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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex-H should remember he is a parent?

29 replies

Rainybohoho · 29/12/2017 22:03

I am currently away at my parents with DD1 and DD2. Ex-H had the DC from Xmas eve (his birthday) until Christmas Day afternoon. They have been with me since as he announced he didn’t want any more contact this week as he ‘had plans’.

I’ve just checked DD1 (12 yo) phone (she knows I check her WhatsApp as part of the agreement she has it) and every night since Christmas night she has messaged him goodnight and he hasn’t replied once. Five little sad lonely ‘Goodnight Dad’ messages. All read.

AIBU to think that you could manage to message your DD back goodnight once?

Im feeling so sad and angry about it for DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainybohoho · 29/12/2017 22:05

Just to clarify, these are the only messages. She tried to call him once no answer. No other contact.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 29/12/2017 22:06

yanbu...

How long does it take to say goodnight.

JAMMFYesPlease · 30/12/2017 00:15

Your poor DD OP. A one off wouldn't be too bad (missing it and thinking it might be too late) but five in a row? Not on.

Has your DD said anything? Could you ask her what she thinks about it and to help her through any feelings she does have? Is this a regular occurrence at other times of the year (no excuse but just seeing if it's a one off for the holidays or he usually ignores her)?

GrooovyLass · 30/12/2017 00:18

This has made me so angry on your DD's behalf. I don't know what advice to give but please give her a cuddle from me x

Goingalonenow · 30/12/2017 00:33

My stbxh has forgotten he's a parent. 2 months since we left and he hasn't seen DD.

It breaks my heart.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 30/12/2017 01:51

He will reap what he sows. Just be the better parent.

And support your child so that she is ok.

Ultimately, he'll lose out.

Margaritaanyone89 · 30/12/2017 01:54

That's really sad. I would send him a non confrontational text saying DD has sent you several goodnight messages via What's app, could you please make sure your notifications are on and reply so she's not left waiting.

MinorRSole · 30/12/2017 01:55

What a fucktard. Honestly he's such a twat doing that to his own daughter. Even if he didn't read it until the morning he could still have sent "morning sweetheart, so sorry I missed you last night. Hope you slept well and have a good day". That took me two seconds to type and she's not my daughter

Rossigigi · 30/12/2017 01:58

Does he have any credit/data allowance on his phone?

LockedOutOfMN · 30/12/2017 02:02

Sorry to hear that, OP.

I'd do what Margaritaanyone89 suggested, and also show your daughter lots and lots of love (I'm sure you do that anyway).

lalalalyra · 30/12/2017 02:04

Has he received them and ignored them or is he completely out of contact (phone off)?

Neither is better but ignoring them means you need to speak to your DD imo. She'll know he's doing it if he is.

MinorRSole · 30/12/2017 02:05

Does he have any credit/data allowance on his phone?

Correct me if I'm wrong but whatsapp doesn't come through unless you have wifi or data so he must do

user764329056 · 30/12/2017 02:42

What a bastard, your lovely daughter showing that amount of loyalty, he doesn’t deserve her, sorry you are going through this, am angry for you

Original poster
Rainybohoho · 30/12/2017 04:26

goingalonenow I’m so sorry to hear that for your DD.

He definitely has phone access/ability to reply and she knows he has read them. DDs will see him on Sunday, but he is very much doing them minimum in terms of contact.

I’m awake and can’t sleep now feeling like I’m doing so badly by DDs. I’ve tried to keep everything non-confrontational and I’ve been running things over in my head, and realising that I’m still a doormat and wondering if I’m teaching DDs to be the same.

Examples include that he currently still pays half the mortgage on the FMH (due to high early repayment charges) and so in order to ensure he could also rent somewhere, I have not had child maintenance. He will get 50% when the house is sold. As part of the financial order, which isn’t finalised, I let him know the child maintenance that would be due after and he started telling me how he wouldn’t have to pay it as that was only for children whose mothers didn’t work and then that the CSA calculator I sent him asked for his salary, which he said was irrelevant because his salary didn’t relate to how much a child needs to live.

I don’t know how to bring the messages up with DD, without upsetting her. I tried to gently challenge something he did (being very late to pick up) and she got very angry with me. I know this is because she is hurt and I’m probably safe to be angry at, but I just feel like I’ve done such a bad job giving her such a selfish arse for a father.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainybohoho · 30/12/2017 04:29

JAMMFyesplease no, not because it’s the holidays, he often won’t contact them each day. It was just seeing the unanswered messages in a row that brought it home.

OP posts:
weekfour · 30/12/2017 04:32

I'm angry for you. He's teaching her that it's ok for people to ignore her. It's so frustrating.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2017 05:08

Rainy goingalone Flowers

This is so upsetting. Your dd is 12, but right now she’s a little girl needing much reassurance. Does she like hugs? If this were my dd, I’d scoop her up on my knee, cuddle her, tell her how precious and special she is. Imagine she’s a baby so to speak. You don’t have to criticise your ex. Just to build her self esteem. Once her self esteem is better, she won’t allow him to treat her like this. My childhood was very difficult and my self esteem was very low. I tell my dd frequently how wonderful and special she is. I have a silly little song for her, as does my dh, we don’t sing it much now she’s older.

It sounds like your self esteem has been severely knocked so you could do the you same for yourself. Lie down, relax, create an impenetrable bubble around yourself and imagine you at whatever age you wish in a safe bubble, where he can’t come and give her a big hug. You may find the little you or it may be the you from the other day. It sounds like you could do with a hug and you can give yourself one doing this.

BattleCuntGalactica · 30/12/2017 05:13

I would give him the bollocking of his life for being so damned selfish and inconsiderate. It takes seconds to respond with a "goodnight sweetheart", and he can't be bothered to do that?

Christ. You know the more I read about fathers on Mumsnet, the more I despair. My own father is a waste of air and I have no contact with him, but I'm fast seeing that decent ones are few and far between. Same goes for husbands, although I have scored very well on the partner front.

Original poster
Rainybohoho · 30/12/2017 06:39

Your post felt like a hug mummyoflittledragon thank you, I will be kind to us all. She will let me give her a cuddle sometimes, but these days it’s more likely that she will sneak her legs over my lap when we are watching tv and let me give her knees a rub. I will keep being the best parent I can as I know I can’t change him. I try to talk to them a lot about respect in relationships.

battlecuntgalactica I know, and its so opposite to me - I will always respond or if I’m going to be unable to because I’m at work, I tell the DDs so they know. He hasn’t spent more than 3 days straight with the DDs since he left and goes off on holiday for two weeks with new GF, hasn’t taken DDs anywhere. I just can’t process that, not that he would go away with GF, but that he wouldn’t think to take his DDs on holiday as a first thought.

OP posts:
newdaylight · 30/12/2017 06:48

That's made me so sad. What a twat

Ilovetolurk · 30/12/2017 07:05

I love these men for whom maintenance comes as a surprise

Flowers for you and your daughter OP he sounds a right twat

ButtMuncher · 30/12/2017 07:14

This breaks my heart because it reminds me so much of my own useless father. Everything else was always more important - and I've not spoken to him for over four years now - the moment he left my Mum me and my brother (then 17 and 14) were surplus to requirement whilst he moved to another part of the country, shacked up with his mistress and brought her children up instead.

Men like this make me so so angry. OP - you are doing right by your children, you care. My mum is only parent I'll ever need, she is everything to me - I'm sure your DC will feel the same way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2017 08:26

You are welcome Rainy. I bet you’re doing just fine. Smile

RedHelenB · 30/12/2017 08:33

Just be the best mum you can be. Its his call on how he chooses to parent and any hint of interference from you won't go down well. Definitely pursue child maintenance though . Would it cover his half of the mortgage because getting it now would probably be best in the long run.

maras2 · 30/12/2017 08:58

rainy This has upset me so much so DH (lying next to me) wanted to know what was wrong.
I told him and he's beyond furious.
I know that swearing on MN is allowed but I wont print his words as he very seldom curses Halo or threatens violence.Today seems to be the exeption.
You sound like a great mum so take this waste of space father to task,and to the CSA. Flowers