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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to assume if I fancy someone they fancy me?

57 replies

Helenaslexandria · 29/12/2017 13:39

Is this weird? Does anyone else feel the same? If I come to the realisation that I quite fancy someone, I basically presume they also fancy me. I put it down to finding people who don't fancy me distinctly unattractive. AIBU - is it all in my head? - or is this a reasonable assumption? Just me......?!???

OP posts:

TheStoic · 29/12/2017 14:02

I also haven’t been wrong about reciprocal chemistry. Mind you, I’ve genuinely fancied very few men throughout my life.

Original poster

Helenaslexandria · 29/12/2017 14:02

Yes, sorry, I didn't mention that I am in fact Tom Hardy's girlfriend. I met him watching a TV programme.

OP posts:

RavenclawRealist · 29/12/2017 14:02

I'm with you, I fancy tom hardy im sure if he was ever lucky enough to see me that would be it!

RavenclawRealist · 29/12/2017 14:05

Crossed posts there watch your back then op I reckon he fancy's a lot of people by this logic

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2017 14:05

I too admire your confidence Helens; it must work like that some of the time because you pick up on signals from the other person and it sparks off attraction in you.

The last person I fancied also fancied me but as we're both happily married (to other people), we just smile and blush when we see each other now.

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2017 14:06

Ach, I could have written this years ago. Age has provided perfect hindsight.

You basically fancy men that fancy you. So you're assumption is correct. But only because you don't allow yourself to fancy men who you know deep down don't fancy you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2017 14:06

... oh and Tom Hardy doesn't do it for me at all so I won't be scratching your eyes out!

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 29/12/2017 14:08

I'm
With you OP, I tend to think people may fancy me if I fancy them (excluding famous people- sadly)

I couldn't tell you the last time I did fancy someone though so it's a moot point.

Willow2017 · 29/12/2017 14:09

I wish!
Would have made my teen/20s so much easier!
Don't be daft just cos you fancy them doesnt mean they even remotely consider you as fanciable.

Hygge · 29/12/2017 14:10

Do you mean that if you fancy someone you're looking for signs that they feel the same way about you and interpreting things they do and say as proof that you're right?

I think its normal to do that, although it doesn't mean you're necessarily right. It's wishful thinking in a way, or as you say, optimism that the person you like might also like you.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 29/12/2017 14:10

By that presumption, every man that fancies you, you will immediately fancy back. It’s a good job it doesn’t work like that.

Thetreesareallgone · 29/12/2017 14:12

I know what you mean. I basically only fancy men who fancy me as a baseline, obviously you'd need more than that on top, but I'm just not interested in people who aren't interested in me and don't think I'm the bees knees! I don't suffer from unrequited love for this reason! It seems to me a basic requisite to a relationship, that they really really like you and once this is established, I start to like them/think of them as a potential partner.

On a totally superficial lust level, I could like someone who didn't like me, but that's just for admiring. For actual relationship, I need them to think I'm ace before I can even begin to think about them (this process could take 2 seconds if mutual attraction, or it could take a few times of working together or whatever).

MyFriendMini · 29/12/2017 14:13

Extremely naive

tinydancer88 · 29/12/2017 14:14

I think it works in the opposite way for me usually

Natsku · 29/12/2017 14:19

I think I get what you mean OP. I tend to feel the same though I think in my case it is just me being conceited because, well, who wouldn't fancy me, I'm adorable.

Trills · 29/12/2017 14:20

Do you fancy everyone who might fancy you?

I second @Aragog 's question.

I would wonder whether you actually fancy the people at all, or whether you are just on the lookout for any sign of their attraction towards you and jump on it.

MinorRSole · 29/12/2017 14:20

I kind of get what you mean op. I'm somewhat oblivious to the opposite sex for the most part and I probably have more male friends than female. I don't ever notice anyone at first sight, never have. My relationships tend to start when I begin picking up signals from someone and I then have to decide if I'm interested or not. This is ok for the most part except when they blindside you by just randomly kissing you (it might not be random to them but it is to me!)

So I don't necessarily agree that if I fancy someone they fancy me but more I don't think about it I fancy them until they've made their intent clear iyswim

Natalies85 · 29/12/2017 14:24

I can't get my head round why you would think this!

SnowGlitter · 29/12/2017 14:30

I'm the opposite. Can only fancy someone who clearly doesn't fancy me. Someone who fancies me becomes unattractive to me.

This is largely my MO.

It comes from the believe that I do no want someone who thinks so little of themselves that they'd find me attractive.

Terrible conflict between not wanting someone who thinks they could probably do better, but equally not wanting someone who thinks they could do no better.

Bit of an impasse there really.

CritEqual · 29/12/2017 14:36

I think it's correlative (if that's even a word?), if you tend to get attracted to people upon further conversation and interaction chaps who like you or have the potential to like you will be overrepresented in the types of people who you end up chatting with.

I wouldn't over think it as if it's working for you enjoy it!

nocoolnamesleft · 29/12/2017 14:36

I blithe assumption that anyone you fancy must fancy you sounds like the sort of excuse stalkers use. Not saying that this is you(!), but it is an extension of the same presumption.

whoareyoukidding · 29/12/2017 14:37

I remember when I was a teenager I used to always end up being fancied by the uglier-looking mate of the bloke I actually fancied :(

gingergenius · 29/12/2017 14:42

I was about to be a bit of a lemon sucker there but having read further in I think what you're talking about is sending a mutual unspoken vibe which is the motivation for the fancying iyswim?

So in that case yes. But only if you're quite an intuitive person.

However, if it's in the harvey Weinstein camp of 'I'm a twat and make entitled assumptions' then no.

Am hoping it's the former!

TheStoic · 29/12/2017 14:45

I don’t think HW believed his prey actually fancied him. I think that was a big part of the turn on. 🤢

morningconstitutional2017 · 29/12/2017 14:45

No, life doesn't work like that. You may well find a mutual attraction which is great but sometimes you may be fancied by someone who you really have no interest in beyond being polite - or you could fancy someone but they don't give you a second thought.

That's called unrequited love and whichever way it happens it can cause a great deal of unhappiness.

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