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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I just give up? Is this the end?

36 replies

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 19:34

Agghhhh long story, but in short, have a male 'best friend'. He then became a 'friends with benefits'.

So this went on for 4 years. This year he declared his undying love for me. I responded with how it was such a bad idea because I had teens, he didn't have kids, I couldn't meet his lifestyle (like 4 holidays per year) because my money goes on university etc etc etc

Then I thought 'f**k' what have I done? Messaged him, you know what, you are right, let's give it ago etc

He comes back with 'no you were right, it would be to complicated etc

Since then, we've been out for several meals, done activities, been to the cinema and even went to London last weekend for 2 nights.

But what do I do? I really do love him. But it's like tonight, he knows I'm in with my boys, yet he's going out (which doesn't bother me) and I text him and said 'Happy New Year incase the lines are busy tonight' and he just text back 'Happy New Year Too X'.

He texts me every morning around 6:45-7-00am to say good morning. Texts throughout the day. And texts me last thing at night to say goodnight. I counted over a few days and we send between 130-350 texts each day.

My head is saying 'wake up smell the coffee,if he wanted to be with you he would'

My heart is saying 'if he didn't want you around he wouldn't spend all day texting you, he wouldn't take you out for meals etc, he wouldn't spoil your boys and he wouldn't take you away for weekends and spoil you with your fav gifts'

MN tell me what to do............... (be gentle please)

OP posts:
LokiBear · 31/12/2017 19:36

Move on with your life. Stop the friends with benefits and if he initiates it, tell him it's all or nothing.

Redcliff · 31/12/2017 19:38

How long ago did he say "you were right - its to complicated". Does he want kids? And you don't?

travailtotravel · 31/12/2017 19:38

Some kind of Richard Gere scenario where you sweep him off his feet?

Boulshired · 31/12/2017 19:38

In fairness to him, he asked and you rejected him. He may have felt hurt and is now protecting himself.

cakeymccakington · 31/12/2017 19:40

talk to him!!!!

i'm seriously going to just write this on most of the threads in AIBU

you both need to know where you stand. if one wants a relationship and the other doesn't then you need to work out what happens.

but right now you're both kind of telling each other different things

Babbitywabbit · 31/12/2017 19:41

I think after all this time, if the two of you wanted a relationship, you’d be in one.
The fact you’re not, suggests that deep down you know you don’t want that. He sounds like a great mate to have as you have shared interests... was it a mistake becoming FWB?

AnotherWorry · 31/12/2017 19:42

But he is with you.

You are a couple.

Sounds like a lovely relationship.

Does it have to be more? Or can you be happy with things as they are?

AnotherWorry · 31/12/2017 19:43

I'm assuming your still sleeping together?

How old are you teens now?

AnotherWorry · 31/12/2017 19:43

You're

lurkingnotlurking · 31/12/2017 19:46

Oh that's all very complicated. Does he have anyone else in his life? Do his messages to you get fewer when he is with someone else? I also think you should stop being friends with benefits and see what then changes.

Sparklesocks · 31/12/2017 19:47

Do you actually meet up and do couple things? Are you sleeping together still? Or is it just texts?

If it’s just texts I’m afraid it might be that he’s probably enjoying having someone paying attention to him, but is keeping his options open.

KitKat1985 · 31/12/2017 19:55

Are you still sleeping together? If so, then stop unless he agrees that you should be a 'proper' couple.

Deeply confused how anyone finds the time to send hundreds of text messages a day

maddiemookins16mum · 31/12/2017 19:58

How can anyone send 350 texts a day!! That would be a full time job!

SassySausageSupper · 31/12/2017 20:01

130 texts a day!! That is madness. How do you do anything else other than just text all day?!!!

user1495222250 · 31/12/2017 20:03

You really do need to talk to him and tell him what you're feeling, what you'd like to see for the two of you going forward. If he doesn't want to be in a full time relationship, though, but to continue as you are, can you accept that? You have a lot to think about. It seems to be causing you a lot of concern, so I don't think it's something you can just allow to go unsaid.

Original poster
Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 20:21

Answer some of questions:-

  1. we are in our late 30's
  2. yes we are sleeping together
  3. the you are right it's too complicated- was about 3 months ago, 2 weeks after I had said it's too complicated then changed my mind.....
  4. yes I did reject him and it did hurt him he has told me that
  5. was it a mistake to become friends with benefits? Shoot me now MN- we were both in relationships when that happened and we are both now single..........
  6. my teens are almost 14 and 18 (and love him- 14 year old asks the other day 'why don't you both get married? I love dad, but you are both better together?' Pmsl
  7. no one else in his life. He will text me the whole time he's out with mates, I've been invited out, and invited to 'family' get to gethers.
  8. trust me, from 6:45am- it is real easy to send that many texts! Lol ending at 2am......

Half of me is screaming walk away, the other half, but if he didn't want to be here he would have walked totally..... but then am I kidding myself???

OP posts:
Original poster
Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 20:31

Oh yeah, we meet up and go shopping, to the cinema, for meals, even bloody food shopping! lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 20:32

To be honest I don't think I can carry on as we are. I think deep down, it's all or nothing. But I'm afraid that if I say that, he'll walk away. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
lurkingnotlurking · 31/12/2017 20:36

You're having a relationship in all but name. It might be worth pushing for a decision before you reach a point where you are far more in need of one than you are now. Yes, he might walk. And that might create a space in your life that you can fill eventually with someone else. The only question is: how serious is he? I understand your need to find out

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 20:39

I think you need to say to him face to face, not via text, it’s all or nothing. I want to give it a go. You sound pretty much like you’re already there anyway. How much difference would it make? And if he wants the extra hols that you either don’t want to or can’t go on, does it matter if he goes away once or twice without you? He may even pay for you to go too.

I just think lay it out there.

Original poster
Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 22:54

That's what I'm thinking too. A all or nothing conversation. I need it for my own head! Im just scared he will walk and I will lose him forever.

Anyone would think I'm 17, not 37 lol

I do have days where I think 'that's it I'm not contacting him', the he texts and before I know it, there's been 200+ texts. Agggjhhhhhh

I'm so good at telling anyone else- leave him he's not worth it, he obviously doesn't want to be with you and so on. Now I'm in that position it's bloody difficult!

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 23:35

But he clear does really like you. You’ve just both convinced yourselves it’s not working when it kinda already is. Happy new year, Ross and massive fingers crossed for you x

Original poster
Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 23:45

Going to sound stupid, but I'm giving him until the morning. If he texts me tonight whilst he's out, he's thinking of me, if not then obviously I'm not too important to him.

Either way I'm going to give him the ultimatum- it's all or nothing.As I can't go into the new year, as just the occasional shag for the next x number of years.

Happy New Year to you All and I hope 2018 brings you everything you deserve xXx

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 01/01/2018 00:17

If he texts me tonight whilst he's out, he's thinking of me, if not then obviously I'm not too important to him.

That’s a bit arbitrary. Just talk to him!

ZipItZebedee · 01/01/2018 09:33

If he texts me tonight whilst he's out, he's thinking of me, if not then obviously I'm not too important to him

That's a silly way to think. This is a guy you hang out with and sleep with to judge a relationship based on something so inconsequential is daft

As lots of other posters have said you both need to sit down and talk about what you do and don't want.

Ps. I hope he didn't text last night anyhow