That this is too much to ask my friend

[honeycaramelbiscuitfudge]

I have been having a lot of problems in my marriage. I don't know many people, I do have some mum friends but they live locally and know dh. No family.

I do have a very close friend and I've known her since school although she's a bit older than me, and she's never liked him, but always said I need to make my own decisions.

She does have a house she rents out. She has said if I ever want to leave I can go to live at that house for as long as I need.

This is too much to ask isn't it I can't ask that of her.

Then unless you’re in physical danger, I wouldn’t take DC out of school and would look for an alternative solution.

Seek legal advice on what maintenance etc you might get after a split, and on benefits and council housing. There might be options that could work.

You need to make enquiries for housing benefits. If you have no other income or low income.
You could claim housing benefit for any property including your friend's property.
You need a plan and you could speak to Womens Aid as they can also help.

• should have said any property you are renting.

I don't know an awful lot about it but since husband is self employed I think maintenance might be difficult. Friend thinks it would help if I was a long way from him otherwise I'd just go back. But this is the thing I just don't see how we can split on practical reasons.

You might think you can’t, but remember to include maintenance, tax credits, housing benefit if applicable in your budget calculations.

I stayed with my friend for a few weeks immediately after leaving exH in an emergency, we then rented a house together for 6 months. I had a 6 month old baby when I left, on maternity leave so minimal income.

I was able to rent alone, it was expensive but once I’d got tax credits sorted it was ok.

It was 10000000% better being poor and happy than living with him!

Maybe but I do have to live as well!

I don't know a single woman who was in an unhealthy marriage with children that didn't also think that they couldn't leave because of 'practical reasons'. Yet they still manage to somehow. Are you familiar with the boiling frog analogy?

Change is stressful and fraught will all sorts of pitfalls but on balance you have to ask yourself if you fancy more of the same, if not worse, for potentially the rest of your life or to make that change and start living a life that you deserve.

Your friend sounds as though she has always kept the door open and knows what you are going through. I'd take her up on her offer whilst you get back on your feet.

On a practical level it doesn't sound like it would work for you.

I would be looking at a long term plan and seeing if there is any way she can help with that. Do you know what the possibilities are of getting a council flat? She might be willing to loan you a bit of money to help with moving costs and furnishings etc.or help you get a bond together to rent privately.

I would work out what is best for you and your children, get some advice about benefits and housing and go from there. Can you make an appointment with CAB?

You are lucky to have such a kind and caring friend.

It's very kind of her, but it sounds like adding to your stress and the inconvenience of moving out if it's miles away and you'll have to remove your DC from school. This is going to be a big change for all of you, so to minimise the stress on them I think I'd try to stay in the area you're in now. You and their dad, however much of a controlling arse he is, are going to be splitting up and you and the kids are going to be moving - believe me when I say that that is plenty of change for them. Please try to stay in your local area, so they will at least have the stability of the same school, teachers, friends, etc.

Also, I'm worried that when you move this friend's place isn't going to be any kind of solution. She is offering it as a temporary measure, which to me would mean 1-3 months while you sort yourself out, but you're still going to have to find a new place to live, pay your bills, etc, and in a new area where you know no one and with your DC trying to adjust to a new school that really doesn't sound good to me.

I think it's fine in principle, but I can foresee problems if her tenants don't move out promptly.

If she's given them a shorthold tenancy, she has to give them 2 months' notice and if they don't leave after 2 months, she still has to get a court order to get them out, which can take ages.

I'd speak to Women's Aid, and find out exactly what you'd be entitled to. If your relationship has been an abusive one, you may be able to get help from the council.

I think it might help you to start a new thread in relationships to talk through the whys and wherefores of leaving him. We don't know nearly enough about your circumstances and it sounds like you have a lot more thinking and talking to do to get it straight in your head.
x

I was just going to say the same as Lakielady.

Two months notice is the legal minimum. If the tenants don't cooperate it takes an average of 7 months to evict people. Do not rely on this offer.

Being far away would be difficult for you and the DC and wouldn’t necessarily make it more likely you’d return to your H: that’s down to you to decide.

He may well play nasty with maintenance, but that doesn’t mean you should stay. It will be difficult but can be done.

If as it sounds he’s emotionally abusive you and the DC will be far better off without him whatever the financial circumstances.

It doesn't sound workable to me tbh.

If she would be moving tenants out then she's going to be wanting rent long term isn't she?

Doesn't seem fair on them.

Is she right in thinking that you would be better some distance away?

What about him seeing his kids?

Eevryone pointing out practical problems with the offer is right. But in making it, whether it is realistic or not, she is making a very strong statement about how she feels you need to get out of your marriage.

She feels he is controlling and a bully. Do you agree? Is the 'other stuff' abuse? (Obv you don't need to answer).

If her concerns are founded, use her care and concern as an impetus to make your own plans to leave, or get him out.

She sounds very kind, and try to offer what best help she can provide. No, it doesn't sound very practical - re: the school, and you could not accept the offer long term, unless you start paying full rent within a month or so (which is fair enough).

You do know that you will not end up in the street with your children, she is offering you a lifeline, at least you know you have a back-up plan.

What I would do is looking very seriously on how to move in a more practical manner: closer to the schools, or could you wait until the summer? It's not ideal to change the kids in the middle of the school year, so if you can, it's better to wait.

Book an appointment with Women Aid, or citizen advice etc.. and work out your figures

Legally a LL has to give tenants 2 months notice, not 1 so she sounds a bit lacksey daisy TBH.

No harm in asking if she’s said t before but it seems a bit odd she would be willing to turf her tenants out and give up the rent.

If she is willing to sacrifice her income and go to all that trouble for you she must a) care about you a great deal and b) believe you are in real danger staying in your marriage.

Yes to this. I’d definitely do this for my best friend. She offered. Which is why there’s nothing wrong with asking.
But it’s doesn’t sound like it would work on a practical level, tbh.

Have posted before on relationships but it had to be removed so I think I'm best on here, thanks, though. I don't think it is workable either.

Suggest posting in relationships again.

It sounds kind on paper but it means someone else being forced out of their home (and a rented property is still a home) - and a month's notice isn't legal. I wouldn't feel comfortable about this either, partly because of this but mostly because I don't think you can rely on this property long-term. If/when she needs you to move out she may then have to evict you, because the council won't house you if you're not homeless, and if you're living there, you won't be - unless she makes you leave.

It also doesn't sound like there'd be a legal agreement about this which come with its own host of problems when we're talking about the roof over your family's head.

However: it sounds a lot like you do need to leave, and she can see how desperate the situation is, and that's why she's offering anything she can to help you even if it might not be completely wise for either of you.

So can you ask her for help to make a plan to leave instead? One that doesn't rely on her property? Such as: go bags left at her place, the best way to save up a chunk of money, important papers stashed with her.

Have you got any location a long way away that is a) cheaper to live in and b) has some family support or similar near by? Because moving out to rent elsewhere in e.g. the south east might not be affordable but the north or similar might be much more achievable.

She sounds lovely but honestly I'm sure she meant it as a couple of months stop gap while you got your benefits sorted not long term so you'd need a plan to deal with that . I definitely wouldn't move out on the basis that I would have somewhere free to live long term. I really doubt that's what she meant

Ring her.

She wouldn’t have offered if she didn’t want to.

I have a friend in a similar situation who I would happily have come live with us and if necessary we could move out for a bit ourselves. I’d do anything to help her if she finally left him.

Oh. I should have clarified. Initially I think you should just stay at hers & not serve her tenants notice. I couldn’t accept that unless I paid the rent they are paying, but it would be easier IF you can’t save a big upfront payment or get references etc. I’d try other rentals first though because I wouldn’t want her to give her tenants notice on my account unless there really was no other option.

Sounds like she would be glad to help you out of the situation. Even if moving into her rented house isnt possible you should take up the offer and move in with her while you find an adfordable flat x