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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DD is out of order

46 replies

Thisistakingthepiss · 31/12/2017 13:10

DD21 is home for Christmas. DS20 is suffering with clinical depression and has been talking about suicide over the holidays. This is obviously very stressful for all of us. A few days ago we discovered that he was smoking skunk and after some lengthy discussions and advice from mental health professionals, he decided to take on board the advice given that it was making his mental health worse and decided to throw his weed away. DD was aware that this had happened.
Last night DD had a friend over, talked to her about what had happened and then the pair of them decided to rifle through the bin so that friend could have the weed. I noticed this as the rubbish had obviously been disturbed when I went out to the bin. At first I thought DS was responsible but he denied it, so I asked DD who explained what she and friend had done. I said that this was completely unacceptable and that friend should leave. She can't understand why I am upset and annoyed and has left the house with friend in a foul mood.
I don't think I'm wrong but please tell me if I've over reacted.
Thanks!

OP posts:

wednesdayswench · 31/12/2017 14:14

YANBU

DD is not putting DS first or respecting his decision. Friend sounds like bad news too.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 14:16

You’ve thrown the weed away. It therefore wasn’t stealing...

Is this a sign of her not being supportive? Idk.

I mean, a ‘healthy person’ (withou MH issues) smoking anoint every once in a while doesn’t seem comparable to what’s going on with your DS. And it doesn’t sound like she and her friend intended to smoke it in your house? That would be inappropriate imo.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 14:19

Is she an otherwise supportive sister? If yes... I wouldn’t be too upset.

Howeve, if your DS has a negative reaction to weed and MH issues...then your DS really shouldn’t consume it either. Not because that wouldn’t be supportive but because it could have a v negative effect on her MH as well.

Have you talked to her about this?

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 14:21

*a joint
Not anoint....

*However, if your DS has a negative reaction to weed and MH issues... your DD really shouldn’t consume it either.

Bluetrews25 · 31/12/2017 14:23

Well, at least it has gone off the premises now, so DS can't be tempted to sneak out and retrieve it.
Take your positives where you can. In a strange way, they may have done him a favour. Would it help you to forgive to look at it that way? (Though I do see how you regard it as insensitive!)

ourkidmolly · 31/12/2017 14:24

I definitely wouldn't be supplying anyone with skunk (which is very different to standard weed btw) in my house. The link between mental health problems and skunk is well documented and severe. Frankly it sounds very bizarre to me that your daughter thought that was ok to do. It sounds to me like you've been too liberal with accepting your children's drug use. I wouldn't be that impressed if my son or daughter came home from a friend's house with skunk. I don't care if they are 21 and an adult. It's filthy stuff.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/12/2017 14:25

I agree with Sendin. I think that weed symbolised more than a random item thrown away.

However for your DD it doesn’t necessarily have that implication. Nor her friend.

MillennialFalcon · 31/12/2017 14:36

YANBU. I think your DD was inconsiderate and insensitive to her brother's issues. Of course when you saw the rubbish was disturbed and the skunk gone you would've thought he went through the bin for it, causing worry for you and an atmosphere of mistrust for him. She should be trying to minimise stress on him when he is suicidal not creating stress by implicating him in something he didn't do. It was also unfair for her to talk about his private problems to her friend since it's obvious the friend isn't supportive. I know it's a difficult time for the whole family but I think that she should be more worried about supporting her brother's recovery than getting her friend high for free. Hopefully she is just being stroppy because she is actually embarrassed about her behaviour and will eventually calm down and apologise.

notangelinajolie · 31/12/2017 14:41

You are absolutely in the right. Your house, your rules and I'd have sent her friend packing too.

Original poster

Thisistakingthepiss · 31/12/2017 14:50

Thanks for all the replies. This has been really helpful in terms of thinking through how i feel and what i would like to happen.
I think she was unsupportive and unhelpful but I think she probably doesn't see the significance of her actions in the same way that I do.
I doubt she'll be home for a while but hopefully we'll be able to have a calm conversation about things when she returns

OP posts:

GardenGeek · 31/12/2017 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 14:56

Btw, I really do think you need to have a talk with DD. Not just about her being supportive (which I personally can’t judge, seeing as this one incident isn’t particularly damning imo) but also about her possibly consuming cannabis and the impact it could have on her mental health / whether it could trigger something.

As far as I know there has been research that suggested a clear link between cannabis consumption and later occurring MH issues (including depression) for those with a genetic vulnerability. (Which could be the case for your DD considering this whole situation, couldn’t it?)

ElephantsandTigers · 31/12/2017 14:56

It smacks of the "friend" taking advantage of your son's vulnerability but also his strength and desire to try and get well away from drugs.

specialsubject · 31/12/2017 14:57

as someone else said, being so desperate for a drug that they would rummage through a bin means it is time for an honest look in the mirror. And I would say the same if it was alcohol.

the very best to your son who despite depression is prepared to listen. Your daughter and her equally foolish friend should be ashamed of themselves.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 14:58

You don't need to be a desperate addict to have a look for something in the top of a bin!

Waddlelikeapenguin · 31/12/2017 15:04

YANBU at all I also imagine your anger is increased by the worry that another of your children could suffer in the same way

there are strong genetic links to the type of brain chemistry that is vulnerable to skunk etc I think your DD should be able to understand this if you can discuss calmly.

I hope your DS recovers well

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 31/12/2017 15:06

That is absolutely horrendous behaviour from your dd and I would sit her down and give her a really good talking to about how serious the situation is with your ds. Stupid, thoughtless and immature.

My blood still runs cold when I think of the Christmas that my dsis tried to kill herself 5 times as a result of clinical depression plus weed. I spent my time lying in bed with her after an over-dose while my parents were calling a ambulance; replacing a door which my dad had to smash down to stop her from hanging herself; on the phone endlessly trying to find a free bed in a suicide-ward...

Thank goodness it doesn't seem to have got to that terrible place with your ds, but it sounds like your dd has no idea how serious and awful these things can get.

Willow2017 · 31/12/2017 15:07

Considering the circumstances i think your dd was being totally inapropriate.

Did they smoke it in your house?

Perhaps if dd had asked you first and her friend had taken it away you might have felt different although i get the whole 'giving drugs to dds friend issue'.
Once you have all calmed down sit down with dd and explain that you are beyond stressed with your sons illness and suicidal thoughts and that the weed was part of it. Her taking it was like she was minimising the effect it had on your son and making it into a fun thing. (Explain that to her friend it may well be but its ceryainly not to you at this moment in time)

I suspect you are all sitting on powderkegs with stress and this was just the thing that set you off.

I am sure dd will understand and is also worried about your ds.

I do hope you all have support to get through this terrifying time and that 2018 brings him and the family peace of mind and some joy.

StillWorkingOnACleverNN · 31/12/2017 15:18

I hope your DS comes out of this OK, and you too. Your DD is being insensitive in a way that seems normal for her age (though some people that age are more aware/sensitive. I definitely was not). You are right to show her that you are upset and point out what she did wrong. When she's 50 she'll understand!

UnRavellingFast · 31/12/2017 15:27

Agree with those who have said it was insensitive and rather stupid of dd to have done this.

Also it is very disrespectful to ds and the family in that she had clearly been chatting casually about private and very serious issues. It comes across as very uncaring and disrespectful to her brother. She'll understand when she's matured a bit I imagine.

Good luck to your ds and all your family.

Bubbaleo · 31/12/2017 15:56

DD and friend are behaving like very small children, before they learn right from wrong. Totally unsupportive of yourself, dh and ds. Irresponsible, unsupportive, inconsiderate and selfish! Don't make excuses for her. Of course she sees the significance of her actions, unless she's really thick! You must be worried sick as it is, OP. Hope she has a good think and look at herself. Send her with ds to his next appointment and let's see what the professionals think about her actions?

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