ways willing to accept that. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s very kind of you.

it can and will change.i can promise you.but there are ways of putting thins in place to it doesn't change for the worse.
love is key here and you seem to have that in trillions with the support you mention you have from those around you.
I truly believe and have witnessed that in things like this the support,love,family,care is the be all and end all to getting through.becasue no matter wat you have an army behind you that will pull you through no matter what hits.
you don't need to accept it will be this way.more accept that for now it is so how can you help and keep afloat right now.
many of us have happy lives and then are hit.but how would our ok parts be if we were always expecting shit to hit the fan.so you simply have to live right now and make it all it can be.
the same with you.right now its not good at all,so don't dread it might always be like this,what if it changed.what if something got better.a smile,a kind word.an event could make a little difference.or one day your dc might wake to feel "ok I got this" you just don't know.
so for right now you have to live and make it all it can be.
keep looking for support groups.is there a specific charity to what you've been through that you can contact?they might be able to advice you.
could some hypnotherapys.relaation therapy,ptsd councillign help.this could be that second armouring that could help with whats happening.
with the occurance of time.memorys.events.all things change and ripple onwards hun.so tomorrow wil lbring a slight shift even if you aunawre of it yet.
slowly families and people start to reform round it and ajust and mould to do a new way.it might not have been one you planned.and it will hit hurdls but it doesn't have to be as devastating as you fear it might.but it takes lots and lots of love and support.
yes some people after trauma can go downhill.but not all.and it can be stopped.im not exactly sure how.i don't think there is a magic cure/key.but its lots of things as families and supporter that we can builf to recover that persons faith and strength in lie again.
your dc can get through this.i promise.
is there any things that might seem simplistic to other that you could do.becasue they are small enough to be manageable.
any dreams.hobbies.outing your dc would love to do.anythign to help them see there is life outside the trapped hellish box they feel in.

I think you’re right about being the shock absorber. I may use that term. Thanks. GP has been fantastic in both the immediate aftermath and still now.

Some of that sounds familiar. I’m pleased to hear that there’s a slim possibility of living rather than just existing. I do hold onto things like that. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

It might be worth investigating EMDR if not already pursed it. I hope your family finds some recovery.

I've NC for this, but I've been involved in a high profile violent crime, that was reported nationally.
It was a long time ago, I can't say I've 'fully recovered' but as the years pass it becomes more distant and it's effects / memories are less able to shock and distress me. Sometimes though the memories do come back crystal clear like it happened yesterday, but it is less and less frequent.
It is always there in the background and has shaped me as an adult.
I'm not sure PTSD ever completely recedes but my experience is it becomes more 'tolerable' as the years go by.
So sorry to hear you child has been Suicidal.

I feel for you so much op. It must be very hard.

I have been through a lot of trauma although I'd imagine I've experienced different things to what your family went through. EMDR helped me a lot, as did getting the right therapist.

The thing that has helped me the most is being creative. I am alright if I can make things each day. It doesn't matter what that is, but it turns a difficult day into something easier. I knit and seeing something beautiful growing on the needles is fundamentally very healing. It wouldn't exist without me and is something positive and innocent in a very dark, scary world. I garden for the same reason - there is something so healing about planting a tiny seed and watching it grow and nurturing it so that it produces flowers or fruit. I used to sing in a choir and producing beautiful music had a similar effect in me.

These might seem like the most trite things and as if they won't help with massive trauma but they really, really do. I'm no longer depressed or suicidal and I was seriously so for about 13 years. I noticeably go downhill if I have a break from creating things.

Ultimately I think certain things always stay with you and there are times when you'll always feel sad. But as long as there's life, there's hope and it is just about finding the (simple) things that give you joy and take you out of your own head for a bit. It's helped me hugely finding friends with similar experiences too. We don't have to try hard with each other. We don't have to fudge over how we're feeling. We can just be honest and speak up when one of us is struggling.

I'm so sorry to hear this happened daughter and also all other posters who been brave enough and kind enough to share their experiences.

I have no advice or experience but wanted to let you all know I've read your stories

I'm so very sorry to hear how your DC is suffering OP, as a mum you want to protect your child and would do anything to take away their pain! After what happened to my own DD I realised I had to get help for me before I could help her and the best advice I got was that she would have to figure this out for herself. We have not told family or friends and still have court proceedings ahead and dark days too, I try to take it moment by moment and like you I thank god I still have her! Take care 💐

Sending you hugs and good wishes for strength and resolution.

Thank-you to everyone who has replied, shared experiences and offered support. You may have guessed that I haven’t posted before. I don’t know what I was expecting but thank-you. I have some thinking & talking to do.

Thinking of you OP, sending you love and strength.🌹
One day, in the future, you will achieve a new, but different kind of normal.
We are always here for you, to chat, listen, or just a hand hold.
Please be kind to yourself.

As a family we suffered a traumatic event 17 years ago tomorrow actually. All i can say is time. I know it sounds cliched but time is a healer to a big extent. It dulls and numbs things down. Don't get me wrong you are never the same person you once were but time heals to an extent. Take baby steps forward if you can. Hugs to youxx

So sorry to hear this OP and I can't begin to imagine what you are all going through. In response to your question 'though it brought to mind what Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross says about grief and loss - that you never really 'heal' from it, nor are you ever the same again, but that you instead rebuild yourself around the loss/tragedy/trauma that you have suffered. I think that this is something positive to hope for, for your daughter and indeed for all of you. Thinking of you and hoping you can find some peace in 2018.

Does your son feel responsible for what happend op?

Or daughter. Apologies