Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my counsellor?

30 replies

IncreasinglyMisanthropic · 01/01/2018 01:58

I started therapy recently, had about six sessions so far and thought it was going well up until the last two. I thought I had found a therapist whose approach worked well for me and I would be able to continue a therapeutic relationship with for the foreseeable future.

However, my therapist recently informed me over Christmas that she doesn't think she will be able to continue seeing me anymore due to scheduling issues. I don't know if it's just my anxiety (one of the reasons I sought therapy in the first place) at fault but I have a feeling she is trying to palm me off? When I started therapy she was pretty adamant we could make our respective schedules work somehow to continue therapy but then a few weeks ago she quite coldly and abruptly tells me she doesn't think it's possible.

I know everyone probably thinks they're not a difficult patient but I honestly don't think I am. I don't contact my therapist between sessions, only once via email when I wanted some links to online resources. I'm not suicidal, never have been, don't have a history of trauma etc. so I'm kind of baffled as to why she is so keen to offload me as a patient.

There have been a few awkward moments where I'd found it difficult to talk about certain subjects and also when she has been seemingly mildly irritated by me not taking her advice but other than that, no fireworks to speak of.

I'm particularly annoyed and upset at the situation as I've discussed some abandonment issues I have stemming from recent life events and it just feels like someone I'm paying to see me once a week for an hour is abandoning me now too. I know it sounds melodramatic but it's how I'm feeling right now.

So, AIBU to worry I have done something to get on the wrong side of my therapist/make her uncomfortable? It would be great to hear from anyone who has had therapy as perhaps they might have more insight into my situation but really I'd just like anyone's opinion as I don't want to discuss this in real life with anyone in my circle. Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
ReadyForGoodNews · 01/01/2018 02:08

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP, although I think I would've had the same thoughts if this had happened when I was in therapy.
It might be that something suddenly came up in her life, that she can't discuss with patients.
In my experience, a therapist wouldn't shy away from difficult cases anyway, and if she felt she can't handle it because of inexperience for example, she should have talked about it with you.
Anything could have happened in her life to cause this change, I don't think it's you.

Caulk · 01/01/2018 02:11

I’m 6 years into therapy. Before her I’d seen some great ones and some odd ones, and I’m yet to meet one who would lie about why they couldn’t meet with me. If she says it’s scheduling, it’s scheduling.

MoistCantaloupe · 01/01/2018 02:13

No it will be her, not you. if you’ve done anything she doesn’t like, or if she feels you aren’t committed, she would just tell you - that’s a really standard part of the job. Don’t worry that it’s your fault, it really won’t be

Weezol · 01/01/2018 02:14

A decent therapist, even if it was a scheduling clash would say something along the lines of:
'I have reviewed our last six sessions and I don't think I am going to be the most beneficial person for you to work with. May I recommend you to X (a colleague or organisation) as I think they may be a better option'

She sounds, at best, unprofessional. Find a new therapist.

MoistCantaloupe · 01/01/2018 02:15

I have had lots of therapy- forgot to add!

steff13 · 01/01/2018 02:16

I agree with the PPs. She's a therapist, she isn't likely to lie about why she can't see you any longer.

Original poster
IncreasinglyMisanthropic · 01/01/2018 02:26

Thank you all for the responses so far. It's good to get different perspectives on this rather than just playing over all the possible reasons in my mind why she wants to terminate therapy and how it must be my fault!

Most of you seem adamant that a therapist wouldn't lie about something like this and I'd like to believe that too. However, it is the very quick turnaround between her saying we could work something out then stating it won't be possible unless I take time off work weekly to meet her (something she knows I won't do as I've told her I never discuss my anxiety with employers).

She also seemed quite distracted in our last therapy session, usually she provides more input and sometimes talks more than I do but she just seemed very subdued. The whole situation is so strange, I thought everything was going so well at first.

OP posts:
Original poster
IncreasinglyMisanthropic · 01/01/2018 02:28

Also, would it be totally inappropriate to raise my concerns with her about why she is terminating therapy or will I just come across as unhinged?!

OP posts:
bayseyan · 01/01/2018 02:31

I wouldn't ask why since she has told you already. It is very unlikely that she has lied about her reason. You could ask if there are any other therapists she can recommend for you.

CarysMa · 01/01/2018 02:32

Has she realised that she knows or is related to somebody you mention?

six weeks is too short a time for her to be irritated that you've made no progress. So even if you've found the therap y hard, she couldn't possibly be reasonably annoyed by the fact that you found it hard (ie, got irritated or defensive) so maybe she just wants to cut back on her hours and is shedding the newest patients. oR PATients who need her the least.

TheStoic · 01/01/2018 02:32

Of course you can ask her! Say exactly what you’ve said here: ‘You originally said we could work our schedules out, but now you’re saying that’s not possible. Has something changed your mind?’

But honestly it does just sound like a schedule conflict. She should, however, be giving you some referral options.

LeaveAllThisToYesterday · 01/01/2018 02:35

Another one here saying that, if she's even a half decent counsellor, she won't lie about why she's unable to see you. Being truthful about any issues 'in the room' is a big part of training from early on. I'd also say it would be totally appropriate for you to voice your concerns - if nothing else it sounds like she may need to review how she gives such messages in the future.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/01/2018 02:37

Sounds like she's having a crisis in her personal life.

I'd ask her "what should I look for in my new therapist?" "Can you recommend anyone" "What do you think I should focus on with the new person?"

user1483887562 · 01/01/2018 02:42

i would be annoyed too. The last thing you need from PAID therapy is to question your worth as a paid client. Dump that therapist find a more suitable one. Good luck.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2018 02:43

It's fine to ask her but she may not be able to tell you. If, for example, she realised she was already seeing someone you knew she might not be able to continue with one of you and wouldn't be able to say she's already seeing X because that would breach their confidentiality. She may also have had a sudden life change that means she can't be as flexible as she thought she could be and it may be something she doesn't want to discuss with clients.

If she thought it was you, or that she doesn't have the experience to help you, she would find a way to have that conversation because that in and of itself would be therapeutic.

It's fine to be annoyed with her, and it's fine to bring it up with her in session.

Original poster
IncreasinglyMisanthropic · 01/01/2018 03:18

No, I don't really name people I talk about in therapy and to be honest, I don't know many people and my family is tiny so I think it's highly unlikely that has happened. I also assume she would have to tell me if that was the reason? At least if that was the case and she told me, I would know it was out of my control whereas at the moment, everything is very vague.

I hadn't considered, as a few of you have said, maybe she is cutting her hours in 2018, that is a perfectly plausible explanation.

I've been thinking about it and every meeting we've had has gone over by at least 10 minutes, the first by about 20 so I guess if I was so loathsome she would want to get rid of me on time and not spend that extra 10 minutes trying to help me (unless she was over-compensating). Maybe I am just being paranoid.

I'm waiting to hear back from her at the moment about this issue so I will possibly raise my concerns directly with her, depending on her response of course.

OP posts:
Skowvegas · 01/01/2018 03:54

Definitely raise your concerns with her.

When I worked as a counselor I did have to take some time off because my (third) pregnancy was much more difficult than I'd expected.

She might well have her own issues.

BitOfFun · 01/01/2018 03:58

You should definitely calmly raise your concerns. She will be pleased to be able to honestly address your concerns.

MajesticWhine · 01/01/2018 08:34

It won't be about you. But YANBU to feel as you do. The only way to deal with this is to tell her how you are feeling about it and disclose what you have said here, that you are thinking what have you done wrong etc. And to ask that despite the scheduling issues you need some sessions to process this.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/01/2018 09:12

Ugh
What a horrible therapist
Sorry but a few things you said raised alarm bells for me

It’s hard to find a decent one . I defiantly advise get a new one and go via recommendations
I have a very good one I used to use she does Skype sessions and I have passed her onto a few friends

Keep going and please don’t give up there are good ones out there Flowers

CheeseyToast · 01/01/2018 09:42

Oh don't be hard on yourself, it is more likely that something has come up for her. Could be anything! Mine got sick and died! Man, I was so pissed off...

Straycatblue · 01/01/2018 10:53

She also seemed quite distracted in our last therapy session, usually she provides more input and sometimes talks more than I do but she just seemed very subdued. The whole situation is so strange

It could be she is having her own personal problems that she his struggling to deal with and hence cutting her hours/sessions.

You could ask her about it if you feel it might help, but don't get too caught up in the drama of why it is happening, of course it is upsetting as you will have to start from scratch again with a new counsellor however the reasons are not likely to be anything to do with you and you just feel that way because of your background with abandonment issues. If you feel able, try and problem solve the situation by being proactive in getting another counsellor.

Be aware that she may not tell you the reason, she is entitled to her privacy as well.

He11y · 01/01/2018 11:17

The therapeutic relationship is so important and I’d be very wary of a counsellor who is not managing her caseload well. It may well be she is reducing her hours or she expected other longer term clients to decrease or finish therapy soon and they haven’t. She should be honest about it though and just saying it’s a scheduling issue is a cop out but it does sound as though there was doubts from the start as she said she could work something out. It’s poor practice to take you on under those circumstances.

You would not be unreasonable to discuss it further with her but, in my humble opinion, you may be better off focusing on finding another therapist.

Experience has taught me its useful to check out potential therapists carefully, particularly if they have a list as long as your arm of problems they say they can help with. This is even more important if you have attachment or abandonment issues - I don’t want to knock any therapist but a lot of them simply won’t have enough experience in these areas and the impact of even minor scheduling issues on some clients.

I’m not sure what you are seeking therapy for but don’t be afraid to ask them what experience they have and how they will help you. Also, tell them from the start about your abandonment fears and how important it is they are consistent and reliable.

Sorry you’ve had this experience but don’t let it put you off - most therapists don’t pull stunts like that!

Lastly, if you talk it through with her and she suddenly finds space in her schedule after all, would you be able to trust her enough to benefit from the therapy? It may be worth being clear with yourself what you hope to gain from the conversation if you know what I mean?

sadie9 · 01/01/2018 11:27

I would say it's a scheduling issue. She probably doesn't want to work the hours that you are available. You are not prepared to take time off work she is not prepared to work with the times you have available. It's nothing to do with you as a person.

ReadyForGoodNews · 01/01/2018 13:56

You can definitely share your thoughts/feelings about this change with her. In fact I would think it's part of a therapeutic relationship even one that's ending, especially one that's ending.

I’d be very wary of a counsellor who is not managing her caseload well
Maybe but this might not be the case. Counsellors are human individuals with lives and unexpected changes happen to them too. And they don't always have to give all the details to their patients. If her DH just up and left her for example, it would be ok to say she has an unexpected personal situation and she needs to change her schedule.

OP it still sound like an unexpected scheduling issue to me. What you're saying about your feelings is the expression of your own investment in this relationship, fair enough of course but it doesn't mean it reflects how your therapist feels.

I'm not sure she would have to tell you if she was seeing someone you know etc, I think that would breach confidentiality.

I still think the best way to address this is to talk to her about how you're feeling. Ask for recommendations if you like but personally I wouldn't ask what I should focus on with the new person etc.