To feel left out?

[lonelymum86]

Have NC for this... but a regular poster and contributor.

We live on a lovely road. My DH and I work hard and fairly long hours but we’ve managed to get to know a few parents at DC school on the limited school runs we do.

Lots of parents from the school live on our road. I don’t go on Facebook very often (and now I see why I would be none the wiser) but a group of 4 couples who live on our road and have DC our age at our school I’ve just realised (I’m totally oblivious on the school run obviously) have become really good friends and have started doing couple things (evenings out - drinks at each other’s homes).

I know I shouldn’t be bothered people can be friends with whoever they like so IABU. But I’ve had all their kids round for play dates and we’ve chatted at mum’s drinks and I really thought we had built a connection and saw or see a couple of these mums as friends. Anyway I know you’re all going to tell me to stay off Facebook and also IABU to want to be included. My DH and I have large families but I suppose no one is nearby and I really hoped to build up a local network of friends.

I do have friends but in lots of different groups and there does seem to be a fair few groups of friends but DH and I not part of any of them (I’ve been Facebook stalking) I wish I had the time to make my own almost - but these people are on our road. I don’t know if I’m being a bit needy and desperate. I suppose I am. So AIBU to feel left out?

YANBU.
Maybe they don't like you/ want to socialise with you/feel you have much in common except kids.
Maybe they or their husband's have been friends for years.
Maybe you give out a self-contained/busy vibe so they don't think to include you.
If you would like to be included invite them round. If they decline you know where you stand.

Isn't it a pity that as adults we can't just go up to someone in the playground, ask them to be friends, and skip off hand in hand?

Have you asked any of the adults round to your house? Why don’t you try asking them to yours and see how it goes and if you then get included?
If they see each other daily on the school run they might have found it easier or one couple might have asked another couple over and it evolved from there.
They may have assumed that you weren’t that interested in making friends with them or that you’re too busy.

Organise something , see how goes - be proactive if you don't meet them under the normal circumstances and it bothers you. Maybe then you'll be included. They might just think you're too busy or not know you enough to arrange anything

Mabey they know each other more, as thry may be SAHP, or work school hours. Why don't you invite a few to go out for dinner, or coffee.

Yanbu..

As you acknowledge, they've not done anything wrong but that doesn't mean it isn't hurtful. I've had similar in a large group of friends. It's nobody's fault but they're basically 'not that into you'. The pain comes from you not liking them more than they like you. Perhaps time to look elsewhere for the closer friendship that you want? That's what I've done.

Sorry, that 'not' before liking shouldn't be there!

Thanks everyone. I think I probably do give off a busy vibe - I suppose because we are.

Least IANBU. I really felt a bit stung. I think it’s cos of course we all live on the same road. Yes 3 of the 4 are SAHMs. I know one mum works for herself.

I do have friends and we struggle to meet with them. My DH is so busy. But yes I think I should invite round. Thank you for your advice . I also think I shouldn’t go Facebook stalking again!

Invite them round. Don’t mention the FB thing.

Sometimes it's just that a group gels, and they don't want to upset the dynamic - so not personal at all, and they may well really like you! I'm part of a group with an occasional extra, as it were, who got to know us later. I like them all equally, but the original group have a shared history and ease that makes for a v different atmosphere, if that makes sense?

I hate this. People assuming they should be included in everything without making a real effort. If you really want to move in the same circles choose to host at your house and invite all three couples.

I had a similar thing. There are three of us in my street with boys the same age. I've helped both with breastfeeding support and they've picked my brains about child stuff as I have two.
I've had them both to mine for coffee and thought we all got on well.
I later found out they had regularly met up without me
It does hurt but you have to move on. Find your people who will like you and want to hang out.

I’ve had something similar recently, we’re friends with two other families. We all have children in the same year at school. Unless I arrange it we never get invited out on day trips etc. The mums are my best friends so it’s really starting to sting and I’d love to know why we never get invited

I feel particularly peeved at the moment as it was DS’s Birthday recently. He is more friendly with one of the children than the other and numbers were limited. So as to not look like the other child was excluded I told DS he was invited, limiting the number of friends he could choose. It felt the right thing to do.

However within two weeks of DS’s Birthday there’s been 2 outings ( which he would have loved) with no invite for him. So I’m now annoyed with myself that I did what I did about his party.

I’ve now deleted Facebook as it was a kick in the teeth to see the check ins and photos. It’s actually really nice to not have it anymore! I’m oblivious to what’s going on so not beating myself up anymore. I’d really recommend it!

My New Years resolution is to not be so stupid again, no one cares if DS is left out, so why should I ( although I know I won’t ....)!

Similar again here. I have found that because my DD goes to breakfast and after school club most days I do miss out on a lot. Having said that on my days off in the holidays I've often invited several kids round as my DD is v sociable and it's nice for her, however starting to feel like I'm free childcare as it's rarely reciprocated and that makes me feel sad for my daughter.

No harm in asking them round, if they come and include you, then great, but if they make excuses etc you know where you stand. Or you could continue just seeing them on their own/with kids and see how it goes.

I think it is so much more difficult to handle when children are involved especially if you know your exclusion means your child’s exclusion. Before children I would not give a shit about friendship groups and not being included and would definitely of not wanted a neighbour friendship group but having children involved does bring an insecurity that never used to exist.

I don't really get the problem?

Do you think the other couples should be including you every time they arrange to do something socially.

If so, YABU, I'm afraid.

I strongly suspect the reason lies in the long hours you work. If three of them are SAHMs, they've had much more time to chat to each other at the school gate, meet up for coffee etc. They may well respond positively to efforts from you to socialise.

Have you asked any of them over or hosted any social gatherings yourself?

I think I need to be proactive and invite people round. I don’t expect anything just I suppose feel a bit stung because I have had the kids round.

In some ways we are super busy and have little time. With work, kids stuff, family events and fitting in the gym not much time at all. I suppose though I want the invites without the hard work from my end to cultivate friendships so yes IABU!

I think it's probably just that you're less present, you're out of sight, out of mind. I'm a SAHM and I would normally meet up with my friends quite a bit for breakfast and coffee. At the moment the school run is disrupted because of building work so I haven't bumped into my friends as much and therefore I haven't met up with them as much either. Even though we all have each other's contact details, it's when we pass each other at pick up/drop off that reminds us that we haven't chatted for a while. If we don't physically see each other, we don't arrange to met up.

Be careful what you wish for op.
When we moved to a lovely estate, all the neighbours were as thick as thieves (4 /5 couples) it was only when 1 dw went off with 1dh we discovered the swinging parties that had gone on. And broken up 2 marriages!!

@Tinselistacky sounds like there is a book to be written!

I don't think you ABU for feeling a bit left out but I suspect that they have just had more opportunities to develop a closer friendship.

We are in a similar situation and accept that because we are not around at the school gates, we tend to be busy at weekends and don't have an easy babysitting option we aren't included in some of the group nights out etc. I don't think we're particularly objectionable but just aren't around at the same time. These friendship groups tend to develop over time and thorough ongoing shared experiences.

I'm happy to chat to the others and the children will play together if they are all out on the street but that's probably as far as it's likely to go. If you want to be included you may have to start with inviting people round to yours.

Awhile back I was in a similar position and used to watch as they all met up at the school gates and went walking together in the mornings. Went out together at the weekends etc and I felt really left out and lonely.

However it all went sour there was a big fall out etc and in the end I was glad I wasn't part of it.

There does seem to be fallouts. But it’s from old groups becoming new groups - certain people being left out. I’m generally secondary to this news. I suppose I do see it unfolding in front of me. This group though all live on my road and it’s just sad because I genuinely thought we were mates.

Life is busy and I know we struggle to fit stuff in. I’ve taken on board advice and think I need to start inviting people round. Dinner party later in the year me thinks!