Keeping things fair ? AIBU?

[ThankGoodnessItsOver]

Please be gentle I'm having a rough time with 8yr old son who has ASD and I'm beginning to really doubt my parenting abilities !

DS1 is 8 and has ASD.
DS2 is 6.
DS3 is 6 months.

Today , ds2 slipped on ice and hurt his arm - he went over on it awkwardly and was crying in pain.

I dropped DS1 and baby at my mums and took him to a&e. Long story short it's fractured.

At the hospital DS2 was so brave so on the way out I popped in to the hospital gift shop and bought him a small toy. I bought the same for DS1.

I also gave DS2 a pound to pop in his money box for being so brave.

When we got home I gave DS1 his toy and all was well until he found out that DS2 had been given money.

He shouted and cried that it wasn't fair . DS2 pointed out (as did everyone else) that he had had to have X-rays and a painful injection because he'd fallen and it was for being brave.

DS1 just does not get it . My mum then decided she would give DS1 some money , but I said this was then unfair on DS2 as HE was the one that had to go through everything.

I do feel DS2 often gets a raw deal as his brothers needs are so demanding and overwhelming at times .

I told my mum (in private) not to give DS1 the money as DS2 never fusses when DS1 gets money from the tooth fairy etc and he doesn't . Why should he not be rewarded just for the sake of his brothers tantrum?

Now DS1 is angry with me and says I'm so unfair . Although he thinks everything is unfair all of the time .

I'm fed up of the constant demands from DS1 and for DS2 to always have to sacrifice for his brother in various ways .

I think the stress of Christmas has also skewed my view and confidence in dealing with DS1.

I love him to pieces but it is exceptionally difficult dealing with his ASD at times .

WIBU?
(Remember DS1 was also given a toy - the only thing DS2 got extra was a £1).

Maybe show him that fair isn't equal poster ( I personally hate it, but kids seem to respond well to it).

Would something like this work?

You: DS1 remember when you got x reward?
DS1:(hopefully) yes
You: DS2 didn't get anything that day. Why do you think that is?
DD1: ........
You: Do you think that was fair? Why/why not?
And build up on it, helping him to follow a path to reach his own conclusion . Ofc the scrip shouldn't be as rigid as mine and adapted to his responses.

You've made me remember how hard me and my brothers made things for my mum, having to make everything fair between the three of us,none on the spectrum just determined to get the best fair share. We had to have the same number of biscuits, I seem to remember Garibaldi was hard because there was on segment left to fight over. Malted fruit bread led to minute examination of how thick each slice was, and an argument over who got the crust ends last time. She gave up on canned fruit salad with evaporated milk because of the argument over who got the cherry. It was canned mandarins after that, each segment counted out by all of us. God bless her patience.

I nanny for several kids aged 4,4,5,8,8,9 and 11.
I've had my fair share of the "it's not fair!" arguments.
I just agree with them and say they're right, it doesn't seem fair, but that's how it is.
And tell them they may get something when the others don't another time.

Life is not fair. I'm a firm believer in helping children to learn how to deal with those types of feelings and situations rather than avoiding them by giving equal treats. It doesn't do them any favours in preparing for adulthood!

I don’t have experience with ASD. But I do know that fair doesn’t always mean exactly the same, and as they get older their lives will become more and more different and you won’t be able to protect DS1 from those differences, and not should you. I think you are doing the right thing by sticking to your guns here, I’m sure the ASD will make it harder but like all siblings, DS1 has to learn that there are differences sometimes.

Good luck OP, and I hope DS2 gets better quickly.

That's such a typical autism reaction in our family. My oldest (10) always creates a shit storm if he thinks something's not fair, especially concerning his seven year old sister. I just stand firm about my decisions in situations like yours - that's not a smug statement. It's really hard to do so. But I'm hoping in time he will deal with it better. I think he is, but it's a long, long road to realisation that things ultimately balance out in the end.

How does ds1 react when ds2 gets invited to a birthday party and returns with a party bag etc? Presumably feels it's unfair? Agree don't give him money and hope he learns over time they get treated differently.

How does DS1 react when he's given something (you mentioned the tooth fairy) and DS2 doesn't? Does he insist that it's not fair?

For him to have rigid rules won't help him in the long run. However painful it is short term, it will help him in future to learn to cope with and accept that things aren't always equal.

My ASD child would probably also think it unfair as DS2 earned the money for accidentally falling over and hurting himself. DS1 didn't fall over so never had the opportunity to 'earn' £1 so unfair in that respect.

You sound like a great mum. 🌟

Thanks everyone. I've been reading the replies and advice .

It's so hard to get the balance right . I haven't given in and hopefully DS1 will get over it - although at the moment he thinks I've done it on purpose to upset him . Sigh .

I know I'm not alone and there are millions of people in the same boat but sometimes it just feels like the loneliest place .

I've lost count of how many times I've thought I really can't do this and in my head run off to a foreign country , sending child maintenance payments back to my DH as I lie on a beach sipping sangria !