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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask at what age is personality set?

39 replies

michone · 30/12/2017 00:09

If an 8 year old is consistently manipulative, spiteful and blames everyone else for their behavior, is there still time for this to change or are they destined to become difficult adults?

OP posts:
ReadyForGoodNews · 30/12/2017 00:11

There is always time. And at 8, definitely lots of time.

ApproachingATunnel · 30/12/2017 00:12

Why is he/she like that, did he have difficult 8 years witnessing dv at home? It is still a tender young age so a positive change is possible. If you do nothing however, things might just stay the same or get worse (it’s hard to say as so many factors involved, what are his friends like, home life, your reaction, school input etc etc)

Original poster
michone · 30/12/2017 00:18

He is very spoilt and over indulged. Never made to share, always made out to be a victim. Guess it made me wonder if this is how those awkward and unlikable adults started off and just never grew out of it. Nature vs nurture etc

OP posts:
Newyearnewyew · 30/12/2017 00:20

I think it's a huge mixture off both I take its not your son. I think difficult traits can be addressed... With spot on parenting....

NellMangel · 30/12/2017 00:20

Loads of time to change, I think the important thing is to not label a child so they just deliver what is expected of them.

GwenStaceyRocks · 30/12/2017 00:23

What's your relationship to this child? Because if you are a primary caregiver and have already labelled them in this way then that will be a massive obstacle for them to overcome.

Snowman41 · 30/12/2017 00:27

That's not personality, it's behaviour. Yes it can change.

ApproachingATunnel · 30/12/2017 00:31

If he was told it is never his fault, it is alway somebody else no wonder he believes that and manipulates situations to support that. He needs to be thaught a healthier way to interact with others and develop social skills... He needs extra support too as at 8 his peers will probably be quite ahead in those things and he might be facing loneliness as a consequence of his behaviour. All doable though, don’t give up on him Flowers

KeepServingTheDrinks · 30/12/2017 02:00

I'm guessing this kid isn't yours?

It depends what you're talking about.

A bit crap parenting can be overcome (I think)

But I also think abusive parenting can't just be outgrown (hence why there are social services, etc)

Can't comment more without knowing more about your issue.

Pikachuwithyourmouthclosed · 30/12/2017 02:13

Personality is never 'set'. I am nearly 40 and I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago.

Oblomov17 · 30/12/2017 02:53

I completely disagree. With all the posters before who seem to be questioning your relationship to this child.
Or the automatic reference to DV? Hmm

I find the nature/nurture thing generally fascinating. The life of 4 year olds programme shows that pre school children have wide varieties of personalities.

Ds1 is a totally different child to Ds2. Ds2 is easy and uncomplicated. Ds1 is much more complex. He too takes zero responsibility for any of his actions and is always blaming others.
And no. No DV, just for those wondering! Hmm

ILoveMillhousesDad · 30/12/2017 04:27

Children are a product of their environment. It's highly unlikely this child has took it upon themselves to choose these personality traits.

The parents need to sort this out, if in fact they are capable, considering their 8yo is acting this way.

MorningstarMoon · 30/12/2017 04:45

Personality changes all the time. I depends on social circle, environment etc

Peanutbuttercheese · 30/12/2017 05:17

Personality can change but yes I dothink sometimes that the occasional small child I meet I think your going to be a difficult adult.

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/12/2017 05:30

I desperately hope it can change, op. My DS1 (6.5yo) makes DS2 (5.5yo) cry for fun; just because he's bored, DS2 has to be continually harassed.

I certainly didn't teach him this and have tried many ways of making him stop, but he actively prefers to see his brother cry. I find it very hard not to judge severely when he does it, I have to say. Am really really hoping it is a phase he comes out of.

He also is a past master at making situations out to be other people's faults and coming up wih excuses. DH jokes that he will be a natural manager but I really hope that changes with time too. We certainly don't do it Confused

namechange2222 · 30/12/2017 05:58

I disagree that the personality changes, I think it's there from birth. I do believe people can be taught to behave in different ways but the very essence of a person doesn't change. My children are now adults. Their personalities are very much how they have always been and entirely different to each other

Catbot · 30/12/2017 06:14

You are born with your temperament and personality traits, eg a hot head, laid back, sociable, introverted. Your environment shapes these aspects of your personality so yes, an 8 year old can learn to control these aspects of their behaviour but will need the help of adults to do that. Nobody is born "bad" but some people may be predisposed to behave in certain ways. IMHO.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2017 06:19

There are aspects of personality that are constant. You will never make a child who approaches slowly be a child who rushes in.

But manipulation, lying and spite are taught. Barring serious psychological issues. So they can be addressed.

However if it's your child... you need to seek help. Having a generally positive story about you own child is vital.

Greenshoots1 · 30/12/2017 06:19

it never is set. People in their 80s and 90s still change -

remember the old saying

"if a man is not a socialist by 20 he has no heart, if he is still a socialist by 30 he has no brain...."

illustrates the fact that many people change a lot in their 20s. But also later on, many of my fire and brimstone relatives became quite mellow with age

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2017 06:41

Unless his parenting changes, he won’t change. He sounds narcissistic and isn’t being taught to move to the next stage of child development. He is therefore likely to be stuck at his current emotional stage. This sounds to be less than 8 years old so he’s already behind and may have not been given a secure attachment, which he should have acquired as a baby.

I know I’m making a big assumption here and I may be wrong. It sounds as if the parents give stuff and are overly permissive instead of giving love and life lessons. He’s therefore missing out on some pretty big steps of how to be a fully fledged adult. It isn’t that his personality is set. It’s more that he isn’t receiving the learning required to acquire more complex skills, such as empathy and compassion.

All of this can be overcome even in adulthood through intense therapy. It’s much easier to address it now.

Another possibility is that he has an undiagnosed personality disorder.

Is this a relative or a child of a potential partner?

CocaColaTruck · 30/12/2017 07:01

The Jesuits used to say, "Give me the child until he's seven, and I'll shoe you the man". There's a lot of truth in that.

The child can change but only if he/she wants to. My DSs' personalities were pretty much set by age 8.

TheHungryDonkey · 30/12/2017 07:44

Of course, the child’s behaviour also depends on your own bias and relationship to him. Clearly he’s not your child so the way you perceive him could be influenced by the relationships you have with the adults involved. Like step parents and DSC for example. I read plenty of threads on here about awful step children who are just behaving like typical kids. Throw in a dislike of the ex and they become spoilt monsters.

streetlife70s · 30/12/2017 08:35

Personality is set in utero I believe. But what you are describing isn’t personality, it’s behaviour developed by poor parenting. The vast majority of children, regardless of inherent personality can be brought up to blame others and be manipulative if they are over indulged and never face consequences.
The good news is, behaviour can be changed.
The bad news is, by 8, it would take a complete turnaround by the parents and an understanding from them that they have been wrong all along. That doesn’t seem very likely.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 30/12/2017 08:38

I don’t know. I’ve noticed some people close to me change a lot over the years. One is a lot milder, kinder and more reasonable in his sixties than he ever was in his late forties - fifties. The other is a lot more unkind and unreasonable in her nineties than she ever has been and I’ve known her my entire life. In her defence, she’s feeling her age and is very fed up Sad.

So, in brief, I don’t think it’s ever totally set. I had arguably the same upbringing as my siblings but we are all very different in personality. I think secondary school had a big effect on us. Maybe as much as our parents did.

violetbluesky · 30/12/2017 08:40

"Give me a child until he is 7 and I will give you the man"

Not sure if I agree with that but I definitely think personality is determined quite young and then refined in adulthood

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