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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How important is good sex?

63 replies

user1497787373 · 30/12/2017 14:28

After being single for quite a long time, I've meet an absolutely wonderful man. Kind, interesting, good looking, great job... ticks all the boxes. So.... last night we finally did the deed and... well it was terrible. Signs were there as he kisses like a teenage boy. I'm trying to tell me self it doesn't matter, but I'm quite a kinky sexual person. Help!!

OP posts:
Rossigigi · 30/12/2017 15:16

I ageee if the sex is bad the relationship is doomed!

However, you can share what you like and what you don't like in bed.

I've said things like 'please don't do that I hate it!' or 'I really like that don't stop!' or 'not too hard, a little lighter' etc etc etc

But then I've also had a guy who was just like a Duracell bunny:- stuck on one high speed in one position- he ended up as a one night stand for a reason!

Ironically the best sex ever, was a ons with a friend lol we used to joke about what we liked in bed and it turned out we matched to a tee. So when we did have sex one night, omg it was amazing. We are both in different relationships now, but every so often, he will make a little comment about that night which makes me smile.

So yeah- good sex is important! But the question is- how much do you want to be the teacher?

Cocoloco75 · 30/12/2017 15:17

See I think you could give it a chance. First time with my OH wasn’t the best, he was a bit over enthusiastic in some areas, but who’s to say I was up to my best either as it was sex with someone new which is usually a bit awkward (unless it’s a very drunken one night stand).

Now many years later, sex with my OH is bloody amazing as we are in tune with each other and know each other’s kinks etc. He has introduced things that I would be mortified to suggest (perhaps not even consider actually) as I’m not as vocally confident as he is.

If everything else is great, I would give it a bit longer to see if the sex side sorts itself out as you become more comfortable with each other.

Creambun2 · 30/12/2017 15:18

Is he more middle class than you OP?

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 30/12/2017 15:20

Btw, if it’s the violent thrusting... you riding him could be a solution.

You seem to really like him and he apologised / you were able to talk about it (?), which is imo a pretty great sign for a relationship.

You have to decide whether working on this is worth it. (And also consider that both of you might need to change something if you want it to improve)

Original poster
user1497787373 · 30/12/2017 15:21

He's been in a couple of long term relationships but I get the feeling I'm erm... more experienced 😂 His most recent relationship broke up when she left him for a woman. Not sure if that's a sign 🙈And durecell bunny -yes that!

OP posts:
Bollooooooocks · 30/12/2017 15:22

Oh I'd be really put off if BT botfriend's ex left him for a woman ...

streetlife70s · 30/12/2017 15:22

You can always tell how someone will be in the sack by the way they kiss.
Its a very personal decision whether or not you can put up with rubbish sex. Even if it improves I think it’s highlu unlikely it will ever be mind blowing sadly.

TitaniasCloset · 30/12/2017 15:23

This thread is scaring me. I have just started dating again and I'm worried about this. Also that it's been so long that I might be dead from the waist down. Shall hang about and listen to the advice. Brew

Bollooooooocks · 30/12/2017 15:23

That should read my boyfriend, not BT boyfriend! Presumably BT doesn't have a boyfriend Hmm

TitaniasCloset · 30/12/2017 15:24

It seems so far :"it's in his kiiiisss! That's where it is oh yeah"

Helpme491256 · 30/12/2017 15:27

For me kissing is the biggest turn on so if that is not right then its down there for me. That look someone gives you when the kissing is amazing is the best feeling in the world and i dont think that passionate kiss can be taught.

I may be wrong........ and everyone is different. Try dropping him little hints (i.e i love it when you kiss me slow abd soft or i love the feel of your tounge massaging mine) being vocal with him will be best. If he does something and you like it - say straight away! If you dont like sonething then be honest

TheSassyAssassin · 30/12/2017 15:28

Hadn't had sex in a long time over 5 yrs!! when started dating again. Can happily tell you it all comes flooding back quite literally Titania Xmas Grin

Bollooooooocks · 30/12/2017 15:28

If he had long relationships he wouldn't have invested in the kiss hence he's crap at it....

Potterurotter · 30/12/2017 15:30

For me good sex is really important and I don’t think I’d have the desire to teach him the things he ought to know. Maybe stick with the situation for now but unless the day to day connection and intensity transgressed to the bedroom it would be quits for me

Bollooooooocks · 30/12/2017 15:30

OP lets us know how the next session goes... when are you meeting next?

ClaryFray · 30/12/2017 15:31

My last relationship before DP was fantastic in bed. Like amazing. The guy was skilled. However he lacked anything else. Didn't want what I did. He wanted to have someone whom could meet his sexual needs and that was it.

My now DP was married for 12 years, and he is a little bit on the timid side for me. But we have fun, he isn't terrible, and he's willing to try. If he's willing to try then all might not be doomed.

Original poster
user1497787373 · 30/12/2017 15:32

My ex was amazing in bed, and not just with me it transpired. This is the first guy I've met since him (couple years casually dating) that I 100% feel I can trust. I really don't want to throw that away, so will try your suggestions of vocalising. Not sure I can do it without giggling though, have never been able to do dirty talk lol

OP posts:
Original poster
user1497787373 · 30/12/2017 15:34

Today 15:30 Bollooooooocks

OP lets us know how the next session goes... when are you meeting next?

In the new year. Will keep you updated 😂

OP posts:
billysboy · 30/12/2017 15:34

been in a 20 year relationship with not the best sex and its not a good place to be at the time I kept thinking it would get better

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 30/12/2017 15:35

You don’t need to talk dirty. You could sit down (maybe with a glass of wine if necessary) and talk about it before sex?

Dirty talk (especially if you don’t know what the other person is into) can go horribly wrong.

Remember that SACT scene where Miranda tries to talk dirty? 😂 l

But seriously, my DH’s dirty talk was terrible when we first met. Not because he’s bad in bed but because he seriously misjudged what I was into. (Nit his fault, btw)

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 30/12/2017 15:38

Oh I'd be really put off if BT botfriend's ex left him for a woman ...

Why? I left my ex and later started to date a man (DH). Doesn’t mean my ex was bad in bed (at all...)

And if DH and I were to break up (which I hope won’t happen)? I might end up dating a woman again... Doesn’t mean that DH isn’t awesome and wonderful 😉

Indigo911 · 30/12/2017 15:39

It would be important to me as I had an ex who wasn’t good in bed, and no matter how much I tried to show him what I liked, we just weren’t sexually compatible. It killed the relationship. Give him a few more chances in case he was just nervous. Try and be very assertive with him about what you do and don’t like. If it’s still not getting any better within a month or so then i’d end it

ReadyForGoodNews · 30/12/2017 15:39

I think good sex is important. But I also think you can tell your partner what you like, not necessarily dirty talk but guide his hand, tell him you like it etc Play games like truth or dare in bed and use that to tell him what you like. If he's willing to experiment he might discover more pleasure for you and himself!
First time isn't always an indication so hopefully he was just nervous and it will change.

RidingWindhorses · 30/12/2017 15:51

Good sex is really important to some people and not at all to others.

You sound as if you're in the former camp so this a problem.

You can try to teach him - but how would you undo bad technique and not sound like you're marking his work?

I hope it's fixable but in all honesty, I'm not sure it's possible.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2017 15:53

If you really like him in other respects, it's worth giving him a few more goes, and talking about what you would like - and asking him about what he likes. If he's completely resistant to doing it any other way than the unexciting stuff that works for him, well, he's not that nice. or you may just be sexually incompatible.

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