Going to be the best mother in law

[iheartcupcake]

Hi
Those of you who doesn't have a good relationship with your mother in law, do you sometimes think about what kind of mother in law you will be when your children get married? Like you know how it is and how it feels to be treated like that, so you just wanna be the best mother in law? Or is it just me lol.. I don't have a good relationship with my mother in law, how dare I marry her golden boy.

Posting here for traffic

Gah, having not the greatest relationship with my MIL or mum I'd say respect and treat the child and their spouse as adults and be warm and welcoming but don't put up with crap.

Don’t moan on and on. Don’t compare grandchildren or children with each other. Don’t expect DIL will talk to you on the phone for hours and hours, run round after you, your husband and your son like a housekeeper/nursemaid/social secretary
Mostly Don’t call your ex-DIL a slag, especially in front of her daughter (your GD) and then wonder why she doesn’t want to see you ever again and why your son and current DIL totally support her in that decision....

I only have dds so I might have son in laws instead of daughter in laws. I will just ensure that i give my kids the space they need to make their own traditions and not try to compete with the other set on grandparents.

Don't give separate Xmas cards or next year you'll only be getting duty visits.

Yes it's something I think about a lot. Mine has been awful to me over the years and one day I just snapped and said no more. She has had plenty of time to adjust her behaviour towards me, stop the passive aggressive bullshit that she's been subjecting me to for years and years. I don't want to make the same mistakes as her and when my son gets a partner I will go out of my way to make them feel part of the family. I understand it must be hard when your son finds a wife and you are no longer the number one woman in his life but that is no excuse for being so nasty and interfering. I think you are very brave for posting this on here and will no doubt get the usual "well my mil is lovely" comments (if only all of us could be so fortunate)

If you take your own washing-up liquid, loo cleaner, soap, coffee, and mayonnaise with you when you babysit your grandkids in their house, dont leave them there and tell your DIL that hers are rubbish!

Also, dont slag off your other DIL and niece-in-law in front of us - yes we do realise that you actually dont think any women are good enough for the males in your family, but tough shit, we're here to stay

Mostly Don’t call your ex-DIL a slag, especially in front of her daughter (your GD) and then wonder why she doesn’t want to see you ever again and why your son and current DIL totally support her in that decision....

That made me laugh! Should be pretty easy to stick to!

I don't have a great relationship with mil, and am currently expecting ds1 so it has been on my mind alot. I have come to the conclusion that my aim will be to take the time and effort to get to know my Dil as a person. Not an extension of ds, not my route to grandchildren, but a person in her own right.

I tend to be the type of person that gets on with most people so I hope this approach will be right for us.

My mil treats me like I'm non existent, she doesn't even address me in conversation or introduce me to guests (this happened today when she introduced dh to her lodger, I just sat there like an invisible lemon). It's been like this for over a decade, she didn't even get me a card this Xmas and I am carrying her second grandchild! But now that I have DD she suddenly expects me to trust her like a best friend, hand my baby over at any moment, I could go on all day gahhhhhhh!

Anyway, Id like my Dil to be my friend, I really hope I can achieve this :)

Candy same here, Mil didn't speak a word to me at Xmas. I think she has given me a wonderful example of what not to do.
I just want to be respectful to dd, ask them not foist things on them etc.

I have a good relationship with my Mil. She would like us to be closer I think, go shopping together, maybe have a drink together etc but I like things as they are. We are friendly to each other, and we like and respect each other. I will be be the best Mil in the world because i will kiss the feet of whoever takes my lot off my hands. Three of them are adults and not a dp amongst them!

I'm looking forward to it. My DILs will be very lucky to have me.
I will not tell them they are dirty, tell my sons that they stole my revolting gold hair clip or phone their mothers to tell them that my son shags anything that moves.

As the mother of two boys, this whole subject makes me nervous. Mainly because reading the threads on here it seems that a MIL can get nothing right.

I don't think you have much to be nervous about Ska, it's usually quite obvious what the MIL has done wrong. You can even read their version of events on Gransnet and see what they have done wrong.

Cuddlypanda Lol who brings their own washing up liquid, odd thing to do.

I have put up with so much from mil over the years, it would take me all night to write everything here. But basically nobody is good enough for her son. She has called me names, slagged me off behind my back to her daughter, tried to break us up, lied about me to my DH. She even asked DH why he's with me, he deserves someone better than me etc. I've done my utmost to please this woman, comes round whenever she feels like it, sometimes unannounced. DH does nothing wrong in her eyes, but will happily criticise me for everything. I have three DC and do everything with no help from DH at all, she has done everything for him and has therefor enabled him to do nothing and is useless when it comes to children and house. She even had the cheek to say to me one day " how do you think I feel when I come round and I see my son in a shirt that's nothing ironed ". Really? Isn't the man capable of ironing his own shirt? Makes so angry, the fact that she expect me to wait for him hand to foot and do everything for him just because she did it.

@SkaPunkPrincess please don't worry! Good MILs do exist, there are a couple of threads about them my MIL is amazing! My poor husband's MIL however...

not ironed sorry

My ex MIL was nice enough. We always got on. I didn't agree with her homophobic views, or how she pushed her way into our lives sometimes. But I think I'll treat being a mil the same way I do a mother. I know what not to do. I have no illusions that I'll be perfect. I know I'll get in the way, put my foot in it and probably annoy the crap out of my son and his partner. But I will try to be the helpful one. And not the one they whine about on mumsnet!

My mil was lovely. Unfortunately she passed away last year. She was so nice and never treated me with anything other than kindness. At the end, when she was ill,I washed her feet and rubbed moisturiser into her feet to help her pain, even though they had been smelly.
Makes me sad to read all these I hate my mil threads on MN.
I hope I am as nice to my dil's when my boys grow up.

I think about this a lot. I have all boys and I would like to be a good mil to their wives/partners. Hopefully with the help of mumsnet I won't do too badly. My eldest is 11 so got a few more years to learn about what not to do [adds not criticizing brand of washing up liquid or calling dil a slag to list]

I do think about this. So does my DP!

My first MIL was absolutely lovely. I am genuinely sad that I'm no longer in her life. She doesn't speak English, and lives in Russia, so we were never going to keep in touch after her son and I split up, but she was so incredibly kind to me that I wish we could. She used to send me lovely, touching messages through her son and to try to write in English (and I tried to write in Russian). She could have been really furious her son and married an English woman and would now presumably never come back to Russia, but she was never anything but nice.

My current MIL is a different matter (!). I come to the conclusion that it's a relationship you have to want to work at. If one or other person doesn't, then you're screwed.

I am doing my very best to be a good pre mil (ds and fiancee living together) but I think it is very difficult as it is so easy to clash with no intention of doing so just because they were brought up differently and with different life experiences. I suffer from anxiety and dread being that mil whose son has to choose gf over me because I have upset her by mistake/misunderstanding. The hatred I read on mn for mil's is horrific; I monitor everything I say to try and prevent a falling out but still seem to manage to get it wrong at times.

I am MIL several times over and thank goodness it seems to be ok, but I am lucky, I have lovely daughters in law. My poor mum got a horrible DIL who saw my mum as 'competition' from the start, and she (the DIL) did everything she could to cause a rift between my brother and his mum.

I've had 3 mil figures in my life (3 serious relationships).

My first boyfriend who I was with for nearly 6 years whose mother was an arsehole. Very over the top nice to me (and my own DM to be honest, I think she was trying to strike up a friendship with her) but nasty behind my back. I broke up with her son when he hit me in her house. She heard all the commotion and asked what was going on. I said her DS had hit me and her reply was...what did you do 😳

My ex-h's mother is all in all a nice person but my god everything has to be about her all the time even when it came to my wedding (which was nothing like I wanted it to be, it was pretty much a wedding designed for her and my ex, fucking weird).

My MIL is a nice lady but I'm constantly being put in the middle of everything all the time, rather then message DH she messages me to tell him things or to talk about him (I refuse to keep things from him though).

We spent Christmas Day with his parents (as well as SIL and 3 DC, my own DM, sister, BIL and my 2 DS's) and it was a disaster. It was like DH's family didn't want to be there, his DF made constant digs towards him etc. The next day MIL messaged me asking if DH's mood had improved, I told her straight that actually he was quite upset with his DF's attitude and felt like they hadn't wanted to be there etc. Long story short MIL suggested to me that I needed to get DH to the dr because she thought he was depressed. The following two days Facebook is full of status updates from MIL, FIL and SIL about going for drinks and a curry, next day same thing but pics of family games night. Neither of which we were invited to.

So basically I won't be anything like any of those three and I'm sure it'll be an improvement. Sorry for the long post I didn't realise how much I got carried away.

iheartcupcake surely the correct answer to 'how do you think I feel when I come round and I see my son in a shirt that's not been ironed' is 'inadequate, as you clearly didn't teach him to iron properly'

I've never had a MiL (died before DH and I met) so I haven't had the opportunity some of you have to learn how to do (or not do!) it well.

I think it’s impos to know how i’ll Be as a MIL until I’ve met the future S/Dil. I’d try to be at least pleasant but I don’t hide my emotions too well and can’t pretend to like people who clearly don’t like me. My MIL is subtly nasty, passive aggressive, dismissive and controlling. I’m not like that so I sil be different but I can’t promise to like future in laws