To still hate my fucking ex husband?

[ILoveMrDarcy]

He still has so much control over us. I left him 15 years ago, he was emotionally and physically abusive. His control over my children (16 and 20) is getting worse.

He's blocked me on every medium so I can't even message him to say I disagree with him picking my son up tomorrow at 8.30, on a weekend he's supposed to be with me, and he hasn't even had the decency to discuss with me, because he needs his hair cutting (he doesn't, it was cut 2 weeks ago, again with him).

I feel like I'm losing any ounce of control over this situation. The children won't argue back with him, they just doff their caps and go along with what he says/suggests and we end up rowing about it, and they get angry at me!

I don't think IBU but I just feel so frustrated that I still can't escape it all.

Sorry but from what I'm reading its YOU who sounds controlling.
Your children are 16 and 20 so hardly 'children'
Why arent they making their own arrangements with their dad?

You're probably right in a way. He's just so utterly unreasonable and dictates so much even now, it just frustrates me.

Grey rock technique. Deploy that and be as minimum contact with him as possible. Whilst you communicate with him you are giving him power to control. Your children will hopefully in time see him for what he is.

Let your DC do whatever that want with regards to ex. If he is being unreasonable , they will very soon get fed up.
But don't get involved personally.

Your children are old enough to make their own decisions.

At 16+20 your duties are done. Leave them to him and they will decide for themselves. My exh spent ten years trying to turn my ds x 2 against me. They are nc with him now - a year and a half - and all of their own doing!! They are now 14+16.

At 16 and 20 it's your childrens decision.

Hating him is only hurting yourself. Don't waste your energy.

I don't think IBU but I just feel so frustrated that I still can't escape it all

Escape from what? It sounds like he wants nothing to do with you, why are you trying to communicate with him?

I'm stuck on a 16 year old needing to be taken to have his hair cut. I think I was about 12 when I started going to the hairdresser by myself. My sons would have freaked.

Perhaps you could explain more OP? Is he coercing the children somehow? Do you feel they are vulnerable? Why do they do what he wants, if its not what they want?

Your children are old enough to make up their own minds. You need to stop harbouring resentment for your ex. Let the kids do as they like.

Leave them to it, OP. I know it's tough. Good luck.

I get it, it’s your weekend and he’s coming at 8;30 to pick up your 16yo son and you can’t even contact him to say no.

Yes he’s a dick.

Surly now the children are adults they dont have weekends where they are forced to be with one parent or the other.

@ILoveMrDarcy At 16 I was at college and working a part time job. by 17 driving. my "allocated weekends" with my parents stopped when I was about 15 and I would then just visit whenever I wanted and it was my own job to make sure I arranged time. After a few teething issues I learned to make time for both parents as well as work, college an social life. Transitioning into adulthood. It actually encouraged me to have a more grown up relationship with both parents - arranging meeting for meals and activities (watching movies, takeaways, just anything) rather than just the usual "sitting in their house on my laptop". Maybe its time you released the routine a bit and let them know you expected your DC are to do more things for themselves.

Are your children working/ at college? It seems like it would make sense to let them make their own arrangements; surely they have work/ friends/ hobbies and will arrange their visits with him around those? By the time I was 20 I saw my parents about once a month...

I think it is ok to hate him (and you do)

I don't think you can really blame it on his controlling you. He is seeing his 16 year old. My 16 year old runs her own schedule and life (and haircuts). He isn't being unreasonable to take his son for a haircut if his son is ok with that.

With the greatest respect I think you need to acknowledge your feelings (you hate him for reasons probably related to your marriage), this has nothing to do with your now adult/near adult children.

If you are arguing about a dad picking up a 16 year old for a haircut you are being unreasonable - sorry - but you probably know that. You need to let it go and get some counselling for your own issues with him.

The children won't argue back with him, they just doff their caps and go along with what he says/suggests and we end up rowing about it, and they get angry at me!

Of course they get angry at you if at the age of 16 and 20 you try to tell them how and when and why they can interact with their father. For your own sake please back away and get some help processing the issues your marriage has left you with. It isn't your children's fault and you have no right to interfere with their relationship with their father.

I think whilst both are at/almost at adulthood, they're still very young. They're plenty young enough that if a partner was controlling them, most of us would say their youth/inexperience/naivete was a contributing factor in their predicament.

YABU to hate him, op - you know how he operates, and had the sense and maturity to extricate yourself from him as far as you could. The kids probably don't. Children (of whatever age - even those in their 40s and 50s!) often still want to please their parents, or are at least averse to disappointing them (despite how it sometimes feels when you're the parent of a teenager ).

I have no idea what to suggest though sorry

FFS YANBU not YABU

Anyway, I hope the rest of my post made some sense.

They go along with what he suggests because they want to and are old enough to make independent decisions, not because they're doffing their caps.

That said, you're not being unreasonable to harbour hate for someone after 15 years. I have similar feelings for a mentally abusive ex wife after over 13 years separation.

Well, I hate my Ex too. And he pulls this kind of stunt. He recently helped himself to an entire weekend of mine, without a single line of communication. I had booked, planned and paid for things for us to do. It's more the arrogance of it than anything else.
I don't think the objecting to a haircut thing it's controlling, because - yes, they are 16 and can make their own arrangements, but presumably your ExH knows nothing about your plans for the weekend, which might involve being out with your sons at that time, or needing to leave the house say, an hour later, with your sons, for a reason such as hospital appointment. The fact is your ExH has made a claim on your time without the most basic courtesy of contact. Whatever plans you had made are now shelved because of an inconsiderate arse who thinks nothing of inconveniencing you.
You would be just as annoyed if you'd made arrangements with a friend at 8.30 and she told you at the last minute she was going for a haircut, and it was too late for you to make other arrangements, thus wasting your time.

I hate my ex too but as the kids become adults you can just let them get on with it themselves - you don’t need to be able to contact your ex (I never do), just talk about arrangements with your dc, it’s up to them to sort it out.

My resentment is a financial one... my ex lives in a 1.5m house in another country while I have been struggling to bring dd up since she was 6 months old on a combination of income support and low wage jobs. Ex retired at 40 (from his relatively small low paid company) and hid all his money in small accounts in cash so when maintenance was calculated I received (and continue to receive) barely the minimum. He then went and married again - a chief exec of a household name- and suddenly and amazingly he’s all rich again. He drives me insane. I feel very angry for dd when I think about it all. I am happily remarried now and life is good but we struggle financially and live in a house which is falling down around us whilst ex lives in his mansion and goes on holidays to Mexico and Disney every couple of months. Dd spends half the summer with him and when she is there they do nothing with her and then go on a flash holiday when she comes home! I have to step back though and let dd now aged 15 decide what kind of relationship she wants with her dad. If I get too involved it drives me up the wall.

Maybe see this blocking of you as a "gift". The DC are old enough (by miles) to sort out their own time with their Dad.

See this as the end of arranged contact.

Let them deal with him.

I guess much depends on how independent they are. At 20 I had been living away from home in another country for three years. In fact, I never went back home again.
At 16 though, depending on where you live, they may not be totally free ranging. You might still be running them to clubs / activities. I guess that the 'inconveniencing you' bit has to come down to you no them now. If you had all agreed and booked tickets to cinema for example, and they then dropped you for their Dad - or anyone else - costing you money, then I'd be making sure that I got that money back from them, so they learn to consider you.
Their Dad should fade into the background as an irrelevance to you.