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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DD is out of order

46 replies

Thisistakingthepiss · 31/12/2017 13:10

DD21 is home for Christmas. DS20 is suffering with clinical depression and has been talking about suicide over the holidays. This is obviously very stressful for all of us. A few days ago we discovered that he was smoking skunk and after some lengthy discussions and advice from mental health professionals, he decided to take on board the advice given that it was making his mental health worse and decided to throw his weed away. DD was aware that this had happened.
Last night DD had a friend over, talked to her about what had happened and then the pair of them decided to rifle through the bin so that friend could have the weed. I noticed this as the rubbish had obviously been disturbed when I went out to the bin. At first I thought DS was responsible but he denied it, so I asked DD who explained what she and friend had done. I said that this was completely unacceptable and that friend should leave. She can't understand why I am upset and annoyed and has left the house with friend in a foul mood.
I don't think I'm wrong but please tell me if I've over reacted.
Thanks!

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:13

I don't really see the issue. He threw it away, he didn't want it. Her friend did. What difference does it make to anyone that it left your house in her pocket rather than in a dustbin?

Wilburissomepig · 31/12/2017 13:15

YADNBU. Of course she's out of order. I would have disposed of it elsewhere though, rather than in an inside bin, but that's beside the point.

FrancisCrawford · 31/12/2017 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Thisistakingthepiss · 31/12/2017 13:18

That was the point DD was making curry. I think because of the devastating effect it seems to have had on my son, I just wanted to think that it was gone and not doing any more harm to anyone. I accept that people have different views on smoking weed, but I don't feel comfortable having any part of it under the current circumstances.
Do you think that makes sense? - I'm grateful for alternative perspectives at the moment as things have been difficult and I'm feeling very on edge generally.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 31/12/2017 13:19

Well I totally see the issue and don't blame you. Apart from anything it leaves a trail of illegal drugs leading right to your door, and puts your dd in the role of dealer.

Next time flush drugs if you want them beyond use btw.

WunWun · 31/12/2017 13:20

I'm not sure really. Its only really an issue because you were worried your DS had taken it back out, presumably that's the only reason he knows it's happened? If they had just taken it and no one had noticed it wouldn't be an issue.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:20

I do see your point, but I also see theirs. You could have calmly explained your position and asked for it to flush it or whatever. There wasn't any need for an arguement about it.

ATeardropExplodes · 31/12/2017 13:20

In future, flush it.

Original poster
Thisistakingthepiss · 31/12/2017 13:21

wilbur - it was in the outside bin. Tbh I didn't really know what we should do with it!
Francis - that's what I thought - it just seemed to be taking advantage of his difficulties

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:25

Think about it in other terms: if you had a nice bottle of whisky, an expensive one, and decided you were drinking too much and it wasn't good for you so you are going to pour it down the sink...would you be angry at a friend who said "hey don't waste that, I'll take it if you don't want it"?

I imagine you would say that whiskey and weed are not at all the same, but to a lot of people there are exactly the same. Your DD and friend probably didn't think they were doing anything that anyone would mind about.

Original poster
Thisistakingthepiss · 31/12/2017 13:25

you could have calmly explained - that probably would have been better, but I think lack of sleep and hours of sitting with my son while he's battled his suicidal thoughts have taken their toll so I'm not doing calm very well at the moment.

OP posts:
RavenLG · 31/12/2017 13:31

Apart from anything it leaves a trail of illegal drugs leading right to your door and puts your dd in the role of the dealer

We’re most likely talking about a coupe of joints worth of weed here, DD hasn’t suddenly turned into a Kray twin.

Exactly what Curry said, dds friend probably saw it as a a waste.

Original poster
Thisistakingthepiss · 31/12/2017 13:33

DD doesn’t want to accept what you are saying because it shows her up as being an inconsiderate numpty - that's basically what DH said to her - she didn't take it well.
I don't want to have a massive falling out about it, but I want her to understand that this doesn't sit well with me and to be more thoughtful

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:37

Well if you want her to understand your point of view and see its validity, you should do the same for hers. She isn't a child.

Original poster
Thisistakingthepiss · 31/12/2017 13:38

if you had a nice bottle of whisky, an expensive one, and decided you were drinking too much and it wasn't good for you so you are going to pour it down the sink...would you be angry at a friend who said "hey don't waste that, I'll take it if you don't want it"?
That's an interesting analogy, but I think if drinking had brought me to the point where I was so mentally unwell that I wanted to end my life, I think the friend witnessing this desperate state and then asking for the whisky would be taking the piss to see this as an opportunity for free booze.

OP posts:
IntoTheFloodAgain · 31/12/2017 13:38

For me the issue would be the possible legality issue of it all, imagine if the friend tells someone she got it from your house but not how she got it, it could cause all sorts of problems. Or if she was going through similar depression and her family found out about the weed etc
But I’d say it’s a small chance of something like that happening (without knowing you all personally!)
A pp has compared it to alcohol, if someone wanted it so much to rifle through the outside bin I’d feel they had a problem, though.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 31/12/2017 13:38

I don't think you're unreasonable OP - I'd feel the same if it was an alcoholic brother whose whisky had been taken too. It's hardly supportive.

thecatfromjapan · 31/12/2017 13:38

I get it. At the very least, she's acted like a massively insensitive arse, who really hasn't grasped what all of you are going through.

I'm sure she's lovely most of the time. But this was not lovely.

Hey - it's brilliant that he's taking steps to dealing with his MH issues, though. Smile Skunk use is linked to MH issues, especially depression, so this is a massively positive step.

Your dd was a twit but I'm sure she'll grow out of it.

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 13:45

Each to their own and all that, but I would have been mighty pissed off.

Also dd and her friend would have had a huge lecture about (a) smoking it (b) taking it (c) not supporting her db.

(And I say that as someone who used to smoke it (and take other stuff) as a teen- a lot. But I grew up, and have seen the devestating effects a 'little bit of weed' can have)

RhiannonOHara · 31/12/2017 13:45

YANBU. It's hugely insensitive and unsupportive of her. And I agree with you about the whisky analogy –very well articulated!

But big congrats to your DS and you for taking steps to deal with his drug use and his health. Thanks

SendintheArdwolves · 31/12/2017 13:45

Technically, since the weed had been thrown away, what difference does it make if someone retrieves it and uses it? If it was anything you felt "neutral" about - old clothes, books, etc - I don't think you would have had this reaction.

But I can totally see why it has upset you - the weed is a very emotionally charged symbol of your DS's issues, and by throwing it away, you all feel more hopeful that things are going to improve. By fishing it out and putting it to use, you feel that your DD has disrespected her brother and reframed the weed as a "treat" or something desirable. You maybe worry that she isn't taking his weed use seriously or isn't 100% on board with his recovery.

This has clearly been a difficult time for you as a family, and maybe having a bit of a shout at your DD has been about a lot of things, not really the weed and what happened to it.

If you can tell her (calmly) exactly why you feel upset, without expecting her to necessarily agree with you (you can understand another person's point of view even if you don't share it) then hopefully you can all move on.

HermioneAndMsJones · 31/12/2017 13:48

Who is so desperate for a skunk that they would go through a bin to find it? Confused

chocolateworshipper · 31/12/2017 13:54

As the parent of a teenager who was suicidal for several months, you have my heart-felt sympathy. I totally understand why you feel the way you do, but your DD probably doesn't get the importance you have attached to getting rid of those drugs. I wish you all a more peaceful 2018 x

ReggaetonLente · 31/12/2017 13:58

Sendin has it, 100%.

Petalflowers · 31/12/2017 14:05

I would have reacted the same way as you. DS is ill, and you have taken measures to improve the situation, and dd is not respecting this.

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