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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband not supporting going back to work

35 replies

gg1234 · 30/12/2017 15:41

my hubby is very non supportive and it seems all he wants is a maid to do house chores and look after kids .I want to get back to work asap ,I have a 4 year old and I want to send him to nursery for half days so that i can get some space .My hubby doesnt want child to go to nursery and also he wishes to have another kid asap .Today he sat explaining me that I am just being selfish if i dont give my child sibling .I said Hello .I want another one but only after i start full time job .AIBU ?

OP posts:
Elsiejane · 30/12/2017 15:46

No YANBU.
You have every right to want to go back to work and i think nursery is neccessary for little ones. It teaches them to share, it teaches how to cope without having mummy there 24/7.
I went back to college twice a week for 8 hours each day when my son was 8 months. He went the nursery for the full 8 hpurs each day too and its done so much good for the both of us.
I have a break and something to focus on and he has a great time playing, eating, sleeping!
Children are hard work, even just the one. Its completely reasonable that you would want to find yourself again and bring in more money before having another one.
Did you work before your son?

Elsiejane · 30/12/2017 15:49

Also - your DH sounds like an arse (no offense). Not giving your child a sibling doesnt mean youre selfish, it means you want to give your son everything rather than spreading yourself thin. Does he not understand how hard children are to have. It is your body and if you are not ready to carry another child for 9 months, then birth said child and raise them. You do not have to. What if you ended up with twins, a 5 year old and fuck all money because he wouldnt allow you to get a job?

arethereanyleftatall · 30/12/2017 15:50

Yanbu.
If your dh wants another child then he looks after him/her. You don't get to have any say in the decision if you're not going to do the work.
Are your salaries vastly different?

thethoughtfox · 30/12/2017 15:52

Tell him you are happy to consider it if he gives up his job or goes part time and organises childcare to accommodate it. Tell him to really think it through and work out the details cause you two are a partnership and this is important to him. If he earns more money than you potentially, then he needs to work out how to make savings to make it work.If he ins't prepared to consider this, he's selfish isn't he?

Original poster
gg1234 · 30/12/2017 15:53

Not full time but part time work but I have contacted agencies and they are ready to give me work in the new year .I am super excited for the change .But seeing my hubbys behaviour who has not taken any break in his career makes me sick .I feel to be left alone .

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 30/12/2017 15:53

Sounds like he wants you tied to the house by a new baby in time for your first child starting school and the possibility of you getting any freedom. I think in your situation getting a job would be very sensible.

Original poster
gg1234 · 30/12/2017 15:55

Yes he is being super selfish .Cant say more.

OP posts:
MessyBun247 · 30/12/2017 15:55

Do you think he loves and respects you as a human being? Or does he just see you a maid and baby vessel?

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2017 16:06

By 4 your DC is more than ready for nursery as will be at school soon.

By the sound of your husband, you getting a job should be a priority!

Gemini69 · 30/12/2017 16:14

Today he sat explaining me that I am just being selfish if i don't give my child sibling

he actually said it was YOUR child... not ours Confused DICK ....

you go get your job Sweetheart.. Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2017 16:20

Stand your ground. There are too many men who insist on baby after baby because this is a way of keeping their wives at home, doing domestic work and 'knowing their place'. Does this man do anything like his share of childcare and housework at the moment?

Mooncuplanding · 30/12/2017 16:26

Please go back to work

He doesn't get to say what you do

Work is always your freedom ticket should you ever need it, never mind some adult independent interaction.

specialsubject · 30/12/2017 16:40

No more kids with this man ( and make very sure) until he starts treating you as an equal. What do you get from this marriage?

whoareyoukidding · 30/12/2017 16:42

Mine 'forbade' me to go back to work. Took me 15 years to get rid and finally divorce him.

redexpat · 30/12/2017 17:05

Has he mentioned a second child before you mentioned going out to work? The timing suggests he wants you physically emotionally and financially dependant on him.

Original poster
gg1234 · 30/12/2017 21:18

Yes he says giving my child sibling is more important than going back to work because anyways I don't have high skills ( thats the truth ) and mostly will earn a low bracket income .yes he earns well .

OP posts:
Original poster
gg1234 · 30/12/2017 21:20

Thank you all.I need to go back to work asap that's what I know now .Smile

OP posts:
redexpat · 30/12/2017 21:32

Any chance of additional training or education to increase your earning potential?

Original poster
gg1234 · 30/12/2017 21:35

Don't have the money redexpat and hubby wont give any for education i know. Can take loan but I dont think bank will give to someone not employed

OP posts:
Mooncuplanding · 30/12/2017 22:11

100x more you should go back if "he won't pay for your development"

None of us know if he's a problem (he is showing worrying signs) but for sure you don't want to be left high and dry aged 40 with no earninh potential

Please go back to work

Mooncuplanding · 30/12/2017 22:12

I'm over 40 btw so no offence to over 40s

But I tell you 100% that my life would be massively worse if I didn't have a job and a way to support myself

NapQueen · 30/12/2017 22:13

Can you contact some local preschools and see if they have any 15 hours free slots available? Just do it without dhs say so.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2017 22:14

Definitely go back to work - and have a seperate bank account to have your wages paid into. This man is already showing signs of controlling behaviour so you need to make sure you have a stash of money he can't take. You may need to get rid of him in future.

SittingAround1 · 30/12/2017 22:27

4 is old enough to benefit from nursery. It will be good preparation for school. Only children turn out fine so don't feel you have to have another child for the sake of your existing one.

Yes definitely go back to work.

IsaSchmisa · 30/12/2017 22:43

Don't let him be responsible for contraception either.