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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That this is too much to ask my friend

51 replies

honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 29/12/2017 08:25

I have been having a lot of problems in my marriage. I don't know many people, I do have some mum friends but they live locally and know dh. No family.

I do have a very close friend and I've known her since school although she's a bit older than me, and she's never liked him, but always said I need to make my own decisions.

She does have a house she rents out. She has said if I ever want to leave I can go to live at that house for as long as I need.

This is too much to ask isn't it I can't ask that of her.

OP posts:

Afreshnewyearplease · 29/12/2017 08:26

She has offered. Shes your friend. It sounds like she wants to help

ATeardropExplodes · 29/12/2017 08:26

A true friend would help you pack.

Hassled · 29/12/2017 08:27

Why can't you ask? She offered - and people don't make generous offers like that if they don't mean it. If it's currently rented though she'll have to give notice to the tenants, so bear in mind it may not be immediately available. But you should absolutely feel OK about asking.

Original poster

honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 29/12/2017 08:28

In the immediate aftermath yes. But months down the line she's going to want it back isn't she. It could strain out friendship and I wouldn't want that. Also it's an area I don't know anyone.

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 29/12/2017 08:28

No, she's offered, it sounds like she's desperate for you to leave, why is that?

Original poster

honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 29/12/2017 08:29

She said if I need somewhere in a emergency I can have the house she lives in and she can move in with her boyfriend for a bit. Don't think that would work in practice though.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 29/12/2017 08:30

She offered and you need the help right now.

Will you be paying rent? I agree, if months and months go by it might get awkward but you just need to plan to not be there months and months.

Margaritaanyone89 · 29/12/2017 08:30

Someone might be living there at the moment, so you'd have to wait until the end of their tenancy. Every month you are there, she is forking out X amount that she would normally get in income. So as others mentioned, it could only be for a short period. I would sort other means of accommodation out for the future and use this as an escape house for now.

Redglitter · 29/12/2017 08:31

Sounds perfect. You're not asking she's offered. Yes, she's probably going to want it back at some point but it sounds great as a stop gap. Gets you away and time to catch your breath and make plans. It's not like she's offering you her spare room and you'd need to move in a few days

Original poster

honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 29/12/2017 08:32

She has said shed need to give the current tenant a months notice but I could live at hers for a bit. Ultimately though it's money. I can't believe how generous she's been makes me want to cry but I don't feel I can ask that of her.

OP posts:

Karigan1 · 29/12/2017 08:32

I never understand why when friends offer help people don’t accept it. If she didn’t mean it she wouldn’t offer.

glow1984 · 29/12/2017 08:34

I don’t think it’s too much to ask, particularly since she already offered! Just make sure you both have clear expectations of what is going to happen.

PurpleDaisies · 29/12/2017 08:34

If she has to kick out her current tenants I’d feel more uncomfortable about moving in. It sounds like she’s absolutely desperate for you to leave your husband. What’s been happening in your marriage?

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 29/12/2017 08:34

As PPs have said, she wouldn't offer it if she didn't mean it. The only reason I was able to escape my marriage was because I had somewhere to go thanks to a friend. It didn't have to be for long but it was exactly what I needed to have space to think and plan.

Sparkletastic · 29/12/2017 08:35

You can't really plan to live there for the long-term rent free but it sounds like she's offering you somewhere to escape to temporarily whilst you sort a more permanent solution.

Didiusfalco · 29/12/2017 08:37

Are you saying you would live there long term rent free? I think it fine to go for it while you get on your feet as long as you plan to pay rent.

ATeardropExplodes · 29/12/2017 08:37

Ok so don't take her up on the offer but can you work with her to secure yourself a new place so that you can escape on your own?

What is the house/money/job/children situation?

Rebeccatheold · 29/12/2017 08:39

If she is willing to sacrifice her income and go to all that trouble for you she must a) care about you a great deal and b) believe you are in real danger staying in your marriage.

Take her up on the offer and leave your husband. Xx

Original poster

honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 29/12/2017 08:40

I don't know she's desperate for me to leave but I think she's one of the only people who understands it's difficult as I don't have any sort of fall back, anyone to go to. She has said in a text that there is no pressure but she doesn't want practical reasons to be what keeps me against my will. She doesn't like my husband as she says he's controlling and a bully and there's some other stuff too.

OP posts:

Dozer · 29/12/2017 08:40

Was her offer rent free, or low rent?

Where is it in relation to DCs’ schools / your job (if relevant)? If too far then it’s probably not a go-er.

Unless she’s very wealthy and generous you couldn’t stay there very long without paying rent. But it could be a great way to get out and save up a deposit and first month’s rent for a new place.

If / when you separate you will need to manage within your new income at some point, so worth investigating and planning now.

Rebeccatheold · 29/12/2017 08:41

Although, as PPs have said you can’t expect to live rent free indefinitely, but once you’re out of your current situation you might be able to see your way forward more clearly

Dozer · 29/12/2017 08:41

Womens Aid could help you too.

Phosphorus · 29/12/2017 08:42

It's not an offer I'd be relying on to be honest.

Giving her tenants a months notice so you can crash there for a few weeks seems ridiculous, and combined with the 'oh you can have my house and I'll move in with BF for a bit' makes it all sound a bit pie in the sky.

Just make a plan to rent/buy somewhere long term. You'll need to eventually.

It will be better than chopping and changing and putting other people out.

Original poster

honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 29/12/2017 08:44

Miles away. Would have to take dc out of school then request register them.

I can't buy or rent anywhere long term alone.

OP posts:

liminality · 29/12/2017 08:44

I am a giddily generous person, that scenario where your friend offered to stay with her BF while giving her tneant notice -- I can completely imagine doing that. I would do it because I have had people be incredibly generous to me in my lifetime. It's a pass it forward kind of thing - you don't need to par her back directly for her generosity. If you need that kind of help, ask, and accept. Keep the conversation flowing so you know if she expects anything particular reimbursement or timeline.
And one day, in the future, when you are back on your feet, there will be someone else you come across who needs a generus helping hand. And you will be happy to give freely and generously, and so it goes on.
Do what you need to make your life okay again. Accept the offers of friends. Get to where you need to be. Good luck. for you and your friend

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