To not return to this group with gobby friend

[Isitnearlyxmas]

I have a child with autism, as does a friend of mine. We decided to join a support group that runs regular coffee morning type sessions where you can chat to other parents and get advice on autism related issues. We attended our first session just before Xmas.

This friend is very self confident, opinionated and can talk incessantly whereas I'm far more reserved until I get to know people better. At the session she totally held court talking about her child and their issues making it hard for anyone else to get a word in. Unfortunately, the woman running the group didn't seem to pick up on this and indulged her, actually seemed in awe of her. I tried to join in a few times by making comments or asking questions but felt swept aside and the conversation quickly returned to her. I was left feeling deflated and really don't want to go back to the group with her but know she will expect me to.

WIBU to join a different group and not tell her?

I guess I should've known better as this friend is always like this. For example, we went to look at schools together and I left without all the info I wanted because it was all about HER and HER child.

While I guess it's nice to have a friend in the same boat, I find this friend fucking irritating at times and feel I want to distance myself, although I think she means well. She also thinks she's the authority on ASD and badgered me for months with links and evidence that my child was on the spectrum , although it turned out she was right! She's now doing it to someone else and while I can see why she thinks their child may be on the spectrum really think she should wind her neck in!

It's not a healthy friendship by the sounds of it. Yes, join another group.

I wouldn't call her a friend, perse. Join another group. YOUR comfort and YOUR child need to get the benefit of what YOU are doing.

She's found hers, you go get yours :)

There’s a genetic link for autism. And monologuing and a lack of social awareness is a trait.

She may not be able to help it. But you should also go where you are comfortable to get help.

I might have a word with the organiser / facilitator to ask her to do what she can to ensure this person doesn’t dominate, or yes, join another group. Her behaviour may well have annoyed others too, and some of those people might be potential friends for you.

AgainReally is right.

You sound really jealous of her and that makes for an unhealthy friendship.

I’d go elsewhere for support, for schools, everything really.

Why on earth would op be jealous of somekne who is self obsessed and monopolizes every thing they do together?
She isnt a real friend. She thinks she is more important than everyone else and only what she wants matters

Either speak up and make your wishes known or join another group and start distancing yourself from this woman. She sounds far too overhearing and hard work.

I'd agree with AgainReally, this may well be because she's on the spectrum herself rather than thinking she's more important. I know someone very similar who is the mother of an autistic child, and it's quite difficult at public meetings when she won't shut up and can't perceive that she's monopolising the discussion and shutting other people out. That said, you need to put your child first, so I would definitely agree with looking elsewhere for support.

I also agree with Dozer. Someone facilitating this type of group really ought to be aware of the increased likelihood that parents will be on the spectrum and should be trained in how to deal with this type of problem tactfully.

Feel free to find another group but ime there is always at least one person there like your friend who completely dominates and it's very rare I have had any advice or info from those groups. They tend to be run by parent volunteers. The training sessions run by the NAS are much better imo. There are still people there who want the whole session to be about them and their circumstances but it was much more reined in because it is structured in a way where everyone gets to speak.

I would distance myself from her and go on your own.

But op, there was both stopping you asking questions about the school.

Your friend may have thought you were getting all the information you needed.

Sounds like she was actually thinking of you, had spotted your child was potentially on the spectrum, which she was.

It’s perfectly plausible that she is on the spectrum, and (although I have absolutely no idea if this is the case) you could have tendencies yourself

I think she means well, she sounds like my oh, yes it’s irritating, but when I bring it to his attention that he’s being bombastic and monopolising, he reins it in.

You and she could be great allies, you could work WITH her to get her to find things out from people when you’re not up to peopling

If we have kids on the spectrum and don’t know it, they won’t get the understanding and support they need to minimise the issues autism can present them with.

My oh dc has traits and it’s not diagnosed, but I’ve spent enough time with other friends autistic dc for it to be abundantly clear to me. Approaching the dc with the knowledge of what’s going on REALLY helps me relate to them.

If I didn’t know this, I’d have found the child to be unbearably annoying with their name dropping, disregard for the needs of others, the repetition of things/stories, the pestering and multitude of fears and issues about the most obscure of things.

Knowing these are all within the field of autism (although I’m certainly no expert at all) helps me appreciate what dc is going through and to help dc find tactics to overcome the issues, or manage day to day things better so dc fits in well and is relaxed and chilled.

You need as much of a network as poss op. Her hearts in the right place I think.

But Hissy, talking over somebody, and dominating the group, is not something that op likes, and she sounds like she would irritate me. It is better for op to do things on her own. I have a dd who has ASD, I prefer to do things on my own for this very reason.

I'm in the same boat in that I have a son with severe autism.
I'm shy in group situations, but I admire those who have the courage to speak out
I'm sure your friend doesn't realise how you feel and is just trying to also gain support on your behalf.
If you have a quiet word with her I'm sure she will understand and likely be mortified that you feel that way.
It's clearly unintentional.

I’ve been to two different autism support groups and found there’s always a mum who dominates the conversation. They’re usually quite pally with the organisers and are allowed to take over the conversation. It’s annoying, but I’m sure lots of support groups have that dynamic. I’d rather just use the online ones.

I think, if you are finding yourself overshadowed by your friend all the time, such that you are not getting information you need, or support you would like, then you absolutely do need to branch out on your own and find your own support network.

It does sound as though Gobby Friend's heart is in the right place, but that doesn't mean you have to do everything with her!

Do what is right for you and your DC.

I have a child with ASD that is part of a bigger chromosomal issue, so lots of health issues. I have been to multiple support groups and have stopped as there is ALWAYS at least one parent like this, constantly wanting to relate their story (even when we've heard it 2 million times) and interrupting/interjecting their opinion when 'expert' speakers come along. I don't think they are trying to help or are not aware of social rules, more they are using it as a platform to get some attention. It's such a shame as otherwise the group would be good!

There is also the "competitive" parent that has had it 10 times worse than anyone else and needs to remind everyone fifty times an hour.

Also the parent who knows more than any expert in the whole wide world and uses terms such as 'deluded' and 'misguided' when talking about expert opinions.

As you can see I'm over support groups!

I hear you Wanderlust - I gave up on support groups to due to competitive parenting too.

Absolutely Wanderlust. I saw one parent say that she didn't know why a parent with a suicidal hf child was at the group because their child could speak and therefore wasnt properly autistic.
I think these groups are like anywhere - there are some more reserved people and others who like the sound of their own voice. Very frustrating when the quieter people are unable to get advice because some loudmouth needs to give their life story to the one new member of the group that hasn't heard it.

Not so long ago I moved onto online groups to find that the loud/competitive/know-it-alls were on there too! At least though you don't have to actually listen to them and can skim over their prolific posts.

I've never been anywhere as unsupportive as the asd support group I once attended. There was one awful woman who kept telling me how bad life would be and how ds would be excluded from everything. He was tiny at the time. It terrified me. (Life was not like that at all.)

And yes to competitive sn parenting. It used to happen to a certain extent on the sn boards on here, years ago. Not helpful for anyone really.

Oh I bet very much that there is competitive parenting going on in the groups, but I wonder if the op has actually said anything to the other person to the effect that she is taking over a bit?

I know my oh dc won’t consider they are being rude unless we say something

Start thinking of her as an aquaintence and not a friend.