How important is good sex?

[user1497787373]

After being single for quite a long time, I've meet an absolutely wonderful man. Kind, interesting, good looking, great job... ticks all the boxes. So.... last night we finally did the deed and... well it was terrible. Signs were there as he kisses like a teenage boy. I'm trying to tell me self it doesn't matter, but I'm quite a kinky sexual person. Help!!

My STBXH is fairly good in bed, but it's mostly about him & how he thinks it would look if being watched. He has a big penis & I often got sore, especially if not very turned on.

Current FWB was far, far too gentle the first time - I think he was frightened to hurt me! It was enjoyable, but kept me dangling rather. Also a bit too vanilla for my tastes.

The next time was much better - we'd had a bit of a tipsy chat about likes & dislikes & I wasn't afraid to say "harder" or "just there" & deploy the butt plug & so on

If he's able to learn, then all good He might just have been a bit nervous!

Have you thought about telling him through text?

Start of small 'I was thinking about you when I was in bed this morning' then build up the texts 'I was imagining that you were doing xyz and it was soooo amazing', and 'I really want to do xyz to you' and see what he comes back with!

Most men get really turned on from dirty sex talk via text (yes even those of you who believe your men don't!) and it's an easy way to tell him what you would like, how you like it- without giggling!!!

(You sure our Durecell Bunny ain't the same man??? Pmsl)

Yes, please don't give up hope after just one session!

I feel it is too soon for the out of the bedroom chat but while you are doing it you can say what you would like him to do. I wouldn't get into dirty talk just yet!

I thought I couldn't give you real hope but I have just remembered someone I had the worst ever first sex with but went on to have the best sex of my life. True . So please don't give up hope. Hopefully you will grow into it together.

Gotta say I wouldn't be impressed. At that age unlikely to change and if even the kissing is crap that doesn't bode well. Current main fwb can turn my legs to jelly just with a kiss

Allow for nerves but if next couple times still rubbish it's unlikely to improve. Personally I couldn't be bothered with that.

Life’s too short for shit sex.

Succinctly put Roman but def agree!

@dustbunny1900

"I HATE the first time , because it's always awkward, uncomfortable unenjoyable , etc"

You're fucking the wrong people

Good sex doesn't make a relationship
But bad sex can break a relationship
By that I mean good sex won't magic away financial worries, family problems, DC concerns but it can help make things more bearable for the couple involved.
Bur where everything else is just dandy and perfect, bad sex will permeate it all with its resentment, unfulfilment, insecurity, dissatisfaction, frustration.
Unless you are totally asexual, which you've already said you're not.

Sex was terrible the first time DH and I got down to the deed. Both nervous and probably too much to drink on both our parts. Actually, for the first month or so it wasn't great as he would just overthink it and it put him off his stride (for want of a better phrase)
5years on... alllll good!

I do think a lot of it is fairly subjective though. What might be a turn on for some is not for others.

Two examples - my friend is really into the hard fast strokes, flat on her back, doesn’t move as this makes her orgasm quickly and she is always after “harder and faster”.

I like this only after a slow build up... but I like other things too.

My ex liked to be handled quickly and roughly when I was using my hands- I’d got it down to a fine art but would have to swap hands every minute or so as it was tiring.

I broke up with him and my next boyfriend after could have written your thread I reckon - practically everything I did he didn’t like. I was stroking too fast, he didn’t like the whole length just the head, etc etc...
(He steered me very gently but I could see what he was doing so we had a frank discussion - it’s worth noting that he was an incredible lover from my point of view).

I listened to what he said and tailored it to him.

I think as long as there is a tonne of communication, this situation can be “bettered” in some way.

Just on the flip side of that though (be careful what you wish for) I said to my most recent ex that I like dirty talk ...

We were in the middle of some fairly vanilla sex and he just suddenly went “yeah I bet you love that don’t you, you ... you.... beast”

Beast though.

Good luck op

trinitysquirrel most boys in their 20s aren’t too great in bed, which was my age group before I met DH. I also found first time sex incredibly awkward regardless

"Beast though" omg so inappropriate! Where I live that means paedo!

Some people can do dirty talk some really can't.

Yea if op's new man was in his late teens/twenties teachable, in my (rather too much ) experience by 40's people are unlikely to change their techniques much.

Doesn't even mean he's bad necessarily, just means he and op incompatible.

As Mollie says, different people like different things, I'm quite kinky experimental, whereas ex was very much a lights off missionary person.

Friends, some are very standard in their preferences, others very adventurous - and it's not necessarily the people other friends would think - not sure why I'm the confidante for this stuff

It varies from person to person, I know some people who have mediocre sex with their DPs but as everything else works. I suppose you have to weigh up which category you fit into.

I think it’s worth having a few other tries and seeing if it was just a case of nerves for the first go, and don’t be afraid to be vocal about what you want and what is and isn’t working for you - you can always guide his way! I think you’ll soon know what to do..