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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not return to this group with gobby friend

49 replies

Isitnearlyxmas · 01/01/2018 10:40

I have a child with autism, as does a friend of mine. We decided to join a support group that runs regular coffee morning type sessions where you can chat to other parents and get advice on autism related issues. We attended our first session just before Xmas.

This friend is very self confident, opinionated and can talk incessantly whereas I'm far more reserved until I get to know people better. At the session she totally held court talking about her child and their issues making it hard for anyone else to get a word in. Unfortunately, the woman running the group didn't seem to pick up on this and indulged her, actually seemed in awe of her. I tried to join in a few times by making comments or asking questions but felt swept aside and the conversation quickly returned to her. I was left feeling deflated and really don't want to go back to the group with her but know she will expect me to.

WIBU to join a different group and not tell her?

I guess I should've known better as this friend is always like this. For example, we went to look at schools together and I left without all the info I wanted because it was all about HER and HER child.

While I guess it's nice to have a friend in the same boat, I find this friend fucking irritating at times and feel I want to distance myself, although I think she means well. She also thinks she's the authority on ASD and badgered me for months with links and evidence that my child was on the spectrum , although it turned out she was right! She's now doing it to someone else and while I can see why she thinks their child may be on the spectrum really think she should wind her neck in!

OP posts:

Msqueen33 · 01/01/2018 21:34

I’ve got two dc with autism. I did go to a support group for a while but found some of the stories quite hard to hear. Maybe your friend is on the spectrum herself. Sounds like someone I know who talks at you. Maybe go back and view the schools yourself or email the questions you weren’t able to ask. Courses run by our local council team ended up being divided as it became like that as the divide of kids maybe it hard for people to relate but yes there is some degree of competition. I’m “lucky” I’m surrounded by parents of NT kids who find parenting so exhausting sigh

gamerchick · 01/01/2018 21:34

is there another group you can join? I work for a SN mainly autistic charity and there aren’t many groups that cater. Could you maybe branch off while you’re there?

CurryWorst · 01/01/2018 21:37

For example, we went to look at schools together and I left without all the info I wanted because it was all about HER and HER child

But thats not her, that's you. You went to look at schools and didn't get the info you needed for your child because you just stood there while she talked.
She might be a bit OTT but you not only go around with her, you use her as an excuse for not doing things yourself.

shatteredandfedup · 01/01/2018 21:39

I have been to multiple support groups and have stopped as there is ALWAYS at least one parent like this

That's not my experience. The ASD coffee mornings local to me have lovely people at them. No one dominates.

wanderlust99 · 01/01/2018 22:11

shattered please tell us where that one is and we will join it

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/01/2018 22:24

Bit harsh Curry. It is really difficult when someone literally doesn't shut up. I've been to groups very keen to ask a single question and not been able to get a word in and I'm no shrinking violet! Unless I stood up and screamed 'would you for the love of God shut the fuck up for 30 seconds so someone else can speak' there was no way this particular woman was shutting up.

DotCottonDotCom · 01/01/2018 22:34

This is why I actually don’t do well with asd groups, whether it be for the parents or the children. Everyone may have something in common but on the other hand everyone’s circumstances and children are so different. They also put so much weight on my shoulders that I didn’t know until I stopped going and just enjoyed our little world.

CurryWorst · 01/01/2018 22:36

I don't think so. It's that fact of it, plus OP chose to look at schools with her friend in the first place.

Some people like to have "friends" around them that they can use to blame their own issues on. Too shy to speak up....oh its not my fault, its my "gobby friend" stopping me. Yeah right, convenient. Why would you bring that friend to important things re your children then, unless they provided you with something?

Flappyears · 01/01/2018 22:36

Out of interest, are they peer groups or is there a facilitator you could email afterwards, not mentioning people like your friend by name, but just asking if they could set up some rules so that everyone has the chance to talk? This might include small group work and feeding back or just everyone joining in but limiting questions from each person/or having the facilitators intervene if someone dominates?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/01/2018 22:41

Well we don't know the circumstances. Maybe the op invited her friend or maybe she mentioned she was going and the friend invited herself and took over.

CurryWorst · 01/01/2018 22:43

to multiple events? Come on now, why so determined OP has no responsibility here?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/01/2018 22:45

Why so determined that the op has purposefully sought out someone she's finding an absolute pita?

Ohyesiam · 01/01/2018 22:46

Ime, there's one in every group. So maybe talk to the group leader about shutting her down a bit.

CurryWorst · 01/01/2018 22:48

Because she clearly has! If someone had actually prevented you from getting necessary and important info about a school for your kid, why would you then go with them to a group for support for your kid? You wouldn't, unless they were providing something you need.

Actually re reading the OP it looks more like OP is envious of her friend, complaining that she was listened to in the group while OP wasn't. It's a weird and unhealthy friendship on various levels.

CurryWorst · 01/01/2018 22:50

Ime, there's one in every group. So maybe talk to the group leader about shutting her down a bit

She went with her to the group. They are supposedly friends. How could you go to a group leader you just met and ask them to shut up your friend that you came to the group with?

wibblywobblyfish · 01/01/2018 23:06

I used to go to one as I have two boys with ASD. We did group outings in the summer holidays, we would hire a coach and take advantage of the concessions and group discounts etc. Being a group of parents all with children with varying degrees of autism you don't expect amazing behaviour - there was one of the mums who you mention, who was very dominant in the group, she also had a son with more severe autism than my eldest and he would regularly let off a really shrill scream and flap. Not a problem, however my son had vocal tics and can be quite twitchy - dominant Mum told him off for making a noise!! I was agog! I stopped attending after that, it was turning into a competitive misery fest.

DotCottonDotCom · 01/01/2018 23:23

Being a group of parents all with children with varying degrees of autism you don't expect amazing behaviour
This is my problem with groups too. One of my DDs (she was very young!) got utterly battered in seconds by an older boy because his parent seen the venue as a sanctuary I guess, and left him to it! I don’t know who I felt worse for! It opened my eyes - ASD is so varied that these groups sometimes just don’t work like you’d imagine.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/01/2018 23:40

It's not clear at all. We know very little about the dynamic aside from a few posts on here. You seem to be projecting a lot. Has a friend accused you of being dominating perhaps? Or are you THE friend?

Lizzie48 · 02/01/2018 00:08

It's impossible for us to know what the dynamic is between you and this 'friend'. She isn't really a friend, you just happen to both have children on the spectrum. You probably would both do better not to go to the same support group.

Yes, it's possible that this lady is on the spectrum herself, but I think it's unwise to attempt to diagnose it on mumsnet with so little information.

Hissy · 02/01/2018 08:28

I agree with curry but I’m not about to be as Direct.

There is no point going to any of these meetings and not asking the questions you need to ask. I don’t get the sense that op has actually used the opportunities she’s had to get answers, I don’t believe she’s asked the friend to let her speak a bit, or indeed expressed that she struggles to make herself heard (for whatever reason) and would appreciate some help somehow- she could ask the friend to ask the questions for her tbh.

Or it could be a matter of deep breath and asking a question and taking it from there

Inkanta · 02/01/2018 09:03

I find you get these characters in all walks of life. The ones hold court and bring all conversations back to them, and don't let you get a word in edgeways. I don't have a lot of tolerance for them and avoid them where I can.
OP - I would give her a wide berth. Join another group if possible.

GeorgieBoy95 · 02/01/2018 09:31

Really interesting thread. OP - take a deep breath and say to your friend that you need a chance to talk too.
I have family members like this and it is really frustrating.

CurryWorst · 02/01/2018 11:47

You seem to be projecting a lot. Has a friend accused you of being dominating perhaps? Or are you THE friend?

Yawn. Someone says that to someone on every thread. I'm not the one projecting, Little Miss Meek and Mild.

Some people are just really wet and use others as a sheild for it.

Hissy · 02/01/2018 13:28

There are plenty of people who attend things, don't open their mouths to ask questions because they don't feel comfortable doing so - for whatever reason, but that doesn't automatically make someone who IS there to gather information and support and actually DOES ask questions 'holding court'

As I see it, the other woman has known for a while that her DC is autistic, therefore has more questions/queries. She's also seen the same in the OP DD and has (correctly) identified her as having autism.

the OP says she doesn't speak up for herself 'until she knows people more'

she also attended a school meeting and didn't speak up then either, despite it being the exact time to do so.

None of this makes someone else in the wrong necessarily.

It's perhaps a lesson for the OP to speak up on behalf of herself and her DD and to ask the questions she needs answers to. To go to these places and not use them to the best advantage and then moan about it IS rather wet I agree.

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