To not keep reminding stbxh

[WasDoingFine]

Stbxh left me for OW 6 months ago. The DC go to his alternate weekend's and maybe one or two evenings during the week. We have worked out a school holiday schedule.

But.... he never remembers arrangements. For example he messaged me on 3 separate occasions over the last couple of month's to ask when he was having the DC over the Christmas holidays.

Another time he didn't turn up to a medical appointment for ds1. I messaged him with what had been said and he told me l should have contacted him and reminded him. On that occasion l did get cross and told him l don't do "wife work" anymore. He turned quite nasty.

So.. AIBU to be getting fed up at having to remind him about arrangements and if l'm not how do l start getting him to take more responsibility at remembering

Oh and there's no need to tell him you won't be reminding him, especially if this makes him turn nasty. Just stop doing it.

The problem with messenger is that it's hard to search through things in the list upthread.

I second the emailing. Each week either me or the ex will email the other with a list of who is doing school run, where he is overnight, any clubs/events etc. It's partly to make ourselves remember as we don't have set days. We do have a good relationship though so we're in contact with each other most days. Should work with you just telling him keys points once a month without a further reminder.

Thank you everyone. It's really good to read others thoughts and solutions.

We are in contact every day - l've had more contact in the last 6mths then in the 20 yrs we were together

Another thing he does, is just tell me when he won't be seeing the children. For example he will just tell me he is going away on holiday xx week so won't see them. Or another recent one was that he'll be returning the children early as he's going out.

I want to be fair and to remain amicable but surely it's polite to ask if that's ok and not just tell me that's what will be occurring

Damn right he needs to check with you! You should inform him that, unless it’s agreed with you in advance he can’t just change the standing arrangements. He needs to check with you whether he can book a holiday/night out. You’re not his babysitter. If he needs childcare during his time with the children he should arrange it. What an entitled fuckwit.

Fuck's sake. I have one of these. I email every arrangement, never talk to him and refer to the email, forward it again with no comment if he asks again. If I think he might forget to pick up the DSs at the right time etc due to changed arrangements like clubs, I get the DS affected to text him.

He sent me a stroppy email once because I hadn't told him about term dates. I just reminded him that I got the information from the school website, which he was perfectly capable of checking for himself. Tosser.

Oh yes, he tried the just telling me he wasn't 'available' to have the DSs (when he was on holiday) instead of asking. I told him I wasn't his babysitter. If he couldn't keep to the agreed schedule he could either ask nicely for some flexibility or arrange his own childcare for his contact time. TBH I always agree to have them because I miss them when they are with him, but fuck being treated like a babysitter.

I have an ex like this too. He blames me for not telling him information which comes to both of us in messages from the school. I always have to be 2 steps ahead to foresee where he might forgot something. I only do it to avoid DC missing out on things and not to help him out. Get no thanks of course. And I'm the babysitter when he has 'commitments' that mean he has to cancel contact.

Yes l too feel l always have to be two ateps ahead so that the children don't suffer

Infuriating but worth it for the kids

It was one thing that always infuriated me about STBXH - that l always had to do all the organising and remember everything.....
And was never ever appreciated for it.

So l certainly don't want to continue enabling him now. It is hard though to stop as l like to be organised and to know what is happening. I don't like not knowing what is happening as it makes me feel incompetent..... for example - going to the school meeting and him not turning up.

I had exactly the same issue with ex. I would tell him about arrangements and then he would get angry with me for either not having told him (when I did) or that I should have reminded him and somehow, it was always my fault.

I resorted to emailing him and that was that, if he forgot, his problem. He managed not to show up to any play/parents evenings and the rest. I think blaming me was just a good excuse to hide he just wasn't bothered.

By the time DD was about 8, she took on the role of reminding him of things. It still didn't change anything, he still complained that he was never told! Some people you can't change!

Stbxh is a good dad and does want to attend things but l think he has got so used to me sorting everything out and being the default babysitter for everything.

Since he left in June he has asked for a lot of weekends to be swapped as he had "plan's" and l have done as l had no reason not too. When I'm being nice like that he is pleasant. My concern though is if l stop being helpful he will become really obstructive if l did plans altering for any reason.

*did need plans altering...

Tell the fucker to fuck off with the constant reminding. Or get him to get OW to do the arrangements seeing as he thinks this is "wifework" and beneath him. Don't let him get away with being nasty to you.