Aibu to ask at what age is personality set?

[michone]

If an 8 year old is consistently manipulative, spiteful and blames everyone else for their behavior, is there still time for this to change or are they destined to become difficult adults?

Not my child but the child of an aquaintance who we have fairly regular contact with. Unfortunately I don't think the parenting is likely to change as I know this has been bought up with them before. No dv that I am aware of but the child in question is an only child and parents world revolves around him. Interesting to hear everyone's thoughts on how much is set by personality. To meet the child he does just seem to be not very nice but I guess as you say this must be taught And can't be born with

My DS1 hasn't changed much since birth. Always been disobedient, willful and stubborn...

Despite my best efforts

Nurture more than nature arguments don't stand up against much against the claims that some parents have : that the parents have tried to parent consistently their - say 4 or 5 children, who have extremely different personalities.

All those previous posters blaming the parents and their non parenting? How do you explain that?

Between 7 and 9. However, personality disorders can be improved through psychological intervention once personality is set.

*this may be dated, that was the official line circa 5 years ago when I was studying this stuff.

I read somewhere that personality is developed by 5yo and there isn’t much deviation from then, essential qualities remain the same.

Oblomov
Because this isn’t personality, this is learnt behaviour. Were he to have good enough parenting from now on and catch up the bits he’s missing, his behaviour would change. It would thus appear as though he had a personality transplant when in fact he did not. He would just be seeing the world through a less distorted lense.

Personality is different.

I've seen 30 years quoted somewhere, but can't remember the source or how reliable it was.

I wonder if others see him the same way as you . . .it's just that your expectation of him will create a dynamic. You expect to see a 'not very nice child' and hence you do.
Also, it could be that you see him in situations that cause him anxiety. Of course, he needs to learn to cope with those situations but struggling in certain places or with certain people isn't a personality defect. I'm thinking of my nephew who is actually a lovely child but struggles in groups or at parties. I'd hate to think adults were labelling him.

This was in relation to personality disorder treatment.

I don't know. Dd went to primary with a similar girl, she was entirely the creation of her deluded and imo abusive parents. Abusive because it's cruel to teach your child the world revolves around them and nobody else matters, rather than something else going on.

I really hope that she's now wised up to the fact it's her behaviour that makes others dislike her, rather than continuing the victim complex her parents actively encourage. God knows her parents won't change. I think it's possible she'll either rebel when their pfb babying clashes with something age appropriate she wants to do, or she'll mature and realise herself she needs to change.

My personality changed in my early 20's. I'm definitely still in the get a grip camp but as a child/ teen had very selective empathy for humans. Very emotionally cold. Underdogs or those I cared for every time, but those who from my perspective were pathetic I had no time for and I was often brutal. Eg couldn't understand why someone would be upset about a harsh personal insult from a peer, and if they did I saw it as evidence they should be grateful their life was so easy that a non issue even hit their radar, rather than deserving of sympathy.

It changed when I realised just how warped my childhood was, rather than almost everyone else being feeble.

I agree that people change. When I was 13 I believed in the death penalty for certain things like rape and murder. When I was a bit older I understood why it was a bad thing. That's why I don't think religion should be a protected characteristic, because beliefs are not fixed and change.

8 year olds are very young. I think people like to think that their parenting is everything when they have a perfect child (if such a person exists) , but I'm afraid it isn't (and the Dutch do not believe so for example www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/11/05/are-they-the-worlds-most-relaxed-moms-what-we-can-all-learn-from-the-dutch/ ). You are a product of your environment which includes other relatives, friends, school etc. And siblings are very different from each other despite having the same genes and upbringing.

Oh gosh, if you think an 8-year-old can't change what hope for me who am well into my sixties.

IMHO, this is definitely not personality, it is behaviour.

He's a bit young to be bandying about 'personality disorder', crikey, poor kid. Don't go slapping labels on him just yet.