No, your affair isn't the 'love story of the century'

[cosmonautkitten]

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with my DM and the way she portrays her marriage as the most perfect and romantic love story with no thought for the pain and suffering she's caused. Basically, a couple of years ago my mother left my father for my now stepfather, after an affair that began in 2009. Although they originally cut off contact after their spouses found out about their infidelity in 2011, after three years they 'couldn't help' contacting each other again and decided to run off to be together.

I was 18 at the time and had not long left home for university, but was basically my DF's only emotional support for at least a year afterwards, despite being several hundred miles away. With regards to my mother and stepfather, I've tried my best to be supportive and form a relationship with my new stepfather and accept them as a couple - we're going on holiday together in the summer, I was MOH at their wedding and I do actually like my stepfather as a person. However, I do feel like I was forced into being supportive too quickly and that if I'd expressed anger or refused to accept my stepfather I would have lost the relationship with my mother entirely - especially as I was told that DM had said I was one of the things she was willing to 'give up' to be with him .

I honestly think I would be much happier with it if DM wasn't so 'in your face' about it all the time. When I visited over Christmas they had purchased a new artwork - a canvas with words and dates that were important to them and it had in large letters FINALLY TOGETHER! in the middle and the date they ran off together next to it. She frequently posts on Facebook that he's the 'most important thing in the world' to her and really revels in it every time someone calls them a nice couple or such like. They have new jobs working together and their colleagues and other new friends they've made have been told a highly edited version of how they met (along the lines of "oh we were together at uni and had such a spark but then lost track of each other for 30 years and KNEW we were meant to be") with no mention of the other people they were married to at all.

She doesn't tell this version to save face but so everyone will think they are the 'perfect couple'. I understand that this is the way things are but these constant reminders of quite how they started their relationship are still a little hurtful, even three years later. If they could just be quietly in love and not constantly telling me how glad they are to have found happiness in other people's pain it would be so much nicer.

Happy to be told AIBU though and that I should be totally over it after three years - would give me some more perspective!

It seems a little insensitive.
Would it help you to cut down contact a bit until you have adjusted a bit more.
Strong emotions take time and it seems to me that no one can dictate how long it will take.
If they are hurting you, for your own good stop seeing them. Send cards at birthdays etc, but stop punching yourself in the face by putting yourself through pain every time you see them.
And hugs, flowers etc.

Wow. This sounds almost identical situation to my father and his new wife! But isn't as they have a completely new home to live in. I get where you're coming from though - it's Infuriating.

In a not dissimilar situation my ex-wife told everyone how blissfully happy her new man [later her husband] was making her, making it clear that part of the reason was her miserable sod of an ex-husband. What she didn't know was that one of our mutual friends had told me that she had concealed her affair with the new man for two years whilst I finally got up the courage to leave her because we were so poisonously unhappy - the idea being to put all the blame on me, obviously. I cleared it up in one forty-five second phone call, the gist of which was "if you don't shut your mouth about our life together and how unhappy it was, I will open mine about how you and [name redacted] had an affair for two years before I left. Our marriage failed because we couldn't make it work, and I am through taking the blame for your failings as well as mine." We got on like a house on fire after that.

I think your mum is trying to force you to admit that everything she did was worth it, worth the pain and fear and sadness she engendered in everyone especially you. “Look daughter! I know I let you down, treated you shamefully, lost your trust but hey! See! It was worth it!” Still without understanding how selfish she is being.

She’ll always be like that, though.

Tell her you’re glad she’s happy now but you don’t want your nose rubbing in it because happy though she is, she’s hurt you and others that you care about in the process. She needs to mature...

I guess you could say I was the OW when dh and I met 5 years ago now. He was with his ex still after 30 years together, the last 10 of which had been spent sleeping in separate rooms and barely communicating. They agreed to stay together for their daughters’ sake until the youngest had gone to university. They both internet dated without the girls knowing although his ex did far less than my now dh who dated one woman for a year. I was in a v bad relationship, very volatile and my ex had complex mental health issues which made dd and I’s life really awful. So when dh and I met I think we were a bit “thank god I’ve found you” about each other. We moved in together after 6 months and hot married a year later. All our dd’s came to the wedding.

When I look back on it now I feel that we were quite insensitive at times and very caught up in each other. Although dd was happy to get away from her father I think she suffered a lot of guilt about him and I do all the time. He hasn’t spoken to me since we left and his life has been really crap. Dh’s ex is fine, we’ve never met or spoken to each other but dh was careful to include his girls in everything and still gives them a lot of attention. I get on well with them.

Where am I going with this? Well your dm sounds a bit of a nightmare regardless of all this and you have been amazing OP. I am just givibg the perspective of someone who genuinely did get starry eyed and leave a relationship for another person. In hindsight I would have taken things more slowly; there have been casualties which I have to live with.

OP, as parents we continue to perform that role no matter how old our children are. It seems your parents haven't done that & your DF switched roles with you following your DM's departure. Your DM seems incredibly self-absorbed & immature. I agree with all the other posters who pointed out that their need to flaunt their relationship as apparently idyllic is more about convincing themselves than anyone else. They both sound very immature.

I don't say this to be critical but more to remind you that you have done your best & have shown empathy & integrity. You have been supportive to all parties & taken on the role of parent almost, at a time of a huge transition in your own life starting uni when you no doubt needed your parents' support.

We can't change people, we can only change how we react to them. I think it's a good lesson for us when we have experiences that cause hurt to look at the behaviour of others & make a note to never behave like that.

Your parents should be very proud of how you've handled things. I'm glad your DF recognises that it wasn't fair to lean on you. They seem to be getting on with their lives now so you must start putting yourself first & getting on with yours. In a way your DM is to be pitied, I'm sure their circle of friends can see right through the charade. The canvas has been much mocked I imagine!

Best of luck.

OP, if it is any consolation my DM was exactly the same - threw me & my sis under a bus to be with the new man (all denied now) but it was love affair of the century, they were soulmates etc. 30 years on, the wheels have definitely come off the greatest love of all time (which tends to happen when two selfish people get together) and now I have to endure her endless moaning and painting herself the victim of a vile man - who she fucked me over to be with!!!!

Your DM sounds toxic, your reactions are healthy and normal - have counselling if you want, it may help you be more assertive, but don't doubt your reasonable feelings. I would certainly back off from your DM as she sounds needy and selfish and believe me that only gets worse as they get older.

If they're working together, give it a couple of years! It's the kiss of death to a relationship. It's why so few publican couples have happy marriages. No matter now much in love, you have to have a break from each other.

P.S. Some people should never have children if they don't know or care how to look after them.

yanbu - i would absolutely hate this too and probably struggle to be friendly with her.

honestly when people have been hurt over affairs and the couple go on like this it makes me wonder what is going on that they need to cover up from themselves. guilt, insecurity or something else. Its sickly and a red flag that they dont give a toss for anyone else.

my relationship with my Mother would have ended the moment I discovered she would happy cut me out of her life to be with the 'Man of her Dreams'

the end

I'm waiting it out til the kids are older.

Do people seriously still do this (for non poverty reasons)????

It is SO much worse being told that your childhood was a facade at 18 than adjusting to a split at 5/10/15!!!!!

Gingerbreadman - that is easy to say. In a relationship, not necessarily OP's as her mum is a bit ... umm, selfish? it is difficult for either parent to leave if they genuinely love the child. You can have fallen out of love with your partner but that doesn't equate with wanting to leave your child. I would imagine this is way more common than a lot of people admit to - stale relationship / couple stay together for the sake of the children. No? Moving on, moving out, requires finances, emotional strength and all kinds of other things. So yes, people do stay together for the sake of the kids.

People fall in love and leave for other people. It happens. I've seen it countless times with friends, family, colleagues. The 'left' spouse gets over it and usually marries again in a couple of years

Whoever wrote this has no fucking idea...

I’m 5 years on from my ‘D’H leaving after his affair. I will never marry again - no way will I ever trust another man like I trusted him.

It’s massively insulting & lacking in any empathy at all, to state such a ridiculous thing.....

When someone you love & trust has an affair, it changes you forever. You lose faith in life, in certainties & you know exactly what people are capable of doing. Its impact is so life altering - I could never have guessed how much it would affect me until it happened.

Affairs are for the selfish & weak. It’s a rare one that isn’t. Ops mum perfectly demonstrates that. Their weakness means that they can’t face the shame & guilt about being total arses either....

I'm not particularly upset that my parents are divorced, as such, but more the way in which the relationship was formed and how blatant she still is about it, rather than letting how they got together fade into the past... if that makes sense?

It makes perfect sense. Certainly for all of is the topic of how we met comes up now and again and the story gets shared. But at this point, few newly met people should have any clue about her marriage story.

moonfacebaby I'm not sure you can be so cut and dried about it as that. Some people have awful partners who mistreat them and the affair is a blessed way out, requiring courage rather than cowardice.

Cosylulu - yes, I do realise that there are circumstances where an affair may be acceptable. If your partner is abusive, for example.

But from personal experience & from seeing it around me (with other people), generally, you can see a really selfish streak in people who have affairs. And I’m still of the mind that if you’re unhappy, then you leave. You don’t hedge your bets, test the waters with someone else before you have the courage to leave.

Besides, I just don’t get it. I’m far too honest & I couldn’t be remotely arsed with the deception & the stress of leading a double life.

I think when people are overly effusive (not sure if that's the right word) about their relationship, like your mother is, maybe they are trying to hide some failing or disappointment.

YNBU, OP. In fact, I think you've shown incredible patience and strength, particularly as your mother was prepared to lose contact with you to be with this man. Her constantly rubbing your nose in it is insensitive at best and downright cruel at worst. You've more than made an effort to form a relationship with your stepfather and have been a great support for your dad. It must also be very upsetting to see your pet not receiving the care you would like to see.

I'm not at all surprised you're a bit fed up with the teenage hearts & flowers act, as well as the made up story of how they ended up together. It seems your mother has plenty to occupy her, so can you take a step back from her & your stepfather and just focus on you and your dad?

Why on earth would she have to cut you out for him??????yanbu.

moonfacebaby the thing I can't even begin to imagine is the duplicity some people use. Acting like everything is okay but leading a double life. Before I left him, my ex had two affairs - he was a lecturer and they were his students (adult). I found out about both by chance. It literally destroyed me emotionally, particularly the first one as I had NO idea. The second one I saw the signs and wasn't so surprised. He ended them and I forgave him. But nothing was ever the same between us. Once trust is broken there's no going back and yes, you never trust someone again.

So I'm in my new relationship now and constantly suspect my dh of having an affair! So far, so good.

Cosylulu - the duplicity certainly turned me upside down. The whole world seemed to suddenly become a place that I just didn’t recognise & didn’t understand.

Your experience sounds heartbreaking. Sorry to hear you’ve gone through this. I didn’t see mine coming either - we’d just had our second child, and I thought our family was complete.

It permeates future relationships - I don’t trust well at all. I too, feel like I look for signs of cheating more than I’d like to. I just know that almost everyone is capable of it, given the right set of circumstances. I can’t fully trust love, even though I have a great partner now. It’s spoiled something for me & I'm not sure that I’ll ever get to a place where I can let anyone get as close as I used to.

I suppose that’s why I see selfishness in people who have affairs - it’s their lack of seeing the consequences of their actions. The ripples, how far reaching they are & how much damage they can do. It hurts too many people & deeply.

The ops mum seems to show a total lack of regard to the feelings of everyone else - I’d be so hurt if she was my mum.

Overall, I just find it so sad that people seem so devoid of empathy....

Moonface you post very eloquently . A colleague has recently been cheated on and your Post gives me an insight as to why she is so devastated . It’s not so much losing him it’s the shock and trust

Moonfacebaby I so know where you are coming from. I’m glad you have a new partner and I hope they don’t let you down.

When my ex deceived me and I couldn’t forgive him I remember hearing this quote “I’m not heart-broken because you lied to me but because I can never trust you again.”