To still hate my fucking ex husband?

[ILoveMrDarcy]

He still has so much control over us. I left him 15 years ago, he was emotionally and physically abusive. His control over my children (16 and 20) is getting worse.

He's blocked me on every medium so I can't even message him to say I disagree with him picking my son up tomorrow at 8.30, on a weekend he's supposed to be with me, and he hasn't even had the decency to discuss with me, because he needs his hair cutting (he doesn't, it was cut 2 weeks ago, again with him).

I feel like I'm losing any ounce of control over this situation. The children won't argue back with him, they just doff their caps and go along with what he says/suggests and we end up rowing about it, and they get angry at me!

I don't think IBU but I just feel so frustrated that I still can't escape it all.

Your children are not children any more. They are young adults. They can make their own decisions. Any court orders regarding contact are no longer effective. There is no longer any such thing as your weekend and his weekend. All weekends belong to your children. If they want to spend every weekend with him they can do so. If they want to spend every weekend with you they can do so.

There is absolutely no reason why your ex should communicate with you about arrangements for this weekend. It is between him and his son. If you don't want your son to go that is something you need to discuss with your son. But I am not surprised they get angry at you. It sounds like you are still treating them as children. You need to recognise that what they do with their father is none of your business.

It is not unreasonable to still hate your ex, although some would argue it is unhealthy. But him not talking to you about what your grown up children do with him is not a good reason to hate him.

I'd sit down with the dc and discuss how you are going to manage contact from now. If the dc want it to be a free for all then that's OK so long as they honour any commitments/arrangements they make to you and to ex. So no saying yes to ex if something had already been arranged with you and vice versa.

I think in this situation I would sit both dc down and say you are both old enough now. I am taking a step back if you want to go to your dads thats up to you and him to organise if you don't that's up to you to tell him.

Then if you want to do something nice with them organise it like you would any other adult see when they are free and set it up for then.

Take a deep breath and let go at this age you no longer need to communicate with him ever again if you don't want to.