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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep reminding stbxh

39 replies

WasDoingFine · 30/12/2017 22:17

Stbxh left me for OW 6 months ago. The DC go to his alternate weekend's and maybe one or two evenings during the week. We have worked out a school holiday schedule.

But.... he never remembers arrangements. For example he messaged me on 3 separate occasions over the last couple of month's to ask when he was having the DC over the Christmas holidays.

Another time he didn't turn up to a medical appointment for ds1. I messaged him with what had been said and he told me l should have contacted him and reminded him. On that occasion l did get cross and told him l don't do "wife work" anymore. He turned quite nasty.

So.. AIBU to be getting fed up at having to remind him about arrangements and if l'm not how do l start getting him to take more responsibility at remembering

OP posts:
Iflsido · 30/12/2017 22:18

Only thing that works for us is a shared a calendar.

Only about the kids - on iCloud. Once it's there it's clear for all to see.

Candlelight234 · 30/12/2017 22:20

Quite right too, no more 'wife work' for you.
It's not upto you how he manages it, he needs to work this out himself. He should write it in a diary I guess, but it's not upto you to suggest this.
I would text him once to inform him of any appointments, no reminders either.

MilesHuntsWig · 30/12/2017 22:22

What an entitled twat. He should be organising his life not you! Who cares if he gets nasty (as long as you/your DC are safe obvs) you should tell him once and that’s it. What are you, his unpaid PA?

Original poster
WasDoingFine · 30/12/2017 22:23

He wanted me to do this when we were married and so l would have all the responsibility to keep it updated.

I refused as l don't see why it's my job to ensure he knows what he's doing. I also don't use an online calender and have a paper diary. He does have an online calender which is meant to sink with his work one..... but doesn't always.

OP posts:
Original poster
WasDoingFine · 30/12/2017 22:24

I joked and said I'd get him a paper diary for xmas.... but he said he'd forget to wrire in it

OP posts:
Original poster
WasDoingFine · 30/12/2017 22:25

So what do l say the next time he wants to go over the arrangements?

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 30/12/2017 22:25

Shared calendar is a good idea. GoogleCalendar is great for this. However, I highly recommend keeping backups in case he decides to delete in anger.

Otherwise as others have said. DO NOT do any more reminding. That's not your job and your are providing him with fodder for using it to put you down with your dcs.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 30/12/2017 22:26

Stop doing the mental load, not your job. Tell him once.

They are his children, it depends how important they are to him.

Iflsido · 30/12/2017 22:28

I completely understand your POV but would it make YOUR life easier to put stuff in a shared I calendar directly related to your ds?

That way you'll know it's seen and no reminders needed? I find it helpful as ex has kids eow so it's on repeat. Easy to look and see which weekend in sept 2019 is free for us to have a break away (for example). No arguments. Computer tells us what's happening when.

honeysucklejasmine · 30/12/2017 22:28

Don't go over. Just refer him back to "email/text I sent you on X date"

Mxyzptlk · 30/12/2017 22:30

How does he cope with work arrangements? He needs to do the same for family arrangements.

Don't remind him of anything and let him take responsibility for any disappointment to the DCs.
But maybe don't schedule medical appointments for 'his' time, as it's a bit much for DCs to miss those.

BewareOfDragons · 30/12/2017 22:34

If he can hold a job, he can sort out his own personal schedule, too.

I hate men that are like this. And it is mostly men ime.

Let him sort out his own calendar or offer ONCE to set up an online joint calendar just for children's stuff.

Annechristmas · 30/12/2017 22:38

I used to have similar problems so I put any info in an email to him so I just tell him to look at that. It's also good for when he tries to say I haven't told him about something.

Everytimeref · 30/12/2017 22:44

My DH has similar issues with his ex. She never remembers the arrangements. He has to remind her every time and she is the parent with most of the care. Don't think it's gender specific!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2017 22:44

I wouldn’t go looking up emails/texts for him. Manchild.

MumW · 30/12/2017 22:47

I'd probably resort to emailing him appiontments and other dates relating to your DD. Use the same simply heading (say, New Date in DD's Diary ) so he can easily search his inbox. Make it clear that this is the only notification he will be getting and any further organisation need for him to attend is his responsibility.

Original poster
WasDoingFine · 30/12/2017 22:48

All contact is via messenger so it's already written down.

He found sorting out EOW taxing and got it wrong in the beginning too Hmm

I just get fed up with the "mental load" of having to remember everything. He even forgets when he has asked to change contact days as he was on his works Christmas do.

OP posts:
Candlelight234 · 31/12/2017 00:04

So he asks you to 'go over arrangements', you say 'it's all on text, look it up'. End of, that way he can't bat the mental load back into you.

Original poster
WasDoingFine · 31/12/2017 07:33

I know he'll not like that and will get aggressive saying I'm being difficult but l need to do it.

Everyone forgets stuff at time - l know l certainly do which is why my diary is superglued to my hand - but the one time l wanted clarification over a bill, he turned stroppy saying that we have already discussed it. Reason l needed clarification was because all Bill's were being transferred to my name as everything was in just his as l wasn't "allowed" to know about anything to do with the house

OP posts:
Rightsaidmabel · 31/12/2017 07:45

(Sync , abbreviation for synchronise.)

drspouse · 31/12/2017 08:09

Are the DCs old enough to have an account themselves?
Just set one up, you only have to do the regular things once. Set it to email him (not you) a reminder 24h before appointments.
Also if possible an email to you if something changes.
Either that or suggest he employs a PA since maybe that's how he copes at work?

Pengggwn · 31/12/2017 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drspouse · 31/12/2017 08:24

I did say to keep a calender as someone who likes having a shared calender BUT it would be more work for the OP not to have one and for him to keep "forgetting".

drspouse · 31/12/2017 08:29

Also - I know a lot of people use Messenger etc but I do feel that official communications should be via email, as it's a lot easier to send to a solicitor or copy them in.
We have tenants and only use email. Including with the clueless ones who couldn't work out how to change a light bulb, 9 times. Then we can copy in the EAs.

Jerseysilkvelour · 31/12/2017 08:30

My ex was like this, always wanting me to remind him of all he arrangements. I think it's a bit of a control thing as it gets you to be in contact all the time. You need to train him!

The way I do it now is - he gets informed ONCE of arrangements he couldn't be expected to know about e.g when I've made a Parents evening appointment. If he doesn't make a note of it or take notice of it, that's his problem and I don't respond to repeated requests to confirm arrangements. This always results in him miraculously finding the information i had sent him already.

Anything he could access himself (school newsletter texts etc) I expect him to arrange to access himself. In the beginning I told him he needed to contact the office to arrange this, he didn't sign himself up and then realised half way through the school year that I wasn't passing on info I'd just say "it's on the newsletter" or not reply.

Regular access arrangements I will not reconfirm. Bloody well remember it, it's the same every week!

I did consider a shared calendar but realised this was actually going to mean me doing all the work again. And anyway we have one child with very little variation in her routine.

He's just about got the message now.