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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeping things fair ? AIBU?

35 replies

ThankGoodnessItsOver · 29/12/2017 17:16

Please be gentle Xmas Blush I'm having a rough time with 8yr old son who has ASD and I'm beginning to really doubt my parenting abilities !

DS1 is 8 and has ASD.
DS2 is 6.
DS3 is 6 months.

Today , ds2 slipped on ice and hurt his arm - he went over on it awkwardly and was crying in pain.

I dropped DS1 and baby at my mums and took him to a&e. Long story short it's fractured.

At the hospital DS2 was so brave so on the way out I popped in to the hospital gift shop and bought him a small toy. I bought the same for DS1.

I also gave DS2 a pound to pop in his money box for being so brave.

When we got home I gave DS1 his toy and all was well until he found out that DS2 had been given money.

He shouted and cried that it wasn't fair . DS2 pointed out (as did everyone else) that he had had to have X-rays and a painful injection because he'd fallen and it was for being brave.

DS1 just does not get it . My mum then decided she would give DS1 some money , but I said this was then unfair on DS2 as HE was the one that had to go through everything.

I do feel DS2 often gets a raw deal as his brothers needs are so demanding and overwhelming at times .

I told my mum (in private) not to give DS1 the money as DS2 never fusses when DS1 gets money from the tooth fairy etc and he doesn't . Why should he not be rewarded just for the sake of his brothers tantrum?

Now DS1 is angry with me and says I'm so unfair . Although he thinks everything is unfair all of the time .

I'm fed up of the constant demands from DS1 and for DS2 to always have to sacrifice for his brother in various ways .

I think the stress of Christmas has also skewed my view and confidence in dealing with DS1.

I love him to pieces but it is exceptionally difficult dealing with his ASD at times .

WIBU?
(Remember DS1 was also given a toy - the only thing DS2 got extra was a £1).

OP posts:
InAPickleToday · 29/12/2017 17:28

Bumping for you! I don't have much experience with ASD but IMO YANBU. Seems like bratty behaviour.

Nectarines · 29/12/2017 17:29

I suppose, in this situation, you would expect him to react to his brother being given £1 so you’d agree that he didn’t need to know.

User11011 · 29/12/2017 17:32

You are their mummy, you know best and YADNBU xx

Tinselistacky · 29/12/2017 17:32

Imo only ds 2 should have got a toy. By also getting ds 1 one he expected the same all round!!

XmasFairy86 · 29/12/2017 17:35

How did DS1 find out about the money?

I don't think he should be given money, he had a toy that wasn't needed/expected. And you're right, it was about DS2

Namechangetempissue · 29/12/2017 17:36

It's difficult isn't it? I have a 10 year old son with ASD and I can envisage him reacting in a similar way (but with sadness not temper as he doesn't get really angry). He just wouldn't get the past the fact it was unequal and that his brother had "earned" an extra treat as he was hurt and was very good. He wouldn't get the feelings part of it, only the facts -the treats were not "fair"and measured out the same. I would actually stick to your original decision and try to sit with your son and explain calmly again about the situation. I get how hard it can be!

PanannyPanoo · 29/12/2017 17:36

Not unreasonable at all.

Very important for DS2 to have the extra, as a younger brother to your son with ASD and a middle child I expect there are many occasions when he may feel over looked - obviously not intentionally and no slur on you.

I would choose your response to DS1 and repeat as necessary.

"You are right it is not fair poor DS2 broke his arm, had a horrible afternoon at the hospital and has £1 for being so brave and good"

It may not diminish his anger but it can not always be about what he wants, ASD or not.

PS
Bloccs cast covers are fantastic for swimming, baths and doing messy things like sand that would irritate under the cast.
Loads of pillows at bedtime to support the cast, coud be a few nights before he sleeps well with it.

Youngmystery · 29/12/2017 17:38

Ignore him. He'll forget eventually and get over it. If you give in, you're setting yourself up for worse problems in the future. Probably wouldn't have got him a toy to be honest, but what's done is done.

Original poster
ThankGoodnessItsOver · 29/12/2017 17:40

DS2 was telling my mum he got some money for being brave and DS1 overheard.

I understand that DS1 probably should not have gotten anything and I think under normal circumstances I wouldn't have , but I can't express enough how much DS1 needs things to be fair so I did it thinking it would be ok .

I get so stressed trying to make everything fair as DS1 just doesn't understand and I don't want DS2 thinking he comes second . It is one of the things I find hardest daily .

OP posts:
ClaudiaD13 · 29/12/2017 17:42

Seems like bratty behaviour.

It's not bratty behaviour, it's autistic behaviour and entirely predictable.

I would not give him the money now though, on principle, autism or not he has to learn he can't always get what he wants. Although I wouldn't have necessarily given any toys or money to either child.

XmasFairy86 · 29/12/2017 17:42

My girls are the same, they have to have exactly the same of everything and there's no additional needs involved so i can only imagine how tough it is!

Original poster
ThankGoodnessItsOver · 29/12/2017 17:45

I'm not going to give in . I won't be giving DS1 some money as this is about DS2.

I guess I'm so overwhelmed by it all at the minute I'm doubting myself .

I do think that I should be able to say to DS1 that DS2 is getting some money for being brave and that be the end of it .

Unfortunately it's never going to happen.

I'm in tears as I feel so bad for both boys . DS1 rigid thinking means he doesn't get it from anyone's point of view .

And DS2 now feels bad he got money and DS1 didn't .

Why does it have to be so bloody hard !

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankGoodnessItsOver · 29/12/2017 17:47

The toy I bought was only a little bubble tube , just a little something as DS2 really had been a star .

OP posts:
fleshmarketclose · 29/12/2017 17:48

I feel for you Flowers I have ds and dd with autism and even though life is much easier than it was when they were younger I still spend a lot of time treading on eggshells.
I think you were probably on a hiding to nowhere however you handled the situation tbh it's a position I've found myself in regularly as well.
I think by giving ds1 a reward he probably thought and expected he'd get exactly the same as ds2 and had no comprehension of what ds2 went through to earn his pound.
I wouldn't have been happy about dm undermining me even if it was with the best intentions tbh.
I'd probably take ds2 for a cake and hot chocolate the next time you go to hospital to make any reward invisible to ds1.

ClaudiaD13 · 29/12/2017 17:50

I feel for you. I am regularly in tears over my sons behaviour. It is extremely difficult raising a child on the spectrum and I often feel it's hardest on the siblings.

Namechangetempissue · 29/12/2017 17:51

Be comforted in that you are not alone OP. There are lots of us dealing with similar situations daily. You are not a crap mum and it isn't anyones fault Flowers

Original poster
ThankGoodnessItsOver · 29/12/2017 17:52

If I take DS2 for cake and hot chocolate , I'll then have to ask him to keep it a secret from DS1 to prevent the same situation .

I don't want to have to ask DS2 to hide his joy in fear of upsetting his brother .

That's not me being arsey with you Blush I'm just explaining.

OP posts:
ClaudiaD13 · 29/12/2017 17:55

I'd probably take ds2 for a cake and hot chocolate the next time you go to hospital to make any reward invisible to ds1.

We often do this (we go out for ice cream), I think they enjoy the one on one time most of all.

ClaudiaD13 · 29/12/2017 17:57

We make it routine to take them out individually in turn, they don't always get the same while they are out and it does seem to have helped with jealousy as they know next time it'll be their turn for a treat.

Phillipa12 · 29/12/2017 18:12

You are def not alone op, i stayed with friends over xmas and she has dd1 16 asd, and dd2 13. Dd1 had asked uncle for a specific laptop for college (hes loaded) and she got it. Dd2 didnt know what she wanted and has been struggling recently with her ME and school, so uncle had struck a deal in that if she attended school a certain amount of days he would get her an iphone 7, well she got the phone, cue very excited dd2 and a very unhappy dd1! All we heard for the rest of the day was it wasnt fair that dd2 had a better iphone than her and that now she wants the iphone 8 for her birthday and she isnt taking no for an answer, whilst this discusion was taking place with her dad, myself and mum escaped to the kitchen and ate cake whilst eaves dropping. 😂

fleshmarketclose · 29/12/2017 18:37

My others probably enjoyed the path of least resistance so didn't need to be told to keep quiet tbh. They knew he'd kick off so didn't mention anything and both me and they enjoyed the individual attention I think. It must be more difficult when your other child wants public recognition though so don't know what to suggest. Have you tried social stories? They were successful to a certain extent with ds so long as it wasn't on something that he wasn't completely fixed upon anyway.

RebelRogue · 29/12/2017 18:40

Ok I might be talking out of my arse here ...
But it sounds to me like discussions and work are needed for your DS1 to understand that fair does not mean equal. Does he get rewards (as that's what the pound was) and his brother doesn't?

Original poster
ThankGoodnessItsOver · 29/12/2017 18:46

He does get rewards and I talk to him about these things all the time but it just never sinks in . He's so rigid in how he sees things .

Social stories are an option.

Thanks all for the replies Smile

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 29/12/2017 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeorgeTheHamster · 29/12/2017 18:55

He may be very rigid.

But it doesn't mean you aren't right. 💐

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